These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts." They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who endured the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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2006-07-24 06:48:24 · 10 answers · asked by Pink Tigger 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
lolz. good joke. thank you. and thank you for these two points also!
2006-07-24 06:55:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
$$ Here's some Jokes 4 ya,$$
- What kind of cheese isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!
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- What do you call a smelly teletubby?
Stinky Winky!
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- Why did the witch put a watch at the end of her broom stick?
Cuz she wanted time to fly.
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- Doctor, Doctor !! My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
------------------------------...
- Why did the duck try to cross the road?
to show his girlfriend he had guts
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- the 7 dwarfs were in the tub feeling happy so happy got up and left!
------------------------------...
- Man comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed with cold cream on and wearing curlers. "Honey," the man announces, "this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."
The wife looks annoyed and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The man replies, "You old fool! I wasn't talking to you!"
------------------------------...
- A marine and a soldier were driving down the same road, both talking on a phone. They got into a terrible crash, and there cars were totaled, but none of them got hurt. The marine produced a bottle of alcohol and said:"Well, we're both to blame and we're okay, so why don't we drink this bottle of wine and bury the hatchet?" The soldier said okay, so the marine gave him the bottle and he drank half of it and offered it to the marine. The marine said:" I'll wait for the cops to show up first."
------------------------------...
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food
2006-07-24 14:15:47 · answer #2 · answered by COP 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very funny....hehehe....how abt this one:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Dont move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend youre a statue."
"Whats this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
2006-07-24 15:10:20 · answer #3 · answered by ♥Gilmore♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes funny, I've gotten that in a email before, that never gets old....
2006-07-24 13:52:34 · answer #4 · answered by Fox Hunt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
those first couple were funny. i liked it overall though. nice job. i give it 4 stars
2006-07-24 14:00:42 · answer #5 · answered by ~*!GirlNextDoor!*~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
John was in a bar looking very dejected.His friend,Steve,walked over and asked,"What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law,"John replied,while shaking his head sadly.'Cheer up,"Steve said."Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."'Yeah,"John answered."But I got mine pregnant."
2006-07-24 13:58:31 · answer #6 · answered by 2BaD4u 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
LOL. Thank you. Have a great evening.
2006-07-24 15:18:18 · answer #7 · answered by jfmm 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thanks for the chuckle. If laughing is truly jogging for your insides, you just helped me run a marathon!
2006-07-24 13:52:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's just freakin hilarious ha ha ha still can't stop laughing
2006-07-24 13:55:28 · answer #9 · answered by blckwidwbite 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good jokes im gunna die of laughter
2006-07-24 14:37:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