Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

A Woman’s Perfect Breakfast:

She’s sitting at the kitchen table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of a milk carton.


A Woman’s Prayer:

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him,
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN

2006-07-24 07:57:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

And i aint knocking old ppl here so be cool plz lol

2006-07-24 07:48:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im a bit hungover today and am to scared to check the contents of my calvins but i will say that their hanging like a carpenters nail bag..

2006-07-24 07:45:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
????????????????????????

2006-07-24 07:45:09 · 5 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

if you break it down into pure shapes...

http://answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=AhYE3m9e1KxVEqN63SGjw4Hsy6IX?show=AA11916638
http://answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=AuetJfpSMtxE6X0GLxP5ntfsy6IX?show=AA11081237

2006-07-24 07:42:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

im bored and want a good laugh... Red neck jokes to plz!!

2006-07-24 07:40:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word — from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time? There is more than one possible answer, but do not use plural form of nouns.

2006-07-24 07:27:32 · 11 answers · asked by MELISSA B 5

2006-07-24 07:27:30 · 16 answers · asked by latennighter 3

For example: pickle feather takes sooty shovel with cat buttons on the laquer stand. But only when pushpins and key chocolate is in the plastic underwear elephant.











Well, what's the awnswer?

2006-07-24 07:21:05 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is a corridor that leads into an empty room. the room is completely empty except for a lamp in one of the corners. on the other side of the corridor are 3 switches. you know that one of them turns on the lamp, the other 2 dont do anything. you can play around with the switches turning each of them on and off as much as you like, then you can go into the room 1 (one!!) time to check whether the lamp is on or off (there is a door so you cant know without entering the room). leaving the room, you have to know which of the 3 switches works and which 2 dont.

2006-07-24 07:05:19 · 26 answers · asked by blckwidwbite 2

1st to get it right gets 10 points

2006-07-24 07:01:31 · 38 answers · asked by zac d 2

can anyone give?
can anyone give me a good joke or tell me anything funny. best one gets ten points

2006-07-24 07:00:51 · 14 answers · asked by chaopred 3

A guy is stranded on a desert island. He's been there a long time. He is rescued by a ship. He goes straight to the cook and orders albatrose. After taking one bite, he turns and runs up to the deck and throws himself overboard. Why did he order albatrose and why did he kill himself?

Usually the riddle works with people asking yes or no questions, so you are welcome to.

2006-07-24 06:58:33 · 7 answers · asked by Mustang L 3

im standing in a building.
this building has no windows, no doors and i can see the whole town below me.
what building am i in?

want another?

a man is in the middle of a feild.
hes not deppressed, hes perfectly healthy and he knows hes going to die. how will he die?

(hes not murderd! hes on his own!)

2006-07-24 06:57:42 · 15 answers · asked by ♥āngelic♥děmon♥ 3

2006-07-24 06:56:17 · 31 answers · asked by Shaz 5

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible"
"Of course it was. Just wait ‘til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500" "$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pus'sy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pus'sy, I'd own Manhattan"

2006-07-24 06:53:51 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts." They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who endured the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

****************************

2006-07-24 06:48:24 · 10 answers · asked by Pink Tigger 4

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to talk to the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. “Hire a handsome young man, and have him wave a towel over you while you are making love. This will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

The couple goes home and follows the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them while they make love. It doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed they go back to the rabbi.

“Okay,” says the rabbi to the husband. “Let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel.”

Once again they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, you young schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel!”

2006-07-24 06:11:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife responded, "The funeral director."

2006-07-24 06:09:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day and south of Kansas City when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" I shouted.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody.

2006-07-24 06:08:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy and his father get into a car crash his father dies and the son is in critical condition. the boy is rushed to the hospital and into the ER but the doctor says " i cant operate on the boy for he is my son " how can this be?

2006-07-24 06:00:42 · 26 answers · asked by C 1

2006-07-24 05:56:36 · 9 answers · asked by Bradley B 1

2006-07-24 05:49:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-24 05:48:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 05:36:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-24 05:35:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

get American coins in their change?

2006-07-24 05:04:52 · 6 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

2006-07-24 04:55:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 04:44:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young boys went to a pharmacy and picked up a box of tampax and proceeded to the check out. The man at the counter axked the older boy, "Son how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are for?" "Not exactly," the boy said, "but they're not for me, they are for him. He's my little brother he is four. We saw on TV that if you use these you will be able to swim and ride bikes. He can't do either one."

2006-07-24 04:43:20 · 21 answers · asked by newzealander 2