Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-02 09:25:23 · 9 answers · asked by tata brada 2

2006-08-02 09:20:52 · 42 answers · asked by monkeyballs 2

2006-08-02 09:15:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A visitor to the farm noticed the pig only had three legs and the farmer said, that pig saved the life of my little boy when he fell into pond. The pig ran in and pulled him to safety.
But how did he lose the leg?
Then one night when the barn caught fire, that pig squealed and squealed until I woke up and managed to put he fire out. Saved the barn he did.
But how did he lose his leg?
He killed a fox that had been stealing my chickens, he did too.
Yes but how did he lose his leg?
Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once.

2006-08-02 09:10:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

fire off a couple of knuckle children while watching porn in my neighbors living room because I don't have a dvd player of my own?

2006-08-02 09:03:37 · 8 answers · asked by jason s 1

it what do u say when u go in to a room thats all dark and u see a TV moveing around?.........................Answer Drop it n@#$%r

2006-08-02 09:03:13 · 10 answers · asked by matthewedid 2

it what do u say when u go in to a room thats all dark and u see a TV moveing around?.........................Answer Drop it n@#$%r

2006-08-02 09:01:39 · 6 answers · asked by matthewedid 2

people are spreading horrible rumuors and i just wanted to know the truth

2006-08-02 08:34:16 · 12 answers · asked by Z Rose 1

2006-08-02 08:33:56 · 8 answers · asked by omar gadallallallallallallalla 1

2006-08-02 08:33:33 · 12 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

Funniest gets 10 points!!!!!

2006-08-02 08:32:56 · 22 answers · asked by Hopeicouldhelp 4

2006-08-02 08:32:28 · 5 answers · asked by looneytoon783 1

L.T.Q. #1I ________________________________________A man packs up all of the contents of his cubicle at work, promising to send out "Lateral Thinking" questions again once he gets settled in his new location. However, due to circumstances not entirely out of his control, after the move he decides not to unpack his belongings. If the cards containing the questions are still packed away, how is he able to continue the e-mail messages? ________________________________________________________________________________Betty signals to the headwaiter in a restaurant, and says, "There's a fly in my tea." The waiter says, "No problem, madam. I will bring you a fresh cup of tea." A few minutes later Betty shouts, "Get the manager! This is the same cup of tea!" How did she know?________________________________________
L.T.Q. #2________________________________________In New York City's Central Park, in the middle of summer, police have discovered the frozen body of a man lying in the centre of a baseball diamond. There are no footprints leading to or away from the body. How did he die, and how did his body get to where it was found?________________________________________
L.T.Q. #3________________________________________Part #1: A horse jumps over the tower and lands on a man, who disappears. How can such a thing be?
Part #2: Two priests sitting in the castle's chapel see the queen attack the king and kill him. The priests rise, shake hands, and leave the room why so sanguine about regicide?
________________________________________
L.T.Q. #4________________________________________Coming home from work, Simon had just put his key in the lock of his door when he heard his wife Betty scream, "Bill, don't kill me!" He dashes in to find Betty dead with a knife buried in her chest. Standing around the body are a postman, a doctor, and a lawyer. The husband immediately knows the postman killed his wife. How? ________________________________________
L.T.Q. #5
________________________________________
Rachel was sun bathing at a nude beach because she heard it was the best way to acquire an overall tan. Day after day she was out lying in the sun, yet couldn't manage the complete tan. What could she be doing wrong to prevent her from receiving the even tones she so desired?


L.T.Q. #6
________________________________________
Against his better judgment Captain Frank attended Art Bragg's annual Christmas party. Captain Frank sat in a corner trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, when Art trapped him in one of his many tall tales. "Why yes," began Art, "even my days as a younger man were filled with adventures. That beautiful white rabbit skin and that 14 point moosehead on the wall are both from animals that I shot when I was just a lad of 12. I got them both up in Canada during my July 4th holidays. Two summers later I shot this beautiful bear you're sittin' your feet on." Captain Frank realizing that Art was just getting started, got up and said, "Art, excuse me, but I can't take your bull any longer." Why did Captain Frank say this?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #7
________________________________________
Duncan Drivel had a collection of rare bird calling records which he wished to sell. He sold half of his records plus a half record more to Professor Bumble. then he sold half of what was left and a half record more to Whislin Willy. At this point Duncan had one record left. How many records did Duncan have originally?
________________________________________
Two other questions come to mind.
1. What are Professor Bumble and Whislin Willy going to do with only half a record? Is it the top half or bottom half? Or maybe the left half or the right half. And won't it destroy the record player to try to play only half a record?
2. What is the title of the record Duncan has left, and why did he keep it?
Which brings a third question to mind: Who is the biggest turkey of the bunch?

