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Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

a guy goes into a bar and sits down. he puts a dog down on the stool beside him. the bartender comes over asks the guy about the dog. the guy asks the bartender if my dog orders the drinks will you give them to me for free. the bartender says alright and the dog says I'd like two beers. one for me and one for my friend. the bartender is astonished. he goes to get the beers and comes back and says thats amazing you have to show my buddy in the bar across the street. Here's 20 bucks will you go over there and order a drink. so the dog looks at the man and says I'll be right back and leaves the bar. the guy drinks the one beer while he talks to the bartender. then he starts to worry because the dog hasn't come back yet. so he goes out into the street and sees the dog with a pretty french poodle. he says rover what are you doing. I have never seen you do such a thing before. the dog says back I've never had 20 dollars before.

2006-07-31 17:35:52 · 5 answers · asked by Adam B 3

make me laugh get 10 points...clean, dirty, or whack, lol go for it

2006-07-31 17:23:04 · 19 answers · asked by Beckhams_wifie 2

2006-07-31 17:18:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a psychiatrist charged $100 a visit, how much would she charge a whale for 3 visits?

A kid riddle/joke

1st answer gets 10 pts

2006-07-31 17:06:22 · 14 answers · asked by demure_taurus 2

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

2006-07-31 17:01:55 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Gentleman's" club. One of my buddies wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks, again.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl dances over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Confused I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her a$$, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
My buddies haven't talked to me since!
Help!

2006-07-31 16:54:12 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

What's the definition of bravery?

(Be aware this is a joke.. If the answer is not given I will post it..) - 10 points to the correct answer, if not I will give to the closest.

2006-07-31 16:43:36 · 14 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

one sex has it and the other has none.

2006-07-31 16:38:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Math plays a slight part only.


How far can I run across a 50-ft street if I run 2 mph and tire out after an hour?

Whoever gets it right first gets the best answer.

2006-07-31 16:37:57 · 13 answers · asked by krackocloud 4

Body: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

2006-07-31 16:31:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and as
He is stumbling back and forth, a cop on the beat sees him and
Approaches
"Can I help you sir?", the officer asks politely.
Yessh! Ossifer, sssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Well, where was your car the last time you
Saw it?"
It wasss... On the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's "manhood"
Is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man,
Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch
And without missing a beat, blurts out.........

Oh my God ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!

2006-07-31 16:30:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you are in a round room with no doors windows or any way to get out only solid walls all arownd from the sky to the ground... how do you get out using a table & a mirror??

haha this one is tricky... but cleaver!

if you type 99 i will message you with the answer if you want it!!

2006-07-31 16:28:32 · 12 answers · asked by Bekka_tha_gymnast! 2

2006-07-31 16:26:48 · 17 answers · asked by dixycup 2

Everyone that gets off the rollercoaster at the local Six Flags gets a speeding ticket.

2006-07-31 16:15:15 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde competed in a long distance breast-stroke competition. The brunette arrived back at the finish line first, and took the blue ribbon, followed shortly by the redhead in second place. Hours later, the blonde finally struggled to the finish line, exhausted, hypothermic, and nearly drowned. The officials pulled her out, bundled her up in blankets, and gave her a cup of hot cocoa to warm her up. Finally, when she had regained her strength, they asked her what had happened. She replied, "you know, I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms".

2006-07-31 16:10:27 · 8 answers · asked by gonzo_fan2007 2

I am bored as hell house sitting for an old friend in a strange city. Help a brotha out

2006-07-31 16:09:45 · 15 answers · asked by I tell it like it is 1

my neice told me to ask this silly questions

2006-07-31 16:08:29 · 15 answers · asked by Heather 5

My neighbor was moving today and asked me if I could help.
I was happy to oblige and so I helped him out for a few hours.
When we were all done he walked up to me and said, "Timmy, you as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy ar$e."
I said, "excuse me? What do you mean?"
He said, "Oh nevermind! I have to get this stuff moved to my new place. Forget about it."
So he started up the truck and started waving good-bye. I quickly asked him for his new address and if I would be welcome to come visit him in a few weeks. He replied, "Timmy, you're about as welcome as a fart in a telephone booth. See ya later turd."

I started to think is a fart welcome really welcome in a telephone booth? Now I am confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market!
Do you think I can go visit him? Am I just being paranoid?
10 points to whomever gives me the best advice!

2006-07-31 16:06:02 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

Lets see if anyone can get this joke?
Where does a woman with big b00bs work?

Where does a woman with one leg work?

2006-07-31 15:59:09 · 10 answers · asked by crazyromo 3

2006-07-31 15:56:09 · 21 answers · asked by mafia man 3

0

Dear Friends,

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise
$5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to
put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room
for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D.C.
Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never
told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was
going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He
returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.

Thank you.
The George W. Bush Monument Committee


P.S. The Committee has so far raised $1.35

2006-07-31 15:55:10 · 6 answers · asked by GJ 5

I was trying to read yet another few lines of this story, but once again I couldn't make it! At least this time I didn't black out, but now I have spit everywhere.
Please read the following and tell me what it means. Thanks!


Theophiles Thistle, the successful thistle-sifter,
in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.

Now.....if Theophiles Thistle, the successful thistle-sifter,
in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb,
see that thou, in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

Success to the successful thistle-sifter!

2006-07-31 15:46:20 · 7 answers · asked by ? 6

what is greater than god?
more evil then the devil?
the poor have it, but the rich want it?
and if you eat it you will die?

2006-07-31 15:41:11 · 13 answers · asked by curiosity 2

What to not say to the nice policeman.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

2006-07-31 15:30:51 · 4 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

trying to stump the kids at my summer camp??

2006-07-31 15:11:55 · 10 answers · asked by yomomma 1

2006-07-31 14:56:47 · 26 answers · asked by doubleclick 2

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison. After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free.

what did the man say to the judge to set him free?

2006-07-31 14:53:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you hear.. BOING BOING .. What comes to mind?

I have no clue I am so bored.. lmao

2006-07-31 14:50:47 · 19 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

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