Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed!!!!

Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman...

"I'll give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

2006-07-31 01:37:11 · 10 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

2006-07-31 01:31:42 · 9 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

Once there is a king with a very beautiful wife.
She's so hot and horny that always looking for a way to find some other guys but could not due to the close watching eyes of the king.

Finally there is a war broke out and the king has to go away and fight the rebel. But he's very worried of his young lusty wife so he tried to find a way to catch whoever try to sleep with her. Then finally he got an idea and carried it out and off he goes to the war.

When he finally come back, he ask all the guys in palace to stand in line and said "As you all know by now, I've placed a special made blade inside my wife's you-know-where. And now i am gonna check all of u and who has a cut in his groin will be executed!"

SO there goes all the guys with the cut on his d@@k but the last one.So the king is very surprise and glad there is a faithful servant of his.. So he said "So tell me why u didnt take the chance?"

To that the guy answer but none of the words could come out clear with split tongue...

2006-07-31 01:13:25 · 19 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

Which day of the week does not end in the letter "y"?

2006-07-31 00:58:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg

are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

2006-07-31 00:56:39 · 27 answers · asked by Tweety 1

How could you rearrange the letters in the words

"new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one

correct answer.

2006-07-31 00:55:17 · 12 answers · asked by Tweety 1

hi,I'm a high school student in Japan.
In the future,I wanna be a English teacher,but I can speak English so well.
Please tell me the way to speak English.

2006-07-31 00:54:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a guy who lost in the middle of nowhere. But lucky enough that he found a nice house and ask for the owner to let him spend the night.
owner is a chinese and he has a very hot daughter. She wore very less clothes and the guy could not help but see the outline of her body and clear skin..
To that the old chinese man told him "Son, if you are gonna sleep with my daughter, u will get the Chinese Torture and it's worse than anyting u can imagine. So stay away from her"

So the guy had his dinner and went to bed.. but as he's trying to sleep, he ended up tossng and turning and.. finally "**** it!! whatever that Chinese torture is i am gonna screw her and she's worth it any way!!" so he found the daughter and had the wildest sex in his life and naturally he falls asleep.

The next morning he see the old man standing and holding a stone with a string attached. The old man said "There u go, this stone is attached to one of your testicles".
and with that he throw it thru window.

2006-07-31 00:47:21 · 14 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

Three missionaries were sent to a tribe in Africa but the chief was angry. "We do not like people trying to change our religion, i will give you a test and if you fail it I will kill you. Go into the jungle and bring back ten of one type of fruit." So the three of them went off into the jungle and the first came back with ten bananas. "Now," Said the cheif. "You must push all of the fruit up your bum without making a single sound or i will kill you." After about three bananas the man could not do it and was killed. The second came back with ten cherries and the cheif told him what he had to do. The man was very pleased that he had chosen such a small fruit but after 5 cherries he burst out laughing and was killed. The man went to heaven and met the first missionary there who asked him, "I thought you were going to do it then, why did you laugh?" And the second replied...

What did he say? If you guess right you get 10 points!

2006-07-31 00:39:28 · 16 answers · asked by pippiedooda 2

2006-07-31 00:30:42 · 17 answers · asked by kashyap2004 1

B U R B L

2006-07-31 00:24:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-31 00:24:18 · 18 answers · asked by siddharth t 1

It's more powerful than God
It's more evil than the Devil
The poor have it
The rich need it
If you eat it you will die
What am I ?

2006-07-31 00:04:21 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

When is a door not a door?

2006-07-30 23:56:19 · 16 answers · asked by Billy 4

thanks
^_^
^_^
^_^

2006-07-30 23:34:36 · 12 answers · asked by kevin! 5

juss kidding

2006-07-30 23:23:15 · 9 answers · asked by hector 4

2006-07-30 22:50:05 · 7 answers · asked by Mr Brightside 2

There's a guy alone in a hotel room at night and he is unable to sleep and keeps tossing and turning for a long time...then he suddenly has an idea and he makes a phone call to a number but does not talk, just listens for a few mins. He then hangs up and goes to sleep peacefully. Who did he call and how can he sleep now?

2006-07-30 22:46:08 · 17 answers · asked by Nisha 4

0006544150
0006547753

Where was I born?

2006-07-30 22:37:36 · 16 answers · asked by big_dave_x 4

This guy goes in to see an entertainments agent and says, Hi we have this speciality family act would you be interested, and the agent says, passibly, it depends, what do you do, describe your act, so the guy says well, it starts when I come on stage ....


Add the rest here. Each answer must be a different part of the act.

2006-07-30 22:32:25 · 7 answers · asked by kenhallonthenet 5

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are a-s-s-holes!”

He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an **********.”

2006-07-30 22:16:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

When called upon the first student says " The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says "Grass is definitely green".

The teacher again replies, " If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?".

The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion".

The student replies, "Then I definitely s-h-i-t my pants"

2006-07-30 22:13:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a beautiful ornate Bottle and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, And Hillary Clinton.

His p-e-n-i-s was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

2006-07-30 22:11:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

there walking though the woods.they hear some giggling coming from behind the tall brush. they both sneak up. and peek out the brush.theres these two beautiful girls skinny~dipping.one brother says WOW ! ! look at that one I would love to eat her the other brother shoots her :)

2006-07-30 21:59:43 · 9 answers · asked by BIG TUDY OG INLAND EMPIRE X3 2

On a passenger plane, after a long hour of flight, the pilot is quite tired.. So he talks to his co-pilot..

"Hewww what a day! i wish i could have a nice bl@wjob from one of the stewardess and drink a black coffe.."

but the problem is that the pilot forget to off the intercom and the whole plane could hear what's he saying and started grinning and laughing, until....

the stewardess, to remind the pilot from saying more embressing things, start running towards the pilot cabin...and there comes a voice

"Don't forget the black coffee"

2006-07-30 21:59:09 · 11 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

man gets lovebite on neck from secretary. worried he goes home where his dog jumps over him man shrieks "it bit my neck!" wife removes blouse "see what he diid to my boobs"

2006-07-30 21:45:13 · 12 answers · asked by preety 1

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.

Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?

Dermatologist: There's no more space.




"How was dance class today, Melinda?"

"Oh, it was great, Daddy. In fact, two boys got into a fight over dancing with me!" Melinda said

"Oh?" said her father, his interest piqued.

Melinda continued "Yes! First Richard told John, 'You dance with her,' then John told Richard, 'No, YOU dance with her!'"



A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"



One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."



A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom 'I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.' Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, 'Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.'

2006-07-30 21:40:26 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Knock some boots?

Mwuahhaha just playing with y'all.

Night Night Night..


Peace

2006-07-30 21:35:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

So theres three moms that get together for lunch (a blonde,a brunette, and a redhead) And they all start talking about their teenage daughters. The redhead goes I was going through my daughters room and i found her report card and it had all these bad grades on it, the brunette goes that's nothing. I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters purse!, the blonde mom goes oh no just wait, i found a condom in my daughters purse.. all the moms gasp. And the blonde goes. Yeah. I didn't know my daughter had a penis either!!!!

haha i love this joke. just thought i'd share. Oh and i'm a blonde, so don't be offended.!

2006-07-30 21:28:11 · 14 answers · asked by Katie K 2

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mineSex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own

2006-07-30 21:22:03 · 19 answers · asked by bigbob33 3