10 pts for best jokes?

Question

no blonde jokes please. anything else goes

Answer 1

Lawyer vs. Hooker

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.
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Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

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Your Family Is So Poor

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”
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M&M's

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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Trix are for Kids

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Answer 2

Murphy's Sex Laws


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1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Answer 3

I am from louisiana so I have tons of boudreaux and thibideaux jokes.

One of my favorites.........

One day boudreaux was in the airport when he saw two very well dressed men from another country walk by. They sat close
to him and he noticed as one gentlemen answered his ringing hand. Boudreaux waited patienly until the man hung up to ask
Sir , what on earth was that, The gentlemen said, well you see my country is way more advanced than yours and we have a chip that when implanted into my hand it is my cell phone. Boudreaux was secretly impressed but didnt show it. Then the other gentlemen rolled up his sleave and some numbers appeared. Boudreaux , exclaimed, WHAT IS THAT?, The gentleman said, as my friend just told you , our country is more advanced and we placed a chip in my arm so that now I use it as a beeper. Boudreaux was again secretly impressed and also unnerved by their implication that cajuns were dumb. But he
scuffs and walks to the rest room. When he comes out the two
men are laughing hysterically and pointing at boudreaux, boudreaux is upset now and says , what is so funny?
The gentlemen say, you have toilet paper coming from your pants.........Boudreaux scoffed and said , HUH! thats what you think, you see us cajuns are more advanced than you , Thats not toilet paper , I am recieving a Fax.



Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

Answer 4

1] DEAR TIMMY,
IM WRITING THIS SLOW BECAUSE I KNOW U CAN'T READ FAST. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, WE JUST SHIFTED HOUSE AND WE HAVE A NEW WASHING MACHINE. DAD PUT THE CLOTHES IN AND PULLED THE LEVER AND THE CLOTHES DISAPPEARED. WE WERE WONDERING WHERE THEY ALL WENT. HOW ARE THINGS IN SCHOOL? I HEARD YOU NEEDED SOME MONEY FOR THE TEXTBOOKS.
I WANTED TO SEND YOU THE MONEY BUT THE ENVELOPE WAS ALREADY SEALED.
LOVE,
MOM

2] A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

Answer 5

how about this... a bit old but still makes me smile...

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."

liked it??

Answer 6

OK, here you go ...


A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens.

They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others.
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out".

Answer 7

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Answer 8

Two men had been in a car accident. One was hurt and told to be on bed rest by his doctor. The other was fine so was taking care of his friend. One day the hurt man asked his friend if he would go upstairs and get both of his slippers. The friend went upstairs and ran into the hurt man's two college-aged daughters. He told them their father had told him to come upstairs and have sex with them both. They said he was lying. So the man called downstairs to his friend, "Do you want me to get both of them?" To which the hurt man replied "Yes, get them both."

Answer 9

A man was walking in the street. He fell down.

Answer 10

what is HARD and STIFF when put in the mouth and SOFT and WET when PULLED OUT??? a stick of GUM !!!!!!!! get your mind out of the gutter if you was 12 you would know the answer right away