Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

all he has with him is just what he is wearing and a canteen full of water on his belt. there are alot of bags of sand in a line next to him. you notice there are no footprints in the sand. how did he die?

2006-08-02 07:16:36 · 15 answers · asked by Adam B 3

At a bar, a bloke drinks his pint then pees up the counter.
"What the hell you think doing? There's a gents through there"
"Oh, the shame. Please forgive me, it's a compulsion, I'm so ashamed"
"Well clear off and get some therapy, you dirty devil!"
Six months later the bloke is back.
"I recognise you. you're barred"
"Don't worry, I saw a psychiatrist like you said and I'm cured now"
"Oh, well that's good. What's it gonna be, a pint?"
The bloke drinks up and pees up the counter.
"Here, you're doing it again- I thought you said you were cured?"
"I am, I am. Now I'm not ashamed of it"

2006-08-02 07:13:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother."
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

And now the MOST compelling proofs:

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He managed to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

2006-08-02 07:12:03 · 33 answers · asked by lisa 3

There was a lawyer, a priest, and three children and they were all flying to Paris. While they were on the plane, the plane started shaking and starting going down. The lawyer yelled out "Everybody jump". The priest said "What about the children?" The lawyer said "**** the children". So the priest said "Do we have time????????

2006-08-02 07:09:03 · 11 answers · asked by Snoopy85 1

MURDER IN THE NEWSPAPER: The old man ws a priest and he was sitting alone when he read the newspaper. That day a man had confessed to him that he had murdered his aunt for her money. The priest realized tha the woman in the newspaper was the murder victim. The seal of the confessional meant that he could not report the incident to the police.

THE MAN WHO RETURNED TOO SOON: His home was a houseboat on the sea. He put on his scuba gear and dived 200 feet. One should ascend from such a depth slowly in order to depressurize. He came up too quickly and suffered a severe attack of the "bends," from which he died.

GOODBYE, MOTHER: (most who answered this got it right) The young woman was presented with the bill for the old lady's meal. The lady had assured the waiter, "My daughter will pay."

2006-08-02 06:58:25 · 10 answers · asked by Kevin H 3

I love Newfies - and they have the best Newfie jokes.

2006-08-02 06:54:17 · 10 answers · asked by machinator 3

There were drug dealer, a teacher and a farmer and they were all from very different backgrounds, but live in the same environment who all had something in common. They all wanted to go to Timbucktu. Timbuck tu was a place where they have nothing but the best looking woman/man and the sights are beautiful.One day in their town the mayor decided to have a poetry contest 4 everyone. So people in the town came and tryed,but there were only three finalist, which were the farmer, teacher and the drug dealer. So it was the day of da competition and they worked really hard on their poems. So the first one to go up was the drug dealer. He said: Old Mcdonald was sitting on a bench and he burnt his balls on a monkey wrench. The crowd went wild .next is da teacher :Long across the desert sand, a lonely caravan trekked to timbuktu. The crowd liked it.So last is da farmer& he said:Me&tim a huntin went,met three whores ina popup tent,they were three&we were two, so I bucked one and tim buck tu.

2006-08-02 06:50:40 · 12 answers · asked by Snoopy85 1

A detective is at a crime scene where a murder took place. He takes notice of the body and what surrounded it. In a pool around the body is the corpse's blood. However not too far from the body and the blood is a puddle of water, a rope, and an spilled bottle of whiskey. What was the man killed with?

2006-08-02 06:48:14 · 10 answers · asked by OmEGaTyRAnt 2

2006-08-02 06:40:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me whats the stupidest question youv'e seen on the site. And what was your answer... need a good laugh!!

2006-08-02 06:34:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Squeaky Clean

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''

The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.

In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

2006-08-02 06:29:54 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

there once was a man from peru
who feel asleep on a canoe
while dreaming of venus
he janked on his p*nis
and said, "boy i can make stew".

i heard this a long time ago and still makes me laugh.

2006-08-02 06:27:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there where three bored angels. so they decided to throw stuff down to earth. the first one threw a golf ball , the second threw a rock and the third one threw a atom bomb. then they went to earth the first angel saw a little boy crying so she asked what is the matter and the kid replied "i got hit in the head with a golf ball" and she ran away. then the second angel saw a little girl crying and she asked what is the matter and she replied "a rock hit my head" so the angel ran. the third angel saw a kid laughing so she asked what is so funny and he said daddy farted and blew up the house!

