A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
2006-08-12 20:31:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
there was an elderly couple in a nursing home and they had been friends for years when one day they they decided to get it on with each other they are chatting away about sex when the man asked her what it is she really enjoyed.
"oral sex" replied the woman.
in an instant the man was on his knees lapping away at the woman.suddenly he jumped up
"that is disgusting"he cries.
"im so sorry" said the woman "its my arthritis"
"you dont get athritis down there" he replies.
"i know you dont" said the woman "its in my arms and i cant wipe my a.rse"
2006-08-12 20:47:39 · answer #1 · answered by red** 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a £50 on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me £20 change!"
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
2006-08-12 20:38:39 · answer #2 · answered by magicMcArthur 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
At the final of the nudist women's doubles tennis match at Wimbledon a problem was noticed by the umpire.
When talking after the game to reporters he said " In all my years, I've never seem the crowds heads move up and down more than from side to side?
2006-08-13 01:18:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
2006-08-13 21:03:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
a lady followed her husband to the well being care specialist's place of work. After his checkup, the well being care specialist called the spouse into his place of work on my own. He stated, "Your husband is affected by a really intense rigidity affliction. in case you do not shop on with my training heavily, your husband will particularly die. "each and every morning, fix him a healthful breakfast. Be pleasant in any respect cases. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner practice a really tremendous meal for him. "do not burden him with chores. do not communicate your problems with him; that is going to in hardship-free words make his rigidity worse. do no longer nag him. maximum significantly, make like to him frequently. "if you're able to target this for the subsequent 10 months to a twelve months, i imagine your husband will regain his well being thoroughly." on the way residing house, the husband requested his spouse, "What did the well being care specialist say?" "He stated you're going to die," she responded. a youthful businessman had purely began his own agency. He rented a captivating place of work and had it provided with antiques. Sitting there, he noted a guy come into the outer place of work. Wishing to seem the nice and comfy shot, the businessman picked up the phone and began to fake he had a huge deal operating. He threw huge figures round and made huge commitments. finally he hung up and requested the targeted visitor, "am i able to help you?" the guy stated, "Yeah, i have come to turn on your telephone strains."
2016-11-30 00:37:47 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what do u do if george bush throws a grenade at you?
take out the pin and throw it back.
"when you go to the men's room you will see a sign that says "GENTLEMEN". pay no heed to it. go right on in anyway.
2006-08-12 23:00:37 · answer #6 · answered by LeoDimachi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
how about this...
There's a crafty man who always wanted to know whats God's unit of mesurement so he prays to God hoping he would talk to him.One night he got to speak to God and ask's 'God, what is a million years to you ?' GOd replies 'Well son, it's about a minute for me.' Thinking hard, the man asks God, 'God, how about a million dollars?'.God replies, ' It's about a cent for me.'Feeling excited, the man asks God, 'God, can you give me a cent of yours, thinking he's making easy money.God then replies,' Ok son,just hold on a minute...'
liked it??
2006-08-12 20:40:36 · answer #7 · answered by [♪] uvhJ 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Turn up your speakers and get ready to laugh at this short true video!
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1152360540/Dog_Wins_A_Game_Of_Simon_Says
2006-08-13 11:07:07 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
where do cows go on a saturday night?
the moooooooooooovies
2006-08-12 21:00:15 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This one is funny.
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx?joke_id=34417cat-id=28
This one is funny
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx?joke_id=4218&cat=28
This one is funny too
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/ joke_of_day.aspx?joke_id=5855&cat_id=28
This is my last funny joke...
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx?joke_id=5951&cat_id=28
2006-08-13 08:35:31 · answer #10 · answered by Marissa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