Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

This is probably a stupid question to most of you but I have no idea what it means and I see it everywhere!

2007-01-30 03:48:36 · 8 answers · asked by Girl 3

2007-01-30 03:46:31 · 3 answers · asked by Shadowgirl 1

Not wanting to witness the act, Mr Smith left the house before he arrived.

1/2 hour later a door2door photographer stopped by hoping to make a sale "Good morning, I'm here …"

"No need 2 explain, I've been expecting u" said Mrs Smith

"Really?" he said "Well, my speciality is babies"

"That's what my hubby & I hoped. Come in & sit down. Where do we start?" she asked, blushing

"Well, I like to try 2 in the bath, 1 on the couch and a couple on the bed. The living room is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room? No wonder me & Harry struggled!"

"Well, I cant always guarantee a good 1. But if we try several positions & I shoot from 6 or 7 angles, you'll be pleased with the results"

"Can we get this over with quickly" said Mrs Smith.

"In my line of work, I must take my time. Id love 2 b in & out in 5 mins but you'd be disappointed, I'm sure." The photographer opened his case and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures

2007-01-30 03:44:15 · 5 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-waving. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

2007-01-30 03:25:17 · 7 answers · asked by Tink 5

I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she would have to make cutbacks...

Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.

She: Well if you would learn to fxck me properly we could do without the gardener.

A husband and wife were fighting about their sxx life.

"You never even tell me when you're having an orgxsm!" he yelled.
How can you are never here!

Q: What comes once a day?

A: The mail.


Q: What comes twice a day?

A: The mailman, when the husband is away!!

.Women are like...
telephones...
They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're DISCONNECTED.

2007-01-30 03:17:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
Little Johnny was taking a bath, looked down at his txsticles and asked his mother, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

His mother replied, "Not yet".

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sxxual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

2007-01-30 03:09:47 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

He bought a warehouse.....

2007-01-30 03:03:00 · 3 answers · asked by ? 5

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crxtch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crxbs.

She explained that she couldn't have crxbs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crxbs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crxbs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

2007-01-30 02:59:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One's a pant in the country...

2007-01-30 02:56:08 · 2 answers · asked by ? 5

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vxgina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.'

'Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'

The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'

The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a txrd".

2007-01-30 02:54:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need some thinking of some yo mama jokes. If anyone has any please let me know.

2007-01-30 02:52:40 · 4 answers · asked by Hashnugget 2

There were three guys (Father and two sons) standing on a bank of river wanting to cross it. There was a boat which could hold 100KG at once, now the father weighed 100KG and the 2 sons 50KG each. How would they cross the river...(They were no extra boats , swimming and not crossing is not the option)

2007-01-30 02:49:48 · 8 answers · asked by Lancelot 3

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vxgina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sxxually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a lb. of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that lb. of liver into her bxx hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sxx and fall asleep in each others arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid.!!!!"

2007-01-30 02:41:35 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The national lottery...

2007-01-30 02:37:31 · 52 answers · asked by ? 5

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing about who would field the best team.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

"But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "we've got all the officials!"

2007-01-30 02:37:12 · 21 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A husband comes home from work after a long day at the office.

Upon entering his front door, he is puzzled to find the hallway scattered with toys, coats & a pile of unopened mail. Even more surprising, when he entered the living room he found more toys, overflowing ashtrays & dirty teacups from the night before. Now starting to get worried that something might be wrong, he goes into the kitchen & finds the sink full of dirty dishes, the floor filthy from muddy paw prints and kids footprints, yet more toys, unwrapped food and an even bigger mess.

Now in a panic, he quickly climbs the cluttered stairs and bursts into the bedroom to find the bed unmade and his wife sitting at the window admiring the view.

"What the hell has happened dear? It's like a war zone!"

"Well dear, every day you walk through that door from a long day at the office, and every day you ask me the same question: 'what did you do today dear?' Well today I didn't do it!!!"

2007-01-30 02:30:17 · 36 answers · asked by Jay A 3

"Popeye" gave him a good beating?

2007-01-30 02:12:44 · 17 answers · asked by ? 5

The instant Gertrude got on the airplane, she killed everyone on the plane, including herself. She didn't mean to do it. No one saw her do it. She is innocent. She was never blamed for it.

You can ask as many "yes-or-no" questions in your answer as you like!!! I will answer them. Good luck ;)

2007-01-30 02:10:38 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Ѧƨԋʅɛץ ïи ωѳиԃԑᴙʅαиԃ♥ 3

in Glasgow or Edinburgh

2007-01-30 01:49:33 · 9 answers · asked by rosemary r 1

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

2007-01-30 01:42:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-30 01:38:26 · 14 answers · asked by A Guy in Manhattan, NY 1

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the ar*e.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher spe*m count.

2007-01-30 01:37:35 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes out golfing. He is on the 2nd hole & notices a frog sitting next him.He is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around a see no-one. Again he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks down at the frog & decides to prove it wrong so he puts the club away & grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it into the cup. Hes shocked. He says "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man takes the frog w/ him to the next hole. "What do you think froggy?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in 1.

The man is speechless. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life & asks "OK where to next?"

The frog croaks "Ribbit LasVegas."

The man thinks 'What the hell, he's been luck so far and I've always wanted to go to Vegas'

They catch a flight to Vegas and go inside the first Casino they see.

2007-01-30 01:37:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

2007-01-30 01:31:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to make the best prank or anything funi

2007-01-30 01:26:47 · 7 answers · asked by armandstrauss 1

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the f anny!

2007-01-30 01:23:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

<____> Is higher than God
<____> Is evil than the Devil
The poor has <____>
The rich wants <____>
If you eat <____>, you will die.
Only one word answers all, make a guess! =)

2007-01-30 01:01:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she
killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

2007-01-30 01:01:16 · 5 answers · asked by mommy of 1 2

has just registered her self in the yellow pages...shes down as the oldest trick in the book!!!!!!

2007-01-30 00:56:36 · 22 answers · asked by bow 3

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known anaproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount 'N Do.

2007-01-30 00:52:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous