Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she
said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later
that night when they went to sleep. Around two
in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later
with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
When I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days, nobody offered me so as much as a
glass of water!"

2006-08-12 18:56:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's heavier? A ton of feathers or a ton of bricks??

2006-08-12 18:51:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well this the most hilarious game in the world!! Go call your ex boyfriend then put him on hold and see how long he stays on for you. But the thing is, dont come back to him!!!! if he stays on more then 15 mins he really wants you back!! Mine stayed on for 17 minutes!! that suckaa!! come back and tell me how long your ex stayed on hold for without hanging up!!!

2006-08-12 18:48:36 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Well I've heard many variations of this one. One of them being with laundrey heh ♥

2006-08-12 18:42:18 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-12 18:32:02 · 15 answers · asked by dhanu 1

What comes at night after sun is gone.
it gives you hope and prepares you for the coming dawn.
you find strenght to rise and shine
and carryout your day.
hope it never ends
these words i say

So What is the answer?

2006-08-12 18:17:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Go to www.google.com and type in the word failure and get a kick out of what comes up before they fix it.......hehehehe

2006-08-12 18:01:51 · 32 answers · asked by Mrs. Butler ♥2 B♥ 5

please..........

2006-08-12 17:49:54 · 48 answers · asked by misanagiphoenia_18 2

"Yellow River" by I.P. Daily
"Under the Bleachers" by Seymore Butts
"Mission to Mars" by Hugo Phurst
"Stains on the Sheets" by Mister Completely
"Forty Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makeit and Betty Dont
"The Flea Market Shopper" by Ben Taken and Frank Apprasail
"Street Smarts" by Amanda Reckonwith
"Magic Made Easy" by Howdy Doodat

2006-08-12 17:36:22 · 9 answers · asked by Norman Conquest 3

son takes dad to nurseing home when he gets to old. dad says please son dont leave me here. i wont be any trouble. son says ill make a deal. stay one week like it stay if u dont like it u can come home with me. 1st day a nurse comes in to give a sponge bath. the little old man gets an erection. im so sorry this never happens to me. nurse says no probelm ill take care of that . climbs on top and rides him till cant take no more. old man calls son says i love this place its great. son says glad to hear it. 2nd day all he has to wear is hospital robe without a back in it. feeling good he throws it on and goes for a walk. the old man trips in the hallway and falls down. a big male orderly comes up behind him and starts pouring the coals to him. old man gets back to his room . calls his son .. u have to get me out of here this place is terrible..son says what happened you liked it yesterday. old man says i may get an erection 3 times a yr. im liable to fall down at least 3 times a day..

2006-08-12 17:18:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

2006-08-12 17:17:01 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-12 17:15:08 · 13 answers · asked by jo 2

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java.
Photos by Don Rapelje

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt

2006-08-12 17:12:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a little boy was taking a shower with his mom and the mom says dont look up and dont look down so the little boy looks up anyway and he ask what are those mom and she said those are my headlights then he looks down and ask what is that and she says that is my tunnel.
then the next time he takes a shower with his dad and his dad says dont look down so the little boy looks down and asks what is that and the dad answers thats my truck. so one night the little boy comes into there room and shouts mommy mommy turn on your headlights dads truck is going through your tunnel. so what do you think too gross?

2006-08-12 17:11:54 · 21 answers · asked by TWINKLESTAR 2

Last time, we saw this riddle:

What do you call a parrot that's not getting any food?
A: A polynomial!

Heheh... Polly no meal... hehe.. And here is today's riddle:

What happens when a piano drops on a military base?

Good luck!

2006-08-12 17:02:41 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"

2006-08-12 16:57:12 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

2006-08-12 16:51:23 · 21 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

10. When an argument starts ... he calls for backup.

9. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey."

8. Calls passing gas the "silent alarm."

7. Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.

6. Lots of references to the "old night stick."

5. Never hear him say "Oh man ... not donuts again!"

4. Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer"

3. Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.

2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.

And the number one sign you are married to a cop...

1. Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!

2006-08-12 16:46:52 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Which weighs more?

All the trains that pass through the Grand Central Station in New York City in one year
--or--
All the tress cut down to make US currency in one year.

first who can answer gets ten points. and you're just plain awesome if you can name where i got this riddle.

2006-08-12 16:43:09 · 25 answers · asked by cbarcher 2

A: Too many thank you cards to write.

2006-08-12 16:40:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-12 16:38:25 · 9 answers · asked by Dee 1

2006-08-12 16:33:37 · 16 answers · asked by jj_bao 3

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

2006-08-12 16:27:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend made this one up all by himself.

A group of men are bragging about how disloyal they are with their wives.
"I been with ten other women since I was married." says one
"Heck, I do that many women every week!" says another
"Yeah, well I regularly fool around with every woman in my office, and that's just from 9-5!" says the last.
The men begin to argue as to who is the best cheater. They decide to have a contest to resolve the matter. Each man got out a sheet of paper, and each time they cheated they would get the woman to sign the paper verifying the act. At the end of the week, the winner would get a gold medal, paid for by the other men.
At the end of the week, all of the men were braggin about how successful they had been. But one guy had forgotten about the challenge, and did not have any signitures. So while no one was looking, he stole the paper of the most successful guy, who had over thirty.
When they all brought out their papers, the man who had no (tbc)

2006-08-12 16:13:18 · 13 answers · asked by bowlingcap 2

a sign at the gorilla cage read, Beware this animal spits.
and he was.

2006-08-12 16:08:29 · 44 answers · asked by Dee 1

Ok, there is a writer writing about ninjas. Unfortunantly when the ninjas found him, they didn't know and a ninja pulled out his sword The writer had only his belt and paper. He threw a piece of paper at a ninja are tried to escape using his belt as a vine rope. Unfortunantly, the belt was old and it broke. Now he only has paper to defend himself. He suddently remembered that he needed that belt for a reason.

The moral: Get Tighter Pants.

The aftermath: The writer was able to get away becaause the ninja was too busy laughing at his Rainbow underwear.

2006-08-12 16:05:57 · 6 answers · asked by Family Tech Support 3

But what if they have a gun?

2006-08-12 15:42:35 · 7 answers · asked by johnny r 1

2006-08-12 15:36:11 · 16 answers · asked by Reagan 1

That a band can use when they come onstage?
Thanks!

2006-08-12 15:31:32 · 8 answers · asked by thinkGREEN 3

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

2006-08-12 15:05:53 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7