Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-01 16:57:05 · 15 answers · asked by Chris S 1

1. dating: the process of spending lots of money and time in order to sleep with someone
2. eye contact: used to signal interest. many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not due to shyness, but because a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest

3. indifference: a women’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as 'playing hard to get.'

4. one night stand: what you call a date where you really like somebody and want to start a relationship, but they don’t like you enough to bother ringing again

5. nymphomaniac: a mans term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does

6. love at first sight: what you experience on the basis of looks alone before you actually realize what a loser the other person is

7. law of relativity: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how drunk you are

2006-10-01 16:54:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Japenese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than the Birtish or Americans.
CONCLUSION : Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

2006-10-01 16:53:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funny Gender Jokes - The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...









The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...









So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

2006-10-01 16:35:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"

"I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a 10-yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

2006-10-01 16:34:39 · 16 answers · asked by sistah2sista 1

A man happens upon a friend and sees that his friend's car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
*****************************************************
A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.

"What's going on here, ma'am?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another."

The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Ma'am. That's your air freshener."

2006-10-01 16:26:23 · 13 answers · asked by sistah2sista 1

I found this video called "Enterprise Numa Numa" on Youtube, and was wondering if anyone knew the people involved or what ended up happening to them or what the story behind it was. I've heard rumors of them all being severely punished, but I was wondering if anyone knows the true story behind that tape.

2006-10-01 16:21:24 · 1 answers · asked by Daniel J 1

Bobs wife asked him if he would pay for her some breast implants.he told her,well you could just rub some toilet paper between your boobs,that should made them bgger.She asked ,how would that work,well he said you have been useing toilet paper on your butt and look how big it has gotten.

2006-10-01 16:17:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-01 16:09:23 · 14 answers · asked by Pansar R 1

GENDER ITEMS

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

2006-10-01 16:03:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many feet does he have to jump to get out of the well?

2006-10-01 16:01:17 · 16 answers · asked by Pansar R 1

I was going to go to this one school but than i said to myself " do i really want to go to a school that had 900 + people????" and i was talking to my friend that goes there and he said that they have a locker and i would have been in one of my best friends class.

2006-10-01 15:50:36 · 15 answers · asked by mmoore32995 2

Are we supposed to write to them?
Why don't they arrest them when they are posing for the 'wanted' poster?

2006-10-01 15:38:46 · 14 answers · asked by COOKIE 5

You have to work out what the letters mean.
For example 26 L of the A means...26 Letters of the Alphabet

18 H on a G C
3 W on a T
13 L in a B D
9 L of a C
5 T on a F
12 S to a Z
39 B of the O T
3 B M

First one to get all right, 10 points...Good Luck!

2006-10-01 15:37:00 · 9 answers · asked by missmozee 3

Andrew called Melissa a bitc*.

Melissa is quickto respond, saying "Did you just call me a BITC*??? Well, a bitc* is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, a tree is part of nature, and nature is BEAUTIFUL. So thanks for the compliment, ho.

2006-10-01 15:33:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

- Who the first person was to look at a chicken and say "You know what, I'm going to eat that thing that just came out of it's bum"

- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I'm going to squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"

2006-10-01 15:25:53 · 15 answers · asked by Simon Says Touch Your Nose 5

2006-10-01 15:22:48 · 14 answers · asked by JEFF HARDY #1 FAN 3

one day Gerry asks Fiona out to a movie. she accepts and they have a pretty good time. a few nights later, he asks her out to dinner and again they enjoy themselves. they continue to see each other regularly and after awhile neither of them is seeing anyone else
and then one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Fiona and without really thinking she says it out loud: 'do you realize that as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'
and there is silence in the car
to Fiona it seems like a very loud silence
she thinks to herself:

sheesh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of
and Gerry is thinking:

gosh. six months

and Fiona is thinking:
but hey, I’m not sure I want this kind of relationship either. sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward…I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we headed toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Gerry is thinking:

So…that means it was…lets see…it was February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers which means…let me check the odometer…whoa! I am way overdue on an oil change here

And Fiona is thinking:

He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected

And Gerry is thinking:

And I’m gonna have them take a look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say; it’s still not working right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 86 degrees out and this thing is shifting like a damn dump truck-and I paid those incompetent thieves $800

And Fiona is thinking:

He’s angry. And I don’t blame him-I’d be angry too. I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure

And Gerry is thinking:

They’ll probably say it’s only a 90 day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, those slimebags

And Fiona is thinking:

Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting next to a perfectly good person. A person I enjoy being with, a person I truly care about. A person who is in pain because of my romantic fantasy

And Gerry is thinking:

Warranty? I’ll give them a damn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it up their…

‘Gerry?’ Fiona says
‘what?’ says Gerry, startled
‘please don’t torture yourself like this,’ says Fiona, her eyes beginning to brim with tears
‘maybe I should have never have…I feel so…’
She breaks down sobbing
‘what?’ says Gerry
‘I’m such a fool,’ Fiona sobs. ‘I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.’
‘there’s no night? No horse?’ says Gerry, baffled
‘you think I’m a fool, don’t you?’ Fiona says
‘no!’ says Gerry, playing it safe
‘its just that…its just that I…I need more time,’ says Fiona. There is a fifteen second pause while Gerry, thinking as fast as he can, tries to think of a safe response. Finally he comes with one that he thinks might work
‘yes,’ he says
Fiona, deeply moved, touches his hand. ‘oh Gerry, do you really feel that way?’ she says
‘what way?’ says Gerry
‘that way about time,’ says Fiona
‘oh,’ says Gerry, glancing at his watch.’ No. I mean, yes.’
Fiona turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. ‘thank you, Gerry,’ she says
‘er, yeah,’ says Gerry uncertainty
Then he takes her home and Fiona lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. Whereas when Gerry gets to his place, he opens a bag of pretzels, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesn’t think about it. This is also Gerry’s policy regarding world hunger
The next day Fiona will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject on and off, for weeks, maybe even months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either
Meanwhile, Gerry, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Fiona’s, will pause just before serving, frown and say, ‘Scott? Did Fiona ever ride a horse at night?’

2006-10-01 15:19:15 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have never actually heard the ending of this and it came up in a conversation today. Obviously my education is lacking. (lol) Email me if you prefer.

2006-10-01 15:09:46 · 10 answers · asked by its me! 2

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk"

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

2006-10-01 15:08:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bye, son!

Think about it for awhile, you'll get it.... :P

2006-10-01 15:04:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Engvall for one.

plus what makes me laugh is good witty sarcastic jokes.

What i don't find funny is the wayan brothers. i think they try too much.

2006-10-01 14:58:06 · 12 answers · asked by mystic_lonewolf22 5

Cheques often get lost in the post, ...but bills never do.......

2006-10-01 14:54:17 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beaten really badly! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

2006-10-01 14:30:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Think of a number
2. Add the next highest number to it
3. Add nine
4. Divide by two
5. Subtract the original number

Do you get 5? How did I know?

2006-10-01 14:28:02 · 18 answers · asked by Simon Says Touch Your Nose 5

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old woman standing beside her, and smiled, "Gran will pay the bill."

2006-10-01 13:58:03 · 13 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

Johnny wanted to have sex with a blonde in his office... but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."
But the blonde said, "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...
She said "The bastard used quarters!"

2006-10-01 13:47:22 · 13 answers · asked by bugguy 2

2006-10-01 13:42:27 · 8 answers · asked by shonta w 1

2006-10-01 13:35:45 · 9 answers · asked by theophilus 5

What do you call someone who thinks he knows everything?

2006-10-01 13:35:24 · 23 answers · asked by kman1830 5