L.T.Q. #8
________________________________________
Charles Pompuss was racing around in his new sports car when he noticed that his throat was parched. He came to a screeching halt in front of the 'Soul-Ace Hotel' and the nine police cars which had been chasing him, slammed into the back of his car and each other's. How many bumpers will have been hit?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #9
________________________________________
A horse is tied to a five meter rope in front of an old saloon. Six meters behind the horse is a bale of hay. Without breaking his rope, the horse is able to eat the hay whenever he chooses. How is this possible?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #10
________________________________________
Texas Tom is looking for a cottage set on a beautiful waterfront property. The realtor suggests a new development on the Moscow Sea. He says that the only problem with the property is that it's a little tough to get to right now. But the transportation in the future will make that much easier. What should Tom know?
________________________________________

2006-08-02 08:29:09 · 9 answers · asked by matthewedid 2

How to Become a Twinkie
Americanize your name. Names like Raja become Roger and names like Wei Tong become Jason.
Unlearn/do not learn your native language.
Listen to white people music. Also, any sort of techno remix of a song in your native tongue is off limits.
Go to parties where you will be known as “That Asian Guy.” No reason to be at a party with more than one of you.
Shop where white people shop. That means Abercrombie and Fitch, don’t half-*** it and go to Old Navy.
Talk in catch phrases and famous lines from movies, as long as they’re funny. It's not like anyone cares what you think anyway.
Learn more about American History than you could ever know about your own. Your cultural history is just that: history.
Date a white man or woman. Remember you have to act like them to become them. That includes dating.
Under no circumstances can you watch Anime, Bollywood, or Kung Fu films.
Do not associate yourself with any FOBs. As far as you know, they’re just weird.
Never ever be caught saying, “Where the curry at?” or “Dim Sum, I’ll have me sum of that.”
Never ever visit the home country. As far as you know, it smells. Do you want to come back smelling too?
Watch a lot of porn. You should acquire a taste for white people and porn helps. Keep telling yourself “There is no BOA” or “Aishwarya Rai does not exist.”
Exception to the rule: Your parents are going to force you into a career. Probably a stereotypical one for an Asian. Live with it.
Do not join ethnic frats or clubs. They only promote your culture.
Bangra, Yoga and Wushu are ethnic foods in your mind. Not dancing and martial arts.
Never ask your parents the names of the food you’re eating but be the master of ordering take out.
For the girls: use “like” at least sevens times per sentence, i.e., “Like, let’s go, like, to the, like, movies.”
Also for the girls: pin up the pictures of the Abercrombie guys everywhere. They are the only acceptable standard for what is hot.
Another for girls: Highlights, belly button rings and glitter. Everyone else is doing it. No natural beauty is allowed!

2006-08-02 08:28:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

L.T.Q. #1I ________________________________________A man packs up all of the contents of his cubicle at work, promising to send out "Lateral Thinking" questions again once he gets settled in his new location. However, due to circumstances not entirely out of his control, after the move he decides not to unpack his belongings. If the cards containing the questions are still packed away, how is he able to continue the e-mail messages? ________________________________________________________________________________Betty signals to the headwaiter in a restaurant, and says, "There's a fly in my tea." The waiter says, "No problem, madam. I will bring you a fresh cup of tea." A few minutes later Betty shouts, "Get the manager! This is the same cup of tea!" How did she know?________________________________________
L.T.Q. #2________________________________________In New York City's Central Park, in the middle of summer, police have discovered the frozen body of a man lying in the centre of a baseball diamond. There are no footprints leading to or away from the body. How did he die, and how did his body get to where it was found?________________________________________
L.T.Q. #3________________________________________Part #1: A horse jumps over the tower and lands on a man, who disappears. How can such a thing be?
Part #2: Two priests sitting in the castle's chapel see the queen attack the king and kill him. The priests rise, shake hands, and leave the room why so sanguine about regicide?
________________________________________
L.T.Q. #4________________________________________Coming home from work, Simon had just put his key in the lock of his door when he heard his wife Betty scream, "Bill, don't kill me!" He dashes in to find Betty dead with a knife buried in her chest. Standing around the body are a postman, a doctor, and a lawyer. The husband immediately knows the postman killed his wife. How? ________________________________________
L.T.Q. #5
________________________________________
Rachel was sun bathing at a nude beach because she heard it was the best way to acquire an overall tan. Day after day she was out lying in the sun, yet couldn't manage the complete tan. What could she be doing wrong to prevent her from receiving the even tones she so desired?


L.T.Q. #6
________________________________________
Against his better judgment Captain Frank attended Art Bragg's annual Christmas party. Captain Frank sat in a corner trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, when Art trapped him in one of his many tall tales. "Why yes," began Art, "even my days as a younger man were filled with adventures. That beautiful white rabbit skin and that 14 point moosehead on the wall are both from animals that I shot when I was just a lad of 12. I got them both up in Canada during my July 4th holidays. Two summers later I shot this beautiful bear you're sittin' your feet on." Captain Frank realizing that Art was just getting started, got up and said, "Art, excuse me, but I can't take your bull any longer." Why did Captain Frank say this?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #7
________________________________________
Duncan Drivel had a collection of rare bird calling records which he wished to sell. He sold half of his records plus a half record more to Professor Bumble. then he sold half of what was left and a half record more to Whislin Willy. At this point Duncan had one record left. How many records did Duncan have originally?
________________________________________
Two other questions come to mind.
1. What are Professor Bumble and Whislin Willy going to do with only half a record? Is it the top half or bottom half? Or maybe the left half or the right half. And won't it destroy the record player to try to play only half a record?
2. What is the title of the record Duncan has left, and why did he keep it?
Which brings a third question to mind: Who is the biggest turkey of the bunch?

