Can u tell me a sweet briefed joke to help me laugh?!, i'm too tired and annoyed today, so pls make me laugh

Question

even if it's a real funny thing happened to u...

Answer 1

> A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
>jabs into her breast. They're both quite startled. The man turns to her
>and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."
> She replies, "If your d**k is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
>
> A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous
>woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He
>asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book.
>It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men
>are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
> "Tonto Goldstein, nice to meet you."
>
> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
>his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got
>a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
> The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
>back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
>tomorrow too?"
>
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
>number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
>he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
>pickle slicer.
> His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
>it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
>compulsion on his own.
> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at
>once that something was seriously wrong.
> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
> "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
>to put my penis int o the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
> "Yes, I did."
> "My! God, Bill, what happened?"
> "I got fired"
> "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh..she got fired too."
>
> A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, 50
>years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
> "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
>as jaybirds fifty years ago."
> "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
> Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
> "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
>nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
> "I wouldn' t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
>and the other is in your oatmeal."

Answer 2

A really overweight man goes to a clinic that guarantees rapid and large weight loss with two separate pay levels, one treatment is $500, and the other treatment is a $1000, and since he has tried everything else, he is desperate, so he goes in and fills out the forms, telling them that he will try the $500 treatment first, then he is taken to a locker room to change, and all he is allowed to wear is a large towel wrapped around him, then he is taken down a hallway with only two doors, he is taken to the first door, the aide has him put his towel on a hook outside of the door, she tells him the door lock has a timer, so that the door won`t open for an hour, he goes inside, the door locks behind him, then on the other side of the room, a door opens, and a beautiful and naked young woman comes out, with only a sign around her neck that says, "you catch me, you f*ck me". The man comes back the next week and tells the person behind the desk that he was very happy with the weight that he had lost on his first visit, so now he wanted to try the $1000 treatment, so, like before he changes and is taken this time to the second door, he places his towel on the hook, and then he enters the room, and after hearing the door lock, a door opened up across the room, and a 500 pound Gorilla comes out, with a sign around it`s neck, saying "I catch you, I f*ck you".

Answer 3

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency,we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Answer 4

I'll tell you a short story.

In a village, many years ago, there lived an old man named Franklin. Now, Franklin didn't like the name Franklin, so he made everyone call him by his middle name, Maxwell. He didn't like the name Maxwell either though, so he went by the shortened version, Max. Everyone called him Max. Even his parents. Even his doctor. Even the president of the United States. And that says a lot. Um, I can't really remember how it goes next, but he dies. The end.

Answer 5

Try this one:

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

Answer 6

A horse walks into a psychiatrists office, the Dr. says, "hey, why the long face?"

Answer 7

Turn up your speakers for this sweet short true video and you will giggle!!!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1152360540/Dog_Wins_A_Game_Of_Simon_Says

Answer 8

one day, a kindergarten boy ask his teacher to go to the toilet but his teacher insist on him saying his ABC first.so he said: A ,B ,C ,D ,E ,F,G ,H ,I ,J ,K ,L ,M ,N ,O ,Q ,R ,S ,T ,U ,V ,W ,X ,Y ,Z. but his teacher said that he missed out the P . the boy said that it is running down his pants!

Answer 9

hERE'S MY VERY FAV: wHAT DO U GET IF U CROSS A ZEBRA AND A PIG?????




A STRIPED SAUSAGE!!!