2006-08-02 06:21:13 · 24 answers · asked by cotten c 2

When there first words is Allahu Akbar

2006-08-02 06:19:30 · 7 answers · asked by SonOfABitch 1

2006-08-02 06:18:24 · 9 answers · asked by Leah P 1

2006-08-02 06:12:51 · 32 answers · asked by Snoopy85 1

There are two illusions in this painting one is quite impossible to notice the other can be detected with careful observation.

Here is the image:
http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/6670/rustymusicwe1.jpg

Can you see the illusions?
Good luck!

2006-08-02 06:07:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy really wants to get into a private party at a club in downtown

Los Angeles, many celebrities will be there and he wants the

opportunity to be part of such a hoopla.

He gets to the club and sees that a bouncer that is asking for a

password to get in. So he goes around the corner and listens in to

the responses.

The first person comes up to the door and knocks, the bouncer

opens the window on the door and says "Twelve". The person

then says "Six". The Bouncer lets that person in. Then a second

person approaches. The Bouncer says "Six", the person

responds "three". The Bouncer lets them in.

The man thinking he heard enough approaches the door and

knocks, the bouncer opens the window to the door and

says "Ten". He responds "Five", the Bouncer told him no and to

go away. Why didn't he let him in?

2006-08-02 06:05:12 · 9 answers · asked by 666K9 4

I live in water:
If u cut my head, I am at ur door.
If u cut my tail, I am a fruit.
If u cut both, then I am with u.

Someone challenged me to solve this one. Answers plzzz.

2006-08-02 06:02:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-02 06:01:04 · 15 answers · asked by whitetigerdnlg 1

Today's Joke Fit For an 11-year-old comes from Newsnight viewer Samuel Healey:

On her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling.... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen, she rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows nothing at all about shark fishing, by the way how's the bait holding up?"

2006-08-02 05:57:00 · 13 answers · asked by easyboy 4

2006-08-02 05:56:07 · 13 answers · asked by LoLa 3

2006-08-02 05:54:53 · 28 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

There's this guy who lives with his parents. They raise him right and he respects them. Eventually, he grows up and moves out to go live life on his own.

Sometime later, the guy falls in love and is engaged to be married. He calls his mother to tell her the good news.

"Hey Mom," he says. "I'm gonna get married!"

His mother replies with joy and happiness. "Who is she?" Mom asks him.

"Well, that's for you to figure out," replied the son. So he brings home three women; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The mother, without any hesitation, points to the redheaded woman. "Gee Mom, you found out who my fiancee was," said the young man. "How did you know she was the redhead?"

The mother replied, "Because I don't like her."

2006-08-02 05:52:06 · 28 answers · asked by chrstnwrtr 7

dirty old man=sexually focused chronologically gifted person
perverted=sexually dysfunctional
serial killer=person with difficult to meet needs
lazy=motivationally deficient
fat=horizontally challenged
fail=acheive a deficiency
dishonest=ethically disorented
clumsy=uniquely co ordinated
body odour=nondiscretionary fragrance
alive=temporarily metabolically abled
worst=least best
wrong= differently logical
ugly=cosmetically different
unemployed=involuntarily leisured
dead=living impaired
vagrent=non specifically destinationed individual
spendthrift=negative saver
stoned=chemically inconvenienced
pregnant=parasitically oppresed
ignorant=knowledge based non possessor

2006-08-02 05:51:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-02 05:50:30 · 4 answers · asked by LoLa 3

Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2006-08-02 05:50:17 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

First I have to say the reason why I put it in this category is cuz I know it would get more answers here. Plzz don't report me.
ok...so its like a billion degrees outside here in new york and it is scorching hott!! I think I'm gonna die!
anywayz...I was wondering if u guys had any summer games to play outside. I go to my cuzins house sometimes and a lot of them live there and we are alwayz so bored. All together we are 7 of us. If u know any game at all that we can play outside with water or watever.
P.S> It doesn't exactly have to be a game for seven people, it can be for 5,6,4,3, or 2.
thanx soo much. the most best and funnest game will definetly get 10 points!!
I really need this...it's sooo hot and I'm soo bored.
plzz plzz plzz plzz help me.

2006-08-02 05:48:56 · 12 answers · asked by ღbrownsugarღ 3

roses are red violets are blue u better step back or i'll hurt you

2006-08-02 05:45:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took
the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the
following things, your husband will surely die."

The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you
need to do." "Every morning make sure you serve
him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home
each day for lunch so you can serve him a well
balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot
meal each evening and dont overburden him with
any stressful conversation, nor ask him to
perform any household chores. Also, keep the
house spotless and clean so he does'nt get
exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what
the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to
die".

2006-08-02 05:41:42 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous