Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

as it hit's your car windscreen?



It's a rse.

2007-01-30 07:27:55 · 5 answers · asked by itchy.crack i 3

?

2007-01-30 07:25:17 · 7 answers · asked by itchy.crack i 3

*The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese:

* White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."

*Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."

*Mexican kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabrones, "Hey Putos!!! liver alone, cheese my sister!"

2007-01-30 07:25:02 · 46 answers · asked by Kimberly 1

"Welcome back to the show. Before the break, Mr Ixolite here made it to our grand finale! How do you feel Mr.Ix?"
"Nervous."
"Okay, now to win the star prize of one million pounds all you have to do is answer the following question in 90 seconds."
"Okay, I'm ready."
"Right. In 90 seconds name 100 words that do NOT contain the letter A. Start the clock!"

Can you help?

2007-01-30 07:23:20 · 11 answers · asked by Lilel 4

Being massively overweight, a blonde asks her doctor for a suitable diet. "Okay," he says. "I'd recommend you eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks and the next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
Happy, the blonde goes away - only to return a fortnight later having lost at least 30 pounds. "That's amazing!" cries the doctor, "So you followed my instructions?"
The blonde nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean? asks the doctor.
"No," says the blonde....."From skipping."

2007-01-30 07:22:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."
What part of broke do you not understand?

2007-01-30 07:17:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yeah, he was found gassed at 'Home on the Range'!

2007-01-30 07:16:25 · 15 answers · asked by purplehairsarah 2

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

2007-01-30 07:15:59 · 8 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

how do u confuse a dumb blonde? put her in a circle and tell her 2 find a corner.

how does a dumb blonde confuse u ?
she says she found a corner

2007-01-30 07:13:32 · 6 answers · asked by m.j h 3

An Australian is walking down a country road in New Zealand when he happens to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he vaults the fence and walks over to the farmer. Tapping him on the shoulder, he says, "You know, mate, back home we shear those."
The New Zealander looks round frantically, "Get lost mate!" he says..."I'm not shearing this with no-one!"
<><><>
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mum, "of course not."
So he ran back outside. "It's okay," his mum heard him say to the girl next door. "We can play that game again!"
<><>
Paddy and Murphy are strolling through the jungle by a riverbank when they spy a crocodile with a man's head protruding from its jaws.
Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Would you look at that flash **** in his Lacoste sleeping bag....." :)

2007-01-30 07:12:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Englishman "I'm not swimming you fool I'm drowning".
Welshman "Lovely morning for it anyway"

2007-01-30 07:10:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walk on the living, I don't even mumble
Walk on the dead, I mutter and grumble
What am I?

2007-01-30 07:09:46 · 4 answers · asked by XxsoccertennisvolleyballxX 1

Reneging

2007-01-30 07:06:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think that face will solve any disputes.

2007-01-30 07:02:21 · 6 answers · asked by kasar777 3

One afternoon at a luncheon, three women were chatting and comparing their respective husbands. "I call my husband 'Ferrari'," said the first woman, "because he's fast, sleek and really good-looking."
"I call my husband 'Land-Rover'," added the second woman, "because, although he's nothing fancy to look at, and often quite dirty, he has a certain rugged appeal - and he'll go anywhere."
"I call my husband 1935 Austin," replied the third married lady, "because he's old, makes a lot of noise, and always needs starting by hand.”

2007-01-30 07:00:22 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

2007-01-30 06:52:41 · 16 answers · asked by scott d 1

"I know there is something inside this house. I just don't know how get in. For you see, it has no way in." --British Novelist

2007-01-30 06:45:44 · 8 answers · asked by Roy C 1

The 10 reasons beer is better than sex
1: A beer never talks back
2: A beer never gets jealous when you have another beer
3: A beer always tastes good
4: A beer never has to wash up before you have it
5: A beer never checks out another beer
6: A beer never whines
7: you can always have another beer
8: Beer comes in 6, 12, and 24 packs for maximum enjoyment
9: you never have to wait for beer
10: Beer goes down smooth....

2007-01-30 06:42:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-30 06:39:46 · 25 answers · asked by olly 2

An English cat, called One Two Three, & a French cat, called Un Deux Trois, had a swimming race across the English Channel.

Which one won?










The English cat, because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

2007-01-30 06:35:46 · 27 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

2007-01-30 06:35:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he wanted to take Anne Boleyn.

2007-01-30 06:33:16 · 11 answers · asked by mizz.squitz 2

a particular traingle and a base 4 times its hieght.
write an equation to describe the area of the triangle in terms of its hieght ,x.

give points for the graph of your equation, for values of x from 0 to 5

describe the graph of your equation

use your graph to estimate the height of the triangle if its area is 12.5 square units.

which of the following are true about the graph of y=x^2

a.for positive values of x, when x increases , y aslo increases
b.when x=0,y=0
c.for any value of x, it is always true that y is greater than or equal to 0
d.the graph has a maximum value at y=0
e. the graph is symmetrical, with the x-axis as its line of symmetry

consider graphs in the form y=1/x+b
describe in words how b affects the graph of y=1/x+b

give points for y=1/x+3

for y=1/x, what value does y approach as positive x gets more positive or as negative x gets more negative.

2007-01-30 06:31:39 · 3 answers · asked by moneyman$$ 2

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

2007-01-30 06:31:04 · 11 answers · asked by scott d 1

They need to be suitable for 11 to 15 year olds and be un copyrited

2007-01-30 06:19:33 · 16 answers · asked by ? 3

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

2007-01-30 06:17:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

How often do u pick your nose? I don't luckily.

2007-01-30 06:14:35 · 15 answers · asked by Issac Slade 1

2007-01-30 06:11:58 · 10 answers · asked by hoehoe 1

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

2007-01-30 06:04:44 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

No suvivors

Police stood around crying the cheif turns up.

Look guys says the Cheif they were just terroist.

One turns round says we know it just we found an empty seat!

Told to me today by my 8 young son.Question is should I laugh?

2007-01-30 05:56:19 · 12 answers · asked by froggerty 3