Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

It was a hot day in Minnesota, Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold
beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied,


"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

2006-07-30 21:16:46 · 10 answers · asked by madyx524 2

So a duck walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and says Hey do you have any corn?The bartender says no and the duck leaves. Next day duck comes back and goes to the bartender and says do you have any corn?The bartender says no, if you ask again i'm going to nail you that wall!... the next day the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says do you have any nails?! the bartender confused says no...? and the duck goes oh. do you have any corn?!

haha told you it was corny.

2006-07-30 21:11:38 · 21 answers · asked by Katie K 2

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

2006-07-30 21:07:01 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

2006-07-30 21:00:29 · 28 answers · asked by bigbob33 3

There were 3 nuns at a church on a Friday night and the priest said" Go have your weekend but on sunday come back and we will discus your sins. On sunday they all returned and the first nun walks in. The priest says wat is your sin?? She says I kissed a guy and it wasn't my husband. So the priest looks up for about three minutes and says god forgives you drink the holy water. The second nun arives and the priest says what is your sin. she says i got laid the priest looks up for 11 minutes and looks down and says god forgives you drink the holy water. The third nun walks in cracking up all over the floor while the other nuns are drinking the holy water. The priest asks what r u laughing 4? The nun looks up and says I peed in the holy water...

What do u think of this joke???

2006-07-30 20:59:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

"and that was the second time i got crabs."

2006-07-30 20:59:18 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone hates Edward Nigma. One Sunday morning, he is found dead in his huge mansion. The Police question all the suspects.
His wife was sleeping in.
The butler was polishing the silver.
The cook was making brunch.
The maid was retrieving the mail.
The chauffeur was washing the car.
The nanny was watching the baby.

The police arrest one person.
WHO AND WHY?

2006-07-30 20:55:48 · 4 answers · asked by Loly T 1

there were 4 men stranded on an island. 1 man knew a way to get off of the island. He tells the men whoever can shove 10 fruits up their butt hole without making facial expressions or souns can leave the island with him. So the first man walks up with 10 oranges and starts. on the 5th one he cries. The 2nd man walks up with apples and at the 9 in a half one he laughs. The man who knew the escape plan asks why did you laugh you were almost there. The apple man says i couldn't resist the 3rd man came with 10 pineapples to shove up his butt hole......


What do u guys think. Tell me here.. HEHEHE.

2006-07-30 20:47:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was the first day of class and the professer was telling them about a paper due, he said it was worth half of their semester grade, and that there were only 2 reasons for accepting it late. he said the first was b/c of a death in the family and the scond was b/c of a severe illness. so the class clown said what if your sexually exhusted, the calss goes nuts. the professor froze, looked at him and said....."i guess you will have to learn to write with the ohter hand"

2006-07-30 20:43:02 · 11 answers · asked by bigbob33 3

One day a officer spotted 3 frogs at the park and asked if he could have a chat to them.First he spoke to the first frog.''Hi whats your name'' the officer asked ''my name is frog ''What were you doing at the park?''said the frog.''I was blowing bubbles''
Ok send in the next.Whats your name ?''My name is frog frog ''What were you doing at the park?I was blowing bubbles''
ok send in the next.Hi whats your name , let me guess frog frog frog.''No my names BUBBLES ''

LOLS rate it and tell me what you think lols

2006-07-30 20:35:19 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 3 frogs and a cop
the cop went up 2 the first frog and says wats ur nam ethe frog answers frog the cop replied wat ae you doing and frog sed blowing bubbles so the cop let him go.
then the cop went to the second frog and sed wat is your name the frog sed frogfrog the cop answerd wat are u doing forgfrog answerd blowing bubbles th cop let him off
then the cop went 2 the last frog and sed let me guess ur name is frogfrogfrog the frog replied no my name is bubbles..
do u get it lol it is sort of a dirty joke lol

2006-07-30 20:32:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

NEVER FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET THE BOTTLE IN THE TYPEWRITER---------
ACK ACK ACK-----

2006-07-30 20:24:48 · 5 answers · asked by yowhatup 2

Seriously, this boxer was trying to violate my girl and I just straight annihilated tha mutha***ka..

Why do they do that?

2006-07-30 20:20:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife responded, "The funeral director."

2006-07-30 20:19:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corn beef and cabbage.If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump too.The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get bologna once more, I'm jumping too.The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corn beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch,saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch,saw the bologna and jumped as well. At the funeral the Irishmans wife was weeping She said, If I'd known he hated corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!The Mexican's wife cried I could have given him tacos!if i'd haveknown. Everyone stared at the Blondeswife, she said don'tlook at me hepacks his own lunch

2006-07-30 20:08:34 · 24 answers · asked by Katie K 2

Anyone else think it is dumb that you have to be 21 (legal drinking age) to do the following
1) buy alcohol
2) buy a gun
hmm... good combo
and why do liqour stores have drive thru windows when u shouldnt drink and drive. and why do u show ur drivers license to prove ur 21 to buy alcohol when you shouldnt drink and drive...

2006-07-30 20:07:24 · 8 answers · asked by Ray 3

They be saying "Bloody this, Bloody that" all the time...

No violence please.

Preach.

2006-07-30 20:03:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

And HE created woman. And she was good. She had tow arms, two legs, and three breasts. And HE asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself, and she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked HIM what should be done with the useless boob. And HE created man.


bol!

2006-07-30 19:57:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man thought his wife was going deaf, so he came up behind her and said, " Can you hear me, sweetheart?" No reply. He came closer and said it again. No reply. He spoke right into her ear and said, "Can you hear me now, honey?"

His wife said, "For the third time, yes."


bol!

2006-07-30 19:43:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Texan surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a s s and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.

2006-07-30 19:26:58 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic
mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.



When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.



I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

2006-07-30 19:18:33 · 10 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Be frank...

2006-07-30 19:02:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK.. I havent been here to long.. But I answer anything I answer to my best and fullest with being as honest as possible.. I may even add a little joke and I am sorry if you dont like it! I do also do the joke section.. It doesnt have to be a question with the jokes.. ok? If you dont like.. find a door and walk out.. I dont care

HERE IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHANCE TO COMPLAIN TO ME.. GO AHEAD, FEEL FREE.. I DONT CARE.. Some of the crap I have seen here and some of you give me havoc.. give it a rest... I am not trying to be rude, just honest.. If you take me personally .. Bite me..

2006-07-30 18:57:00 · 6 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Previously, we had this riddle:

Why is a calculator so reliable?
A: Because you can always count on it! :)

Heheh. Ok. And today's riddle:

How do you make a piece of wood to be like a king?

Good luck :)

2006-07-30 18:55:32 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA .
A few days later he got this reply:


Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.


Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

2006-07-30 18:49:54 · 10 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

2006-07-30 18:45:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

DON'T MESS WITH MOM
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr.. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The 'Children's Bill of Rights. It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair. No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!

2006-07-30 18:37:34 · 7 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

for those who dont know..
some one once said any actor/actress can be linked to kevin bacon in some way.
So help me link Elvis to Kevin Bacon...
Elvis-daughter lisa marie presley-married nicholas cage..
help with the rest if u can.

2006-07-30 18:14:48 · 5 answers · asked by *Kali* 4

2006-07-30 18:12:41 · 22 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

does anyone know were I can get some good jokes

2006-07-30 17:53:44 · 8 answers · asked by trayvisy 1