Give me a funny funny funny joke! Please I give you points!!!!! Give me a joke !?

Answer 1

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno




One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."






A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!





One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"






High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."






ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............





The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 2

1.-There was a blonde woman that needed some money so she went to the park where she saw a little boy. She then wrote a note saying "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow put $5000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the bench that’s next to the pine tree at the park." She taped the note to the kid and told him to go home to his mom and show her the note. Sure enough, the next day there was the brown paper bag under the bench, with all the money in it. Also in the bag was a note that said "HOW could you do this to a fellow blonde!?"


2.-Two blonds where in Oklahoma. One says, which is closer: the moon or Florida? The other says: heeeeellloooo? Can you SEE Florida?


3.-A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde get lost in the forest. They start walking around, and suddenly, they find a mirror. It has a reading on the top: say a lie in front of this mirror and you’ll disappear to a better world. So the brunette goes first. She says: “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on the Earth”, and she disappears. The redhead goes next: “I think I’m the most intelligent person on Earth”, and she vanishes. The blonde walks forward, and steps in front of the mirror. She starts talking: “I think…” and she vanishes.


4.-A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats".


5.- A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"

7.-What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
The last years hide-n-seek winner

8.- What did the blonde say when she looked in the Cheerio box?
Ah!, Look! Donut seeds!

9.- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead robed a bank, and the police is chasing them, so they go hide in a farm. The brunette hides with the sheep, the redhead with the pigs and the blonde on a sack of potatoes. When the police arrives they ask: "Is somebody there?". The brunette goes: "Heeee, Heeee", the redhead goes: "Oink, oink", and the blonde goes "Potatoes! Potatoes!"



10.- A rabbit is riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' The rabbit drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' Then suddenly there is a curve, the rabbit sees it too late. He crashes of the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky rabbit. Covered in blood and surely dying, the rabbit asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for twenty years' the man answers. The rabbit asks: Where are the brakes??

Blonde Shops For Curtains


>A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
> salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
>
> The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
> pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
> seems to have a hard time choosing.
>
> Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
> then asks what size curtains she needs.
>
> The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
>
> "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
> small - what room are they for?"
>
> The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
> are for her computer monitor.
>
> The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
> need curtains!"
>
> The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

Answer 3

WAL-MART Job Interview

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stackof resumes he found four people who were equally qualified - an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table.

Manager:"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Dave (American): "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A
thought is the fastest thing I know of."

Manager: "That's very good! And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

Vladimir (Russian) "Hmm.... let mesee. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I kn ow of."

Manager: "Excellent! The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

George (Australian): "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you
flip that switch, way outacross the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.

Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers serrr, et's obyus to me dat da pastest ting known is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "O I can expleyn serrr." said Eleuterio. "YOU SEE SERR, DA odderday I wasn't peeling so good and I ran soo past to da CR or batroom. But, bipor I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DA LIGHT, ay 'tang ina, I already had a poo-poo in my pants.

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

Answer 4

Warning this is really gross...but funny.

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!"
Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

Answer 5

Try Jokes!!
Quickies

Quickie #1

One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #6

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day , the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now........


Can cold water really clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Answer 6

There was a man who had an extraordinary problem,
that he had a very long pen-nis (say 50 cm),
and at that time since there were no plastic surgents,
he looked for some magicians.. but there were no cure for that kinda problem,and only one magician offered cure for that,
which was a frog..
the magician said "there is a magic frog near the golden fountain,
if u purpose marriage and if she answers "NO", your instrument will get shorter..."
the man goes to the golden fountain and finds the frog,
Man gets closer and says"would u marry me??"
frog stops a moment and says "NO!" #^^%Ss?é*
A miracle.. his ***** gets 10 cm shorter, man decides to ask for a 2nd time, and the frog answers "NO" #+%{])&^*
Another miracle...,man not believing his eyes, thinks "30 cms is good.but if it were 20cm, both ladies and I'd be happier" thus tries for a 3rd time.. and this time frog says " Oh,that is the problem with males.U never give up... I said NO,NO,NO!!!" +{'%&***
SHE kills the frog....

If u liked this one and want more jokes just mail me :)

Answer 7

ok there are these 2 redneck Bubba and Earl driving in there truck drinkin a couple of beers.then the passenger Bubba say lookie up a there Earl theres a rode stop.Earl says ok well pull that there label off of the beer bottle and stick it on ur 4head and ill do the same.so they put the labels on there heads and but the empties under the seat.when the got 2 the stop the police said you boys been drinkin 2night? earl said no sir pointing 2 the labels on there heads me and bubbas on the patch

Answer 8

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Answer 9

A blonde who is speeding is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks the woman, can I see your driver's license? The woman responds, "What is that?" The police officer says, "It's small and has your picture on it." The woman looks in her purse, finds her compact, opens it, and then hands it to the police officer and says, "Does this work?" The police officer opens it, looks, and then says, "I'm sorry, if I had known you were a police officer, I would not have pulled you over in the first place."

Answer 10

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of
the bottle."