L.T.Q. #8
________________________________________
Charles Pompuss was racing around in his new sports car when he noticed that his throat was parched. He came to a screeching halt in front of the 'Soul-Ace Hotel' and the nine police cars which had been chasing him, slammed into the back of his car and each other's. How many bumpers will have been hit?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #9
________________________________________
A horse is tied to a five meter rope in front of an old saloon. Six meters behind the horse is a bale of hay. Without breaking his rope, the horse is able to eat the hay whenever he chooses. How is this possible?
________________________________________

L.T.Q. #10
________________________________________
Texas Tom is looking for a cottage set on a beautiful waterfront property. The realtor suggests a new development on the Moscow Sea. He says that the only problem with the property is that it's a little tough to get to right now. But the transportation in the future will make that much easier. What should Tom know?
________________________________________

2006-08-02 08:26:59 · 15 answers · asked by matthewedid 2

If were are going to blame the booze, perhaps we should be going after Anheisher Bush.
What do you think?

2006-08-02 08:24:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-02 08:21:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lets see how creative you are. Give me anything except. "Unique up on it."

I can't wait to see how many people DO NOT read the details.

2006-08-02 08:21:31 · 11 answers · asked by iggwad ™ 5

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

2006-08-02 08:18:31 · 8 answers · asked by Brian R 2

You've ever bought Top Ramon in bulk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You live in a house with 3 couches, none that match!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've written a check for 45 cents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If your glass wear is composed of Mcdonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you can pack your worldly possissions into the back of a pick-up
(with one trip)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If your trash is overflowing but your bank account isn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you eat in a cafeteria even though it taste's like crap!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're wearing your jeans over and over again because it's not yet time to go home to see good ole' mom..hint hint!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-10?
SmileyCat

2006-08-02 07:56:12 · 5 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

2006-08-02 07:49:23 · 18 answers · asked by GB_Can 1

The first person that guesses where iam in my house while i was writing this gets chosen for best answer.

2006-08-02 07:38:38 · 25 answers · asked by ? 5

.. your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

Additional Details

5 days ago
Ya might be a Redneck if.....

...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrabe mostly involves scissors.
...you know atleast 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp thats over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats livin under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your frist bra was a Wonderbra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.

5 days ago
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refridgeator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...Everyone in the house learns somthing from the potty training videotape.
...Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have elictricty are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.

5 days ago
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons

2006-08-02 07:38:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dormitory=dirty room
Evangelist=evils agent
Desperation=a rope ends it
The Morse code=here come dots
Slot machines=cash lost in 'em
Animosity=is no amity
Mother in law=woman Hitler
Snooze alarms=alas! No more zs
Semolina=is no meal
The public art galleries=large picture halls, I bet
A decimal point=I’m a dot in place
The earthquakes=that queer shake
11 + 2=12 + 1
Contradiction=accord not in it
THIS ONES TRULY AMAZING=to be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
THE ANAGRAM=in 1 of the bards best thought of tragedies, our insistent hero, hamlet, queries on 2 fronts about how life turns rotten
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE=that’s 1small step for man, 1giant leap for mankind, Neil Armstrong
THE ANAGRAM=this man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flagon moon! On to mars!

2006-08-02 07:35:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man visited a club but he did not have the password to go in, so he waited outside the club to see what happens. Mr. "A" came to the club walked to the door of the club and the man inside the club shouted "twelve!" and Mr. "A" replied "six!" and he was allowed in.
Then Mr. "B" came to the club and walked to the door and the man inside the club shouted "six!" and Mr. "B" replied "three!" and was allowed in. Then the man, thinking he had heard enough adjusted himself walked to the door and the man inside the club shouted "four!" and the man answered "two!". He was not allowed in. Why was he not allowed in and what should he have said instead of two and WHY?

2006-08-02 07:30:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

ud tiy xB Baqwe rgua tiy gCe rii nyxg runw ib tiye gBsa

2006-08-02 07:23:58 · 2 answers · asked by Kevin H 3

a plane is flying from america to mexico. it crashes and burns right on the border. wher do you bury the survivers?

2006-08-02 07:23:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

bin laden and bush are in a boat the boat starts to sink who drowns ??? bush, because sh.it flotes ..funny???

2006-08-02 07:21:24 · 7 answers · asked by mohamedabdul0o 1

Ok, Were playind Hide and Seek! I am going to "hide" in one of the other "rooms" (topics) sometime today. I will post another question. First person to find me gets 20 points! Start counting! (won't tell you how long).

Rules:
You have to answer here saying your counting. That way I will only give the 20 points to the person that both finds me and also has answered here.

2006-08-02 07:18:57 · 21 answers · asked by nooodle_ninja 4

A truck driver amused himself by swerving to hit lawyers walking down the side of the road. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you goin', Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to him him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise come from, he glaced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK son..I got him with the door."


1-10?
SmileyCat : )

2006-08-02 07:18:28 · 9 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4