Best joke you have ever heard?

Answer 1

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose! the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the ******** difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little

TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TON Y says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow.job."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tit.s, you'd be a TEN !"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie,"! replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ******** beautiful !'"




LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ******** business."'



A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."



Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc. Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack." "Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who pushed me in!"






voodoo di.ck

There was this man and woman, and they were married. Well, the woman was always horny and wanted sex all the time. The husband had to go away on a business trip and needed something to keep his wife satisfies until he got back. He went to a pleasure place looking for dildos. He walked in and asked to see all the dildos. the man took all of them out except for one. the man told him he wanted to see the one in the box. the man said that it wasn't for sale. He finally talked him into taking it out and looking at it. the man said,"this is a voodoo di.ck. let me demonstrate. Voodoo di.ck the keyhole." the voodoo di.ck went over to the door and started doing to keyhole. the man said,"voodoo di.ck back in your box." Well the man finally talked him into letting him buy the voodoo di.ck. He took it home and told his wife that whenever she got horny just say voodoo di.ck my puss.y. he left and she got really horny and said,"voodoo di.ck my pus.sy." well she had an orgasm and wanted it to stop. she couldn't get it to stop, she tried pulling at it hitting it and everything. she got in her car to go to the doctor to see if hecould stop it. her foot kept hitting the gas really hard and a cop pulled her over. he asked her what she was doing and she told him about the voodoo di.ck. The cop smurked and said,"yeah, voodoo di.ck my a.ss."!!!!


Why did Disney fire Cinderella?

Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's nose and making him tell lies.


Monique walked in to a sexshop. She told the shop assistant she wanted to buy a dildo, the man said far wall right hand side we have lots to choose from. So she began to choose. Green ones... pink ones.... but jordan says she wants the red one and the shop assistant says there must be some mistake thats the fire extinguisher.


Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and
yelled "God almighty" and the techer told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher her asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
Then the teacher faints.



A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find that it overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies: "if you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"


One day, superman was flieing and he saw
Wonder Woman laying naked on the roof of
her house. He thought, "I wonder if I can
go down there and screw Wonder Woman so fast
without her knowing what happened." So he did.
A few seconds after Superman flew away, Wonder
Woman asked, "What was that?" the Invisable
Man said, "I don't know, but my as.s really hurts."


The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this:

You are a Siamese Twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.

You are not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one a.ss.



Cinderella was ready to go to the ball and she got a problem, her period!She didnt know what to do! so her fairy godmother comes and says whats wrong Cinderella why are you crying? Cinderella says im sad i just got my period and now i cant go to the ball! Her fairy godmother says "here this will make everything all better, its a magic tampon!"" but you have to be back at 12:00 pm or it will turn into a pumpkin!" Cinderella says ok and sticks it in and goes to the ball! well its 12:00 and Cinderella isnt there her fairy godmother is wondering why she isnt at home yet, ok now its 1:00 and she is still not home , ok now its 3:00 am and Cinderella finally gets home and Her fairy godmother was frantic and says" Cinderella were have you been dont you remember me telling you what would of happened if you didnt come back at 12:00 pm?" cinderella says" dont worry about it i met a guy named PETER!" ( peter peter pumpkin eater)




A boy hears the ice cream truck comming down
the road and runs into his house to ask his
Mom for a dollar. She agree's and gives him
the dollar and with that he takes off running
out the door... just in time to stop the
truck. The ice cream man says: "alright son
what can I get you?" The boy say's: "What do
you have?" Ice cream man say's: "Well...I
have anything you see here...chocolate,
vanilla, and strawberry." The little boy
thinks for a second and finally replies:
"I will have chocolate!" The ice cream man
opens up his chocolate bin and say's: "sorry
son, all out of chocolate." The boy say's:
"you said that I could have anything that I
see here and I see chocolate, I want
chocolate!" The ice cream man looks at the
boy and say's: "but son we are out of
chocolate, wouldn't you like some strawberry
instead?" The boy SCREAMS: "NO! You said I
could have chocolate and that is what I
want!" The ice cream man thinks for a second
and finally say's: "Listen here...do you see
the 'VAN' in vanilla?" The boy say's:
"Yes..." Ice cream man say's: "do you see
the 'STRAW' in strawberry?" Little boy
say's: "Yes...." Ice cream man say's: "do
you see the ' *****' in chocolate?" Little Boy
say's: "UMM, NO!" Ice cream man say's:
"That's cuz, THERE AIN'T NO ******'
CHOCOLATE!"


hope u like them i would put more but then it would be too many

Answer 2

A teacher was conducting a lesson on the different senses in her third grade class. Today was the lesson on taste and she blind folded the children and gave them an item to eat and they would guess what the item was that they were eating. The teacher gives little Kimmie a Hershey's kiss, but did not tell her what it was, but gave her a clue instead "Kimmie, it's something that your daddy asks your mommy for each morning before going to work." Little Tommy screams out "Dont put your mouth on it!!!! It's a piece of ***!!!"

Answer 3

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”

Answer 4

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . . .









A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Bush, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Answer 5

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Answer 6

this is kind of old but still very funny
.......................



A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

Answer 7

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so ...

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Answer 8

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 9

http://home.att.net/~soloshideaway/658/vacation.htm

This is called "Vacation Blonde and the Alligator Boots," and have your speakers turned up!

Answer 10

the magic golden peter

a guy decides to get his wife an anniversery gift
he stops at a magic shop
he sees a golden dildo on the wall and asked the owner what it does
the shop owner said,"its magic,and all you have to do is call it by its name and give a command and it will start screwing its target until orgasm is reached.
he takes it back to his wife and says,"magic golden peter my wife!"
the thing starts to glow and starts humping her.he then goes off to work.
in the mean time she is getting bored by it so she can't figure out how to get it to stop,so she puts a pair of pants on over it a goes to his work.
she meats one of his fellow workers on the way there and he sees her pants moving in and out.
he says,"whats that?"she says"its the magic golden peter!"
he says,"magic golden peter my as s!"

Answer 11

why would u want ur lawn to be emo?
so it would cut iteslf.


why did the blonde take back her memory pillow?
because it did not improve her memory at all!