Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

dear friends,you must read this?
How 2 live your life

A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him.When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your God. If your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car."

"The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls."

"The same goes for life."

"If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter."

"Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked."

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."

2006-07-31 08:13:41 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint: it's a math joke

2006-07-31 08:01:41 · 9 answers · asked by bugmagnent 2

-If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
-When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
-If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
-When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-Why do they put Braille on Drive-Up ATM machines?
-If a cat always lands on it's feet, and toast always lands butter side down, what happens when you tie a piece of toast to a cats back?
-Why is bra singular and panties plural?
-If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you
supposed to open it and use it?
-If Peanut Butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are
Girl Scout cookies made of?
-When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
-What was going through the mind of the first person ever to pull on a cow's udder?
-Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind? (Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?)
-If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

2006-07-31 07:58:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

some friends report my questions,is this fair

2006-07-31 07:55:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres this weird creature outside my room and its banging onthe door really hard and the door is breaking !what is going on! help!

2006-07-31 07:55:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-31 07:45:24 · 21 answers · asked by Boo Boo 4

2006-07-31 07:37:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone know any funny blonde or yo mamma jokes, i need a laugh......grade 9 is killing my sense of humour

2006-07-31 07:34:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-31 07:31:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know if this is a common/easy/stupid riddle, but I've always liked it.

What's greater than God
More evil than the devil
The rich need it
The poor have it
And if you eat it, you die?

2006-07-31 07:26:15 · 19 answers · asked by kid_at_heart 3

2006-07-31 07:18:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ther were 2 ladies & 1granny sitting together and having a nice chat........but they all hate each other so each one start to show off of what there grandpa found!
when the first lady said my great great great grandpa digged 3 feet and he found a wire,and that wire waz the wire 4 the telephone.

so the 2nd lady said well my great great great great grandpa digged 4 feet and he found the telephone wire 4 our whole country!

so the grandma says well me great great great great great grandpa digged 5 feet and found ............nothing!
(the 2 ladies said):and what does that suppose 2 mean?

the question is what did she replie them to get the 2 ladies on here nerves?

2006-07-31 07:07:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Go to google and type in french military victories hit i'm felling luck any watch what happens.

2006-07-31 07:06:34 · 11 answers · asked by CAPTAIN CONSERVATIVE 2

hello:
my name Is Holly. i Am a VEry ordinAry Cute girl Or u couLD also say i am very smart.i am also 13 and live in new york.

2006-07-31 07:05:51 · 23 answers · asked by michell w 2

This couple went out of state for a vacation. They came across a small town in middle-america. When they notice a small and narrow street named Market Ave. They strolled by and bought a few items, shoes, paintings, jewelry, exc exc. Then they came across this farmers fruit stand. The sign read "MAGIC FRUIT (fruit that doesnt taste like what it supposed to taste like)... So the woman said, "honey lets try it." "Ok" he replied. Man grabs a melon with a sign that reads "taste just like breast" He takes a bite and "Mmm, does taste like breast" "ok, let me try" women skeptically mumbles. She grabs a banana that has a sign that reads "taste just like d*ck" "Mmm, doesn taste like d*ck." "Ok, let me try one more" man says with enthusiasm. He then grabs a peach with a sign that reads "taste just like p*ssy." "This is gunna be good" he says. He takes a big bite and.. "EWWW this taste just like sh*t." man yells as he spits it out. Vendor replies... "Sir, i'm sorry but you have the Peach backwards

2006-07-31 06:57:35 · 8 answers · asked by dfksone 2

i can what about u?? if u cant find it then tell me

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99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999969999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999
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99999999999999999999999999999999999999
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99999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999

2006-07-31 06:56:43 · 22 answers · asked by Bosnian_chic_2012 2

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning.

2006-07-31 06:55:30 · 9 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Here's one: What does a Tornado and a Redneck divorce have in common?


Someones losing a trailer either way.

2006-07-31 06:55:27 · 4 answers · asked by CAPTAIN CONSERVATIVE 2

Exactly 3 lettered words

2006-07-31 06:52:49 · 32 answers · asked by helpaneed 7

whos funnier

2006-07-31 06:46:34 · 10 answers · asked by {k.a.i.l.e.y} 1

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter.

Then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

2006-07-31 06:45:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need to talk to you e-mail me at dominicanboy954

2006-07-31 06:45:22 · 2 answers · asked by JEFF HARDY #1 FAN 3

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to Franzz before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in Franzz!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

2006-07-31 06:45:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

guess, what it is?

2006-07-31 06:37:03 · 55 answers · asked by chon 1

Informed people want to know.

2006-07-31 06:34:51 · 3 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

smart for the 1st grade. My sister's in the 3rd and I'm smarter! The principal said he'd give the boy a test.
Principal: "What's 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
"What's6 x 6?"
"36."
Ms. Brooks, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Harry, "Legs."
"What's in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry replied: "Pockets."
"What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide,
"Bubble gum."
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands."
"What word starts with ''F ,ends in 'K' & means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher! , "Put Harry
in the 5th-grade, I got the last 7 questions wrong!

2006-07-31 06:23:05 · 12 answers · asked by elge13 3

Informed people want to know.

2006-07-31 06:13:27 · 9 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

Willys cynical thought for the day;

The only difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or freaking tell it!

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it works.
  
1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

8. See. You're smiling already.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-31 06:10:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You feel happy and sometimes you wake up and ask your self what the hell are you doing in this world.when you hear thing about crime, death, teenage pregnancy,diseases e.t.c.

2006-07-31 06:07:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, this question is the reverse! Give me the LAMEST joke you've ever heard, and the most lame will get 10 points. Why? Bored, I guess. But you have 2 points here, you gonna take it or not?

But please keep it clean, though.

2006-07-31 06:01:11 · 19 answers · asked by ATWolf 5