Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

WOW .... mommy always said I was a regular EINSTEIN!

(or was that Goldstein, or maybe Bernstein)
wait a minute .... I AM NOT EVEN JEWISH! MOM!?!

2006-07-24 09:40:21 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

Kermit's fingers

2006-07-24 09:36:43 · 10 answers · asked by diannabishop 4

Say I freeze a can of shaving cream. Take it out of the freezer in the morning before leaving for work. Say I take a can opener and cut off the bottom of the shaving cream can. Say I take it to work and put it in a desk drawer of a co worker. When it begins to thaw will it expand and just go everywhere?

2006-07-24 09:32:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you make me laugh? anything funny will do. long but not too long. thank you soo very much!

2006-07-24 09:31:12 · 6 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

I got a whistle up my butt

2006-07-24 09:30:44 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sure you can imagine
its simple as can be
the place is very common
the players he and she
im starting to get frightened
i almost did it last fall
he started to convince me
it wouldnt hurt at all
he looked right into my eyes
his face was in a grin
he said, "spread it a little wider
and let me stick it in."
Im starting to get scared
the tears are in my eyes
its hurting quite a bit now
it hurt so bad i cried
then it began to bleed, and he said,
"what do you need?"
so he handed me a tissue
and a glass of water
although he said, "it couldve been harder!"
if you read this carefully
its a dentist office you will find
it wasnt what you were thinking
it was just youre dirty mind.

2006-07-24 09:30:33 · 12 answers · asked by I.Am.What.I.Am ™ 2

Mrs O'Brien comes to visit her son Seamus
for 3 days in Dublin where he
is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki,
a girl room-mate.

Mrs O'Brien couldn't help but notice how pretty Seamus's
room-mate was.

She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this
had only made
her more curious. Reading his Mum's thoughts, Seamus
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Vikki and I are just room-mates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Seamus saying, "Ever
since your mother left, I
haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl.

"You don't
suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mam
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl
from my house, and
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact
remains that it
has been missing ever since you left. Love Seamus.

Several days later, Seamus received an email from his Mam
which read:

Dear Son
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that
you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the
sugar bowl by now.
Love Mam xxx

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie to Your Mother

2006-07-24 09:27:43 · 12 answers · asked by myrtle_bobby 2

Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

2006-07-24 09:26:54 · 9 answers · asked by ChocolateCoveredGoodness 5

you are standed on a very small island about 2ft square inside a large lake the water is about a mile each way you can just see the land. you have no clothes on you and you are very cold you cannot go into the water, as it is very cold you have about 30 mins to live how would you get off the island............. 10 points to the right answer

2006-07-24 09:22:23 · 16 answers · asked by michael 2

Think about it before you go ... huh? what?

2006-07-24 09:18:53 · 19 answers · asked by ? 6

woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

2006-07-24 09:17:51 · 30 answers · asked by postypaul 3

Ok. There is a guy in a car in the middle of an empty field. He was reading his book when he suddenly was murdered. All the windows were rolled up and bulletproof, the doors were locked and indistructable. How did he get murdered?

2006-07-24 09:13:24 · 40 answers · asked by ily[; 3

Please fill in the blank.. y'all sexy people.

Be my guest and let it fly..

I get high high high...

2006-07-24 09:08:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a carpender came to this old lady's house to install some carpet. the old lady said'' come on in, i'll be upstairs looking for my hamster, he must have gotton out of his container".so the man just went about his buisness installing the carpet. when he was finished he felt like having a smoke, but he couldn'd find his cigarettes. he seached the house for them and then he noticed their was a huge lump in the carpet. so he said "there's where i left them." "well no need to mess up the carpet, i'll just hammer it down." so when he was finished and ready to get paid and leave, the old lady comes up to him an said "here's your cigarettes,..you left them on the porch." "but i still can't find my hamster."

2006-07-24 09:06:37 · 6 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

ur drivng along and come to a bus stop where u see 3 ppl waitin for the bus...
1 an old woman who looks as though shes abou to die
2 best friend who once saved ur life
3 man/woman of ur dreams

which one would u choose to offer a ride to knowing there could only be 1 passenger in ur car

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

which one would u choose?

2006-07-24 09:05:56 · 67 answers · asked by Angela 2

While out Sports Fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber replied.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The Sharks got 'em."

2006-07-24 09:02:53 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-24 09:00:01 · 6 answers · asked by alma_emb 1

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did.
Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots.
Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town'.

2006-07-24 08:59:07 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

You drop a fully inflated Vollyball from the TOP of a 7 story building, then it bounces way back up over your head, why?

2006-07-24 08:58:23 · 13 answers · asked by french_dude4u 3

Or if a tree falls on a bear, does the world disintegrate?

2006-07-24 08:47:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 08:45:29 · 21 answers · asked by Wim 2

Ok, so you drop a perfectly inflated kickball of a ten story building, onto a cement sidewalk... but it only bounces back up a few inches... Why????

2006-07-24 08:44:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eating her oats and corn
It wasn't the spider who sat down beside her
But ????????????????????????????

2006-07-24 08:44:15 · 6 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

Peeing on ya mailbox..

Would y'all scramble for the shotgun, carry me into your house or just get down and ____ me?


Recognize the Power.

2006-07-24 08:30:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

report me. I should report you. Let's just do it and get it over with. OH. Not a Q or an A...YAWNNNNN...OK.

2006-07-24 08:29:35 · 17 answers · asked by ? 6

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her
nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks."No, Silly", she replies, snuggling up to him."Your
boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all." she says, nibblig away
at
his ear."Well, is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to
be
reassured."No, no, no!!" she answers"Well, who the hell is he?" he
demands
"That's me before the surgery"

2006-07-24 08:28:59 · 26 answers · asked by Baby Jack born 4/5/09 4

anybody know any good oxymorons, jokes, riddles (riddles must have answer with them)

you can give me as many as you want..

2006-07-24 08:26:46 · 8 answers · asked by jesus_freak_forever3days2grace 3

-  Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.

-  Overconfidence can be supplied by spare spark plugs, a set of wrenches, and a roll of toilet paper.

-  Never offer to fight an OLD geezer. If you win, there's NO glory. If you lose, your reputation is shot.

-  A good wrench will let you watch without charging you for it.

-  Advice is free and worth every penny.

-  Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.

-  Always back your scoot into the curb-and sit where you can see it.

-  Work to ride - Ride to work.

-  Whatever it is, it's better in the wind.

-  Two lane blacktop isn't a highway-it's an attitude.

-  When you look down the road, it seems to never end-but you better believe it does.

-  A biker can smell a party 5,000 miles away.

-  Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish.

-  A motorcycle can't sing on the streets of a city.

-  Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking.

-  People are like Motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently.

-  More races were won in the tavern than on the track.

-  Never loan your bike to someone else, and never ride another's.

-  If the bike ain't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine.

-  Motorcycling is a giant game of Mines Bigger than yours!

-  Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor.

-  Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on separate bikes.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-24 08:12:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

the was a murder. a man was shot in the back of his head in his car, but there was no weapons in the car, window rolled up all the way, no damage done to the windows, the doors were locked, and no one has come in or out of the car. how was he murder?

2006-07-24 08:00:28 · 24 answers · asked by B.Y.O.B!!(bring-your-our-beer!!) 3

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

2006-07-24 07:59:13 · 15 answers · asked by vwallwood 3