Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Midlife is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.

In midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Midlife is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is now the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Midlife brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Midlife is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In midlife your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Midlife means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally - more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Midlife means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy
Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But midlife also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

2006-08-12 20:52:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn so you know which one it is. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

She says OK, and the rancher leaves for the fields.

A few hours later, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door, and Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one: right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think was just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she says pointing. "By the nail over its stall"

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"Well," she says as she turns to walk away, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

2006-08-12 20:50:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush allows the kids to ask a few questions.

One little boy, Billy, gathers the courage to raise his hand and asks, "How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?"

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they'll continue afterward.

Half an hour later the kids come back inside.

"Where were we?" says Dubya. "Oh, yes: does anyone want to ask me anything?"

A different boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.?

Second, Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And third, where the hell is Billy?"

2006-08-12 20:48:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

even if it's a real funny thing happened to u...

2006-08-12 20:48:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

no blonde jokes please. anything else goes

2006-08-12 20:44:53 · 14 answers · asked by hey_finny 3

http://www.oxymoronlist.com/

Virtual Reality
Work Party
Tax Return
Pretty Ugly
Alone Together
Living Dead
Same Difference
Peace Force
awfully good
blind eye
birth control
Doing Nothing
Floating to the bottom

2006-08-12 20:44:34 · 7 answers · asked by KITKAT 3

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

2006-08-12 20:42:04 · 26 answers · asked by SeahawkMan 3

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in
8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
Drove them to school, came home and picked up
the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted
and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

2006-08-12 20:41:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ugly, he fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. Proposing a bargain, he said he'd forgo the debt if he could marry
his daughter.
Both farmer and daughter were horrified.
The cunning moneylender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.
He told them that he'd put a black pebble and a white pebble
into an empty bag. Then the girl would pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife
and her fathers' debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble, she need not marry him and her fathers' debt would still be forgiven.
3) If she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be
thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmers' field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles. What would
you have done if you were the girl?

2006-08-12 20:39:43 · 4 answers · asked by elge13 3

http://www.goenglish.com/Idioms.asp

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush ( keep what you have and don't be greedy for more ...
A Drop In The Bucket ( not important ... )
Burning The Midnight Oil ( up late at night working hard ... )
Can't Cut The Mustard ( not good enough to participate ... )
The Devil Is In The Details ( the difficult part is in the many small details ... )Give Him The Slip ( to escape from that person ... )

anyway if you like them too here is a link to see them and what they all mean

2006-08-12 20:39:21 · 4 answers · asked by KITKAT 3

the question was- imagine you are stuck in the 20th floor and you are cought in fire. there are no extingushers and nothing with you. how will you escape without getting hurt? the answer is stop imagining. do you think is funny?

2006-08-12 20:38:00 · 8 answers · asked by naomi clark 2

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

2006-08-12 20:31:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-12 20:30:59 · 23 answers · asked by nadia m 2

i have a gun. i walk into a room and shot my self in the head few minutes later i walk out fine. were was i?

2006-08-12 20:29:36 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-12 20:19:42 · 11 answers · asked by emily. 2

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word ?Timbuktu.?

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

?'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.?

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

?Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu?

2006-08-12 20:18:26 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Joe and Rhoda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:


"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed...

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and Hey! The Coopers are having sex!"

Joe and Rhoda shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"

2006-08-12 20:16:10 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

A Southern boy goes off to college, but he only got about a third of the way through the semester before he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this: they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, getting even more excited. "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, and I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says somberly, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' I was shocked."

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a b-i-t-c-h!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

2006-08-12 20:14:04 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

2006-08-12 20:11:36 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

One day, two ladies decide to go to the zoo. As they walk by the monkey house, a gorilla reaches out and grabs one of the ladies.

The beast pulls her into the cage and starts to hump her.

The second lady rushes off and summons help to rescue her friend. It takes awhile, but they manage to get her away from the wild animal.

A few days later, the second lady visits her friend in the hospital. When she sees her in her hospital bed, she asks, "How are you feeling? Are you hurt?"

"Of course I'm hurt!" the friend says, starting to cry. "It's been two days and the bastard hasn't called or anything!"

2006-08-12 20:09:27 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

A young man finally got a date with the hot blonde that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof to get a quick tan. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get an all-over sunburn instead.

Determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood to prepare for his hot evening.

But it wasn't enough: the evening's activities were excruciating. During a break he went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk, and then dunked his sunburned member in, which offered immediate relief of his pain.

His date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him immersed in a glass of milk. Before the embarrassed chap could say anything, she did: "Huh! That's how you guys load those things!"

2006-08-12 20:05:56 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

2006-08-12 20:04:42 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is stupid but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?? He's not deaf, you idiot, he's blind!"

2006-08-12 20:03:15 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humping. The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”

The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”

2006-08-12 20:02:58 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.

He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-*** job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery.

About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache."

2006-08-12 20:01:39 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

2006-08-12 20:01:31 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

What makes you laugh....?

2006-08-12 19:28:56 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-12 19:13:28 · 10 answers · asked by coolncaring 2

There's a man from India named Omaha and he married 37 women without being divorced and none died. How is that? E-mail me for the answer.

2006-08-12 18:59:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ton of cotton or Steel

2006-08-12 18:57:59 · 21 answers · asked by malcom 3