Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

but no nasty(sex) or racist jokes!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-31 14:22:22 · 15 answers · asked by Ciara 2

Ok... So there was a perfect man and a perfect woman, they became a perfect cuple, And obviously had a perfect wedding.
On December 24 this perfect couple has driving their perfect car and they so a man in the street whit a flat tire, As every perfect couple would do they got down from their perfect car and when to help the poor guy; It was Santa!!
As perfect as they were they decided to help because they couldn’t leave all the kids whit out their presents. So Santa got in the car whit all of his toys, and they gave out toys all around the world, unfortunately thy got on an accident, only one of them survived....
Who survived and why?

2006-07-31 14:07:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 -
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly........ com-for-da-bull

2006-07-31 14:02:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won't Admit:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5-year-child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional butt-whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White And Black People Know, But Hispanic People Won't Admit:

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Men don't wear hair nets.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not a substitute for car insurance.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths White And Hispanic People Know, But Black People Won't Admit:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be president.
7. Red is not a Kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

2006-07-31 13:55:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

2006-07-31 13:48:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Computer Guy: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?


The characters go to different places, depending on who you ask.

The Buddhist Explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher-order character.

The Mac user's Explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell too.

Stephen King's Explanation: Every time you hit the Delete key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian's Explanation: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast", "sex" and "contraception".

Dave Barry's Explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. \

IBM's Explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

Peta's Explanation: You've been deleting them?!? Can't you hear them screaming?!? Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you bastard!?!

2006-07-31 13:44:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over.

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouth, Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her t-w-a-t?"

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's t-w-a-t, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I see her run?"

2006-07-31 13:40:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2006-07-31 13:38:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

c'mon ya'll i want some good ones

2006-07-31 13:28:39 · 16 answers · asked by ayleyha 3

Driving to the office this morning on the I-81, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her faceup next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup !!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned 'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone and

DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-31 13:27:01 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "These curtains all look so big. What do you have that's smaller?"

The salesman assures her that they can custom make curtains in any size she needs, and asks how big an area she needs to drape.

"Fifteen inches wide, and 14 inches tall," the blonde replies.

"Only fifteen inches?" asks the confused salesman. "That is very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, ma'am, computers do not have curtains!"

"Hellllooooooooo!" the blonde says, impatient. "My computer is Windows!"

2006-07-31 13:18:29 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

Late one evening, a man and a his wife were driving their car at speed down a country road. The car spun of the road and hit a tree.

The man decided to seek help at a garage a few miles away.

He made sure nobody was in the car, rolled all the windows up, and locked all of the doors.

When he returned, his wife was dead, and there someone in the car he had never seen before.

No physical damage was done to the car, it was still locked?

How did the woman die?

Where did the stranger come from?

2006-07-31 13:06:08 · 10 answers · asked by MzChamillinator 5

Sabrina gave Samantha as many dollars as Samantha started out with.

Samantha then gave Sabrina back as much as Sabrina had left.

Sabrina then gave Samantha as back as many dollars as Samantha had left, which left Sabrina broke and gave Samantha a total of $80.00.

How much did Sabrina and Samantha have at the beginning of their exchange?

2006-07-31 13:01:05 · 11 answers · asked by MzChamillinator 5

What are the two longest words in the English language that can be typed on the left hand part of a keyboard?

2006-07-31 12:54:05 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

It's a big museum, lots of differant departments. What are you? Why? Where are you located? Be funny!

2006-07-31 12:49:29 · 9 answers · asked by Laurie 3

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispere d, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't fou nd anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her " KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?


SHE TURNED INTO THE

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old ... NOT DEAD !

2006-07-31 12:45:18 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

I know what my job is;
The point has been made.
You say I have a big head,
And, you're right, I'm afraid.
Put me in my place,
And then leave me alone,
What I need most,
Is someone to drive me home.

2006-07-31 12:33:59 · 28 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Okay im white and im driving down the road with my friends and i was like "Guys i am going to let you in on a big secret, Im actually a black man"

2006-07-31 12:31:55 · 49 answers · asked by popstar452003 2

0. Can you sing a song about a song that sings about singing songs?
a. None of the above
b. True and False
c. Okay
d. only songs about songs that talks about singing songs

1. What is your name?
a. who wants to know
b. none of your business
c. none of the above
d. two syllables and words in English

2. The correct answer is a?
a. wrong
b. correct
c. melon
d. sausage

3. What is the difference between up and down?
a. up
b. down
c. left
d. right
e. same difference
f. different similarities

4. If he and she do the work, can they make it work for him, her, or them?
a. Them
b. Her
c. Him
d. Final Answer

5. Can you drink the drink?
a. water the water
b. plant the plant
c. smell the smell
d. armpit the armpit

2006-07-31 12:22:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

2006-07-31 12:18:43 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is ???????

2006-07-31 12:16:20 · 26 answers · asked by ? 3

#1
a man was driving in a black alleyway, and was driving in a black car and there were no headlights and no lamps


The man saw a black cat with no eyes but the man stopped for her




how did he know the cat was there even though there were no lights?

#2
Forward I'm heavy, backward I'm not. What am I?

#3
Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's

2006-07-31 12:15:53 · 12 answers · asked by asdfjkl; 2

it scrammed the **** out of him and now i feel bad, it was in a pub and everyone laughed am i a bad person hehe

2006-07-31 12:06:17 · 16 answers · asked by william w 1

Take away his credit card. Not very funny. Come up with your own answer. 10 pts to the most original.

2006-07-31 12:00:46 · 18 answers · asked by Jenifer 3

Two Indians are standing on a corner. One of the Indians is the father of the other Indian's son. What is the relationship between the two Indians?

2006-07-31 11:50:01 · 10 answers · asked by susan999 3

my friend wrote this on his shirt with white out one day cuz he was bored and i think it is great!
" G_ F_CK Y_ _R S_LF!" and then beneath it, it said " Would you like to buy a vowel?" tell me what you think of what it says. remember, 10 pts to the coolest answer! HAVE FUN!

2006-07-31 11:49:14 · 9 answers · asked by Spielberg 2

What fastens two people; but touches only one?

2006-07-31 11:42:11 · 10 answers · asked by jfmm 7

someone tell me a funny joke about anything the funniest gets ten points:)

2006-07-31 11:33:19 · 11 answers · asked by blonde and beautiful 2

2006-07-31 11:33:05 · 5 answers · asked by susan999 3

2006-07-31 11:25:13 · 7 answers · asked by Landon 3