can anyone give?

Question

can anyone give?
can anyone give me a good joke or tell me anything funny. best one gets ten points

Answer 1

$$ Here's some Jokes 4 ya,$$

- What kind of cheese isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!
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- What do you call a smelly teletubby?
Stinky Winky!
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- Why did the witch put a watch at the end of her broom stick?
Cuz she wanted time to fly.
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- Doctor, Doctor !! My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
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- Why did the duck try to cross the road?
to show his girlfriend he had guts
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- the 7 dwarfs were in the tub feeling happy so happy got up and left!
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- Man comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed with cold cream on and wearing curlers. "Honey," the man announces, "this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."
The wife looks annoyed and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The man replies, "You old fool! I wasn't talking to you!"
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- A marine and a soldier were driving down the same road, both talking on a phone. They got into a terrible crash, and there cars were totaled, but none of them got hurt. The marine produced a bottle of alcohol and said:"Well, we're both to blame and we're okay, so why don't we drink this bottle of wine and bury the hatchet?" The soldier said okay, so the marine gave him the bottle and he drank half of it and offered it to the marine. The marine said:" I'll wait for the cops to show up first."
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How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food

Answer 2

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Answer 3

There was a rich man and a poor man who was very good friends and both their wedding anniversaries were on the same day. There met together the day before their anniversaries at a park to talk about what they got their wives. The poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife. The rich man said "I got her a diamond rind and a Mercedes" The poor man asked what he got her both for. The rich man said "if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can take it back, keep the Mercedes and still be happy." So then the rich man asked the poor man what he got his wife. the poor man said "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo" The rich man asked what he got her a pair of slippers and a dildo for. The poor man said "if she doesn't like the slippers, she can fo fu*k herself."

That's like the only joke I know.

Answer 4

I AM A PRINCESS

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

"Tray-up, Bxxxh."

Answer 5

Two Iranians meet in a Starbucks to talk over their terrorist attempts. The first guy starts talking to the other in English, when the second guy says "No, No, No we are in America now we have to blend in, speak Spanish!"

Answer 6

A guy walks in a pizza parlour and says

'Doctor I keep thinking I'm a moth.'

Replies the owner 'But this isn't the doctors'.

'Yes I know' says the guy 'But your light was on.'

Answer 7

Q. What is better than winning gold at the special olympics?


A. Walking

Answer 8

What is the #1 worldwide use of cowhide?



To cover up the cows.

Answer 9

your mommas puccy is so nasty and dirty it is something they will make u eat on fear factor
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,

"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
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... A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Answer 10

Why did the rubber fly across the room?


It was pissed off.