Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-07 18:25:40 · 10 answers · asked by -curbside- 4

What do you call the hole in your a s s ?

hint: the answer is there in the sentence.

2006-07-07 18:05:53 · 21 answers · asked by jong jong 2

A tall magnificient figure
older than you and I,
If you cut off the head
it will soon grow back...

2006-07-07 17:53:53 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-07 17:52:25 · 13 answers · asked by blondie94 2

I need help, help me know

2006-07-07 17:42:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-07 17:41:13 · 11 answers · asked by Fish Sauce 2

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

2006-07-07 17:31:31 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-07 17:08:13 · 7 answers · asked by sabrynarox 3

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

2006-07-07 17:08:07 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

1. by the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
2. patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
3. on the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it had completly dissappeared
4. she has had no shaking chills, but her husban states that she was very hate in bed last night
5. the patien has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
6. i will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious
7. patient was released to outpatient department without dressing
8. i have suggested he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he standswith the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor
9. the patient is terful and crying constantly. she also appears to be depressed
10. discharge status: alive without permission
11. the patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get mr blank to dispose of him
12. healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old female, menally alert but forgetful

2006-07-07 17:07:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

your in a room with no doors or windows and all that's in the room is a table and a mirror. How do u get out?

2006-07-07 17:05:10 · 13 answers · asked by Cloe B 1

A local business was looking for office
help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "Help Wanted.
Must be able to type, must be good with
a computer and must be bilingual. We
are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted
up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got
the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to
say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the
office. Inside, the dog jumped up on
the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to
type." The dog jumped down, went to
the typewriter and proceeded to type
out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped
back on the chair. The manager was
stunned, but then told the dog "the sign
says you have to be good with a
computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program,
that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize
that you are a very intelligent dog and
have some interesting abilities.
However, I *still* can't give you the
job." The dog jumped down and went to a
copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer. The manager said
"yes, but the sign *also* says that you
have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and
said "Meow".

2006-07-07 16:59:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me something cool the first person 2 gets the best answer

2006-07-07 16:56:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "Twenty-four years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter, to whom he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes SUV and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was wrong.

When they asked him he replied, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

2006-07-07 16:54:39 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

1 the boy scouts are saving aluminium cans bottles and other items to be recycled proceeds will be used to cripple children
2 the outreach commitie has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church
3 the pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next sunday morning
4 low self esteem group will meet thursday at 7pm please use the back door
5 ushers will eat latecomers
6 for those of you who have children and dont know it we have a nursery downstairs
7 reverend merriweather spoke briefly much to the delight of the congregation
8 the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "break forth into joy"
9 a songfest was hell at the methodist church wednsday
10 due to the rectors illness wednesdays healing service will disconinue until further notice
11 remember in prayer the many who are sick of our chuch and community

2006-07-07 16:51:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am named Morgothal's Forge and Helzog's Womb.
I veil Nordvig's Daughter and bring gray death,
And make the world anew with Helzog's Blood.
What be I?

Is this what I think it is?

2006-07-07 16:45:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A joke for the girls..

2006-07-07 16:44:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job.

2006-07-07 16:39:57 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-07 16:30:40 · 19 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

(1) There is a thing that nothing is, and yet it has a name; 'tis somtimes tall and somtimes short. It joins our talks, it joins our sport, and plays at every game. What is it?
(2) What can run but never walks,has a mouth but never talks , has a bed but never sleeps, has a head but never weaps?
(3) If you break me, I'll not stop working. If you can touch me, my work is done. If you lose me, you must find me with a ring soon after. What am I?

2006-07-07 16:20:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-07 16:17:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Even on the right track you'll get run over if you just freaking sit there!

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-07 16:15:18 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've heard allusions to this rhyme everywhere, but how does it go? No one ever finishes it after that initial line. It can't be that dirty can it?...

2006-07-07 16:09:56 · 6 answers · asked by Cee 1

I want to try to make and original joke. Does anyone have any tips to help make one?

2006-07-07 16:09:45 · 2 answers · asked by DiMooch 3

I will give you a hint... take the "F" out of "way"...

**first one to send right answer will be chosen as best answer =)

2006-07-07 16:09:02 · 10 answers · asked by ♥brittany 2

whats a ***** and an apple have in commen?they both look good hanging from a tree
whats black and yellow that makes you laugh?school bus load of ****** driving off a cliff.

2006-07-07 16:00:08 · 13 answers · asked by Desperado 5

I have a tail, and I have a head, but i have no body. I am NOT a snake. What am I?

2006-07-07 15:53:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill the rest of the sentence.

for ex. a crazy customer came to your register and scream at you for no reason.

2006-07-07 15:25:45 · 11 answers · asked by DivaStar 5

2006-07-07 15:12:29 · 4 answers · asked by remo_vr 1

check this out?

Could u resist laughing in such a situation?

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh

2006-07-07 15:04:37 · 8 answers · asked by remo_vr 1