can someone tell me a funny joke? and earn 10 points?

Question

but no nasty(sex) or racist jokes!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

3 guys are traveling in the desert in Africa. They get lost and an African Tribe captures them.
They are broughten to the Chief. He says, "All of you each must go find one kind of fruit, and pick ten of them. Then come back or you will be killed." Unfortunatley, the men were pretty dumb, and instead of escaping the got the fruit. Man 1 picked 10 apples, Man 2 picked 10 grapes, and Man 3 wouldn't tell what he picked. When they returned, the Chief said, "Now you must shove all of the fruit, one by one, up your booty, without making any faces. Then you will be set free."
Man 1 began, after one he cried, and they killed him. Man 2 got to 9, but he laughed and was killed. While the 2 men were in heaven, talking, Man 1 asked, "Why did you laugh? You could have lived." "I laughed," Man 2 said, "because I say Man 3 bringing pineapples!"

NOTE: I DON'T believe blondes are stupid, but I tell jokes 4 fun.
3 Women were in federal prison, on execution. A brunette was to die first. The day came, and as the guard was raising his gun, he called out, "Ready, aim....." "Tsunami!" The brunette shouted. The guard looked around and she cleverly escaped. The redhead came next. "Ready............aim............ "Tornado!" shouted the redhead. The guard looked around and she escaped. The blonde came next. "Ready, aim........" "FIRE!" shouted the blonde. Guess what happened next.

10 blondes and a brunette were holding for dear life on to a rope tied to airplane. They knew if someone didn't jump soon, the rope would break and they'd fall and die. The brunette said she'd jump, and she gave a speech on how good she was and stuff. The blondes were so touched the clapped for her. Problem Solved!

Answer 2

2 guys were sitting in a bar on the top of the Sears building in Chicago. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know if you jump out the window, the wind is so strong it will carry you around the building and bring you right back here"? "No that is impossible, it can never happen". The guy says "I can prove it" and he gets up goes to the window and jumps out. A few seconds later he returns into the bar. The guy says "That is amazing I am going to give it a try". So he gets up and goes to the window and jumps out. All you hear is a scream as he travels to the ground. The bartender looks at the guy and say "Superman you are a real a...hole when you have been drinking".

Answer 3

Sorry no jokes, but do you want to earn 2 points?

Answer 4

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

'Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows'95.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'

'Well, what's the difference between the two?' Bill asks.

God says, 'I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.'

'Fine, but where should I go first?'

'I'll leave that up to you.'

'Okay, then,' says Bill. 'Let me try Hell first.'

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect.

He is very pleased. 'This is great!' he tells God. 'If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!'

'Fine,' says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. 'Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,' he tells God.

'Fine,' replies God. 'As you desire.'

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

'How's everything going?' he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?'

'Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER.

Answer 5

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed.On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elelphant travelling at the same speed as you.Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it! Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo! How do you get out of this highly dangerous situation???

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Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round!!!

Answer 6

A guy came into town on a horse. He got off his horse a wiped his lips on its butt. A shopkeeper came out of his store and asked "Why are you wiping your lips on your horses butt?" The guy said " I have chapped lips" Then the shopkeeper said " I didn't know horse poop helped chapped lips"
" No it just keeps you from licking them"

Oh I never get tired of this joke.

Answer 7

An Australian man walks into the hospital and walks up to the nurse's station.

The nurse asks him, "Did you come here to die?"

He says, "No, I came here yester-die."

One of my favorites. More on the dumb side, but so cute, and I just love people's faces when you get to the punchline.

Answer 8

One day, Jesus and Moses decide to play a round of golf at Augusta. On the fifth hole Jesus says to Moses, "Last Sunday I saw Tiger Woods land in this exact spot during the Masters. He knocked it in the hole from here." Moses says, "Maybe so, but you've got 50 yards of water in front of the green. You better lay up and chip across the pond." But Jesus says to him, "Well if Tiger Woods can do it, surely the Son of God can." So he takes a swing and, plop, the ball lands in the pond.

So Moses goes over, parts the water, picks up Jesus' ball and brings back to him. "Nice try," Moses says, "I won't count that one. Just lay up this time." Jesus is determine though and says, "I just used the wrong club. Tiger used an eight iron." So he tries again and lands in the pond again.

Moses goes out, parts the waters again and brings the ball back again. "Okay, that cost you a stroke. Lay up and lets move on." But Jesus is more determined than ever. "Tiger Woods played this hole three times before sinking that eagle. I'm trying it again." "Okay," Moses says, "But you'll have to get your own ball if you short it again." "Fine," Jesus says. He swings again and ends up in the drink yet again. So Jesus walks out across the pond and reaches down to get his ball.

Meanwhile, the foursome behind them come up to see what's taking so long. They see someone standing out on top of the pond. One of them says, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," Moses says, "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Answer 9

here's a funny joke:

i was packing for my business trip and my three yr old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. at one point she said," daddy look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said," daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat her fingers before rushing out of the room again.
when i returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devestated look on her face.
i said," whats wrong honey?"
she said," what happened to by booger?"

Answer 10

Britney Spears, shaggy (from scooby-doo), & hilary duff all meet in an alley, then someone passes gas. hilary says " I'm walkin away" , Shaggy says, "wasn't me!", britney says, "opps I did it again!" then the next day the same ppl meet at the same alley. Someone passes gas hilary says, "I'm walkin away" shaggy says "wasn't me!" britney says "stronger then yesterday!"