Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-02 16:15:26 · 11 answers · asked by ↓ImWithStupid ░░▒▒▓▓ 4

2006-08-02 16:10:58 · 24 answers · asked by BigFatJoey 1

2006-08-02 16:06:36 · 8 answers · asked by helpallqueen 1

Willys cynical thought for the day;

The evening news is where they begin with "good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. (Bumper, fence, firehydrant w/e)

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. (who can't)

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. (I done this)

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. (been there)

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap. (had one a while ago)

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. (or any relative)

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. (fireworks is so 90's the biggest tow-truck co has a future)

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip," (or "Planters Peanut Butter") on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You and ya wife drive matching pick-up trucks but one just got a ding and the other laughs; "Oh see I told you ya can't drive!"

31. And... You know you're a Redneck when.....

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-02 16:05:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sit on a chair with your feet flat on the ground
Raise your right foot and rotate it in a clockwise direction from the knee down.
Now draw the number 6 in the air with your right pointer finger at the same time.
Your foot will change direction and you cant stop it..... bizarre!!

2006-08-02 16:04:37 · 17 answers · asked by Squishygirl 3

what is a three letter word for hard water

2006-08-02 15:55:47 · 26 answers · asked by ms_sexy 1

These questions suck!! I love my country, don't get me wrong. But where's the pizzazz here? Tell me a joke, say something naughty. C'mon, give me a reason to check back here later!! Bye!

2006-08-02 15:50:06 · 12 answers · asked by Nikki 6

2006-08-02 15:48:13 · 11 answers · asked by kayla g 1

You gotta pot on your head but i don't call you a pot head.
You gotta butt on your head but i don't call you a butthead.
You gotta Z on your bra but i don't call you a zebra.

Now lets see what you got!

2006-08-02 15:43:06 · 16 answers · asked by rawrrr! 1

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

2006-08-02 15:37:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke with a good old Camel cigarette, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke her Camel.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age. But very delicately the pharmacist asks Lady 1 what brand she prefers.

The elderly Lady 1 replied "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel".

It was reported that the pharmacist fainted.

2006-08-02 15:35:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, always knows the right thing to say, too!

Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

2006-08-02 15:33:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Of a pratical joke gone hilariously wrong? Or have you ever pulled a pratical joke on someone but you ended up being the butt of the joke?

2006-08-02 15:33:01 · 22 answers · asked by Gemini23 4

A headless man had a letter to write;
It was read by a man who had lost his sight.
The dumb repeated it word for word;
And deaf was he who listened and heard.

Solve this riddle.

2006-08-02 15:18:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

God: I'm sorry son, but even I cannot build you a bridge to hawaii.
Me: But God, my wife and crippled son live there, and it's just too expensive for me to fly there! Please, there must be a way.
God: My son, can you imagine the amount of concrete and steel it would take, not to mention the sheer magnitude of the project, the distance to traverse, it would break the very laws of physics to even attempt this.
Me: But you are the Almighty God, there must be a way!
God: I'm sorry son, but no.
Me: Well, if you can't do that, could you at least give me the wisdom to understand women?
God: Would you like 2 or 4 lanes?

2006-08-02 15:17:37 · 3 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

Ive been using the 12 step for about 2 months. No more blowing people on the corner for a pint of vodka anymore for this cowboy.

2006-08-02 15:09:08 · 10 answers · asked by I tell it like it is 1

You are one side of a river, with a Rabbit, a Wolf, and some lettuce. You have a boat which can carry you and one plant or animal.
You need to get everybody on the other side of the river, but you can only take one at a time. If you leave the Rabbit alone with the wolf, the wolf will eat the rabbit. If you leave the rabbit alone with the lettuce, the rabbit will eat the lettuce. How do you do it?

First one to answer correctly get 10 points.

2006-08-02 14:53:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Something that is like a REALLY good prank....something that would get her back real good!!!

2006-08-02 14:35:08 · 37 answers · asked by Mickie 1

2006-08-02 14:24:58 · 20 answers · asked by Alice Chaos 6

1st correct answer, 10 points

2006-08-02 14:21:00 · 7 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

1st correct answer, 10 points.

2006-08-02 14:20:11 · 6 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

1st correct answer, 10 points

2006-08-02 14:18:44 · 9 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

ive seen this many times and i think it is a new hip catch phrase but im not sure if it is or not or what exactly it means, help me out.

2006-08-02 14:18:03 · 15 answers · asked by jack 1

1st correct answer, 10 points

2006-08-02 14:17:59 · 10 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

1st correct answer, 10 points

2006-08-02 14:13:42 · 4 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

1st correct answer, 10 points

2006-08-02 14:12:55 · 4 answers · asked by SweetBrunette 5

2006-08-02 14:06:54 · 22 answers · asked by ? 6

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee;
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd a way!

Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song,
List while I woo thee with soft melody;
Gone are the cares of life's busy throng, --
Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

Beautiful dreamer, out on the sea
Mermaids are chaunting the wild lorelie;
Over the streamlet vapors are borne,
Waiting to fade at the bright coming morn.

Beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart,
E'en as the morn on the streamlet and sea;
Then will all clouds of sorrow depart, --
Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

2006-08-02 14:06:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-02 14:05:16 · 5 answers · asked by . 3

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part forHis family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And Then the trouble started.


Shut up. You know it's funny.

2006-08-02 13:45:09 · 46 answers · asked by chieko 4