Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Need to text my husband some jokes. He needs to be cheered up!

2006-08-03 06:35:16 · 9 answers · asked by ShineOnYouCrazyDiamond 4

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Everybody going through hell should just keep fugging going!

12 Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the off position before being lodged up your asz by the angry motorist you just rear-ended."

11 Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"

10 Viagra: "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald and ugly!"

9 The Clapper: "Use of this product near a construction site is not recommended."

8 Pineapple: "Not to be inserted rectally. No, seriously -- it's not a good idea."

7 Rogaine: "Excessive use may result in a career as a boxing promoter."

6 Zima: "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your already-remote prospects of getting laid."

5 Raquel Welch: "Contents may have settled."

4 Windows2000: "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss or corruption of your teenager!

3 Whitman Sampler: "Caution - you never know what you're gonna git."

2 El Presidente Cigars: "Should only be enjoyed orally."

1 Prozac: "Whatever"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-03 06:23:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Today was the happiest day of my life, i went through the church doors and my husband was waiting for me at the alter. I walked down the aisle towards him, when i got there i kissed him on the cheek and they closed the lid on his coffin!

2006-08-03 06:23:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American couple visiting in a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.
"Gesundheit!" said the clerk.
"Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "We're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."




have fun:)

2006-08-03 06:22:08 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

one was an incurable pessimist the other an incurable optimist. On their birthday the pessimist was given a room full of toys and the optimist a room full of horse s**t. The pessimist opens the door to his room looks at all the shiny new toys and sighs "A lot of these toys are motor driven and their batteries will run out and I suppose I will have to show them to my cousins and they will break some and steal some, and their paint will chip and they will wear out. All in all I wish you hadn't given me this roomful of toys "he lamented
The optimist opened the door to his room saw the horse s**t and dived head first in and began burrowing around in it .When his horrified parents extricated him from the excrement and asked him what on earth he was doing he replied" With all this horseshit there has got to be a pony in here somewhere!!!!!"

2006-08-03 06:21:15 · 14 answers · asked by Sherry Baby ( Ethan's Mama ) 6

dressed solely in a pair of underpants .... and announced that I had come as a 'Premature Ejaculation' ...... would it be in order to state that I had just come in my pants?

2006-08-03 06:19:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddles are good too!

2006-08-03 06:17:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there?" shouted the guard.
The first prisoner replied with convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard went back to his rounds.
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
"The other cat," answered the prisoner.

2006-08-03 06:11:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

as most days, I don't know if I'm coming or going?

2006-08-03 06:04:48 · 13 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

from her husband "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"She says to which her friend replies "Why don't you have a vase!"

2006-08-03 05:56:18 · 17 answers · asked by Sherry Baby ( Ethan's Mama ) 6

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

2006-08-03 05:47:31 · 13 answers · asked by Sad Monkey 3

I got a letter the doctor that cicumcised me when I was a baby.
Actually,it was more of a thank you note.
He said he had enough left over to make him a pair of boots.
Well,they were boots until he polished them.Then they turned in to hip waders.

2006-08-03 05:44:39 · 8 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

Hello folks. This is a very very difficult illusion trick. It may not be difficult if you are lucky enough. Its my favorite trick so far.
Take a look at the image in the image link below. The image is of a Seychelles 50 rupees bill (like 50 pounds). There is a very strange english word found in the bill you may not be able to find it a first sight, but you will find the word if you are very careful and observant.
Sometimes i wonder if the president or the government of seychelles ever noticed the trick, maybe they know about it but they could have banned the bill.

Here is the image link:
http://img109.imageshack.us/img109/584/seychelles50rupees8rupg0.jpg

If you can find the word then you are one of the most observant person i have seen on this site.
After the word has been found i will post another image to show where the word is.
If you find the word explain how you found it and in what area of the bill did you find it.
Good luck folks!!

2006-08-03 05:42:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a party, a guy walks up to a stunning young woman and said, "Gentlemen prefer blondes."

Thinking to shake him, she replied, "I'm not really a blonde."

He said, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-03 05:39:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

2006-08-03 05:38:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM ?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

2006-08-03 05:36:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ten points to who ever guesses first.

2006-08-03 05:32:52 · 22 answers · asked by lady heather 3

Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

2006-08-03 05:32:39 · 7 answers · asked by Sad Monkey 3

2006-08-03 05:31:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

When i was a baby i was ugly the doctor did'nt slap my @rse he punched me in the face

(followed up with)

When i was a baby i was so ugly my mother used to hang a pork chop round my neck just so the dog would play with me

2006-08-03 05:20:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-03 05:20:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

four intrepid travelers are down to their very last match.They have to make an important decision: they have an oil lamp, a small gas fire and a stove full of wood. Which should they light first if they are to survive the freezing night air ?

2006-08-03 05:18:15 · 5 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

2006-08-03 05:17:27 · 18 answers · asked by alice_g18 1

2006-08-03 05:10:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a guy called Edna...

2006-08-03 05:10:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

All's fair in love and war.

2006-08-03 05:08:09 · 27 answers · asked by golfergirlie2008 2

i was just wondering

2006-08-03 05:03:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

my dad pretended that he wuz mentally retarrded and wuz "hitting" on the pizza delivery guy!!! it wuz hilarious!!!~!!!

2006-08-03 05:00:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another From a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director
reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

2006-08-03 05:00:40 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

Let me hear the best Little Johnny for 10 points! Make me laugh!

2006-08-03 04:59:15 · 2 answers · asked by Brian.E 2