ill give ten points to the person that tell me the funniest joke?

Answer 1

1st Time . . . . . . First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14 or so.
I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No".
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and pow,! I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Answer 2

Haven't seen very many question askers, who actually make sure that the funniest one actually get the ten points.

Sounds like a "Bait & Switch" sales pitch employed by used car salesmen..

You shouldn't just leave it up to the voters, to do something that you hinted that you would get done.

Rather dishonest to put out that attraction to get people to do your asking, and not following through on your part.




Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Answer 3

Here's a blond joke for you, blondie.

It was a hot summer day. A blond and her husband were in an argument. The husband was frustrated because he complained that blonds are stupid. He left to work that day and the blond was determined to prove to her lover that she was not the stupid blond he said she is.
They bought an old house when they got married so she wanted to show him that she could paint the house. She went to the hardware store, bought some paint, and returned home to paint the old house. When her husband drove up to the driveway, he saw his blond wife painting the house. She was wearing a ski jacket and a snowjacket and sweating like a dog. The husband looked at her and asked her what the hell she was doing.
She proudly responded as she pointed to the paint can, "For best results, put on two coats."

Answer 4

A lady goes into a pet store to buy a parrot, but there is only parrot in the store. The clerk says to the lady, "I don't think you want this one. He has a bit of a smart-mouth and I don't think he's really what you're looking for."

The lady says, "Don't you worry about his smart-mouth. I'll take care of it."

The clerk replies, "Ok, but you can't say that I didn't warn you."

The lady pays for the bird and takes him home. Upon arriving home, she takes the bird from a cage and sets him on a perch and says to the bird, "Now, if you smart off to me I'm going to put you in the freezer for 15 minutes. Do you understand?"

The bird replies, "Lady, you don't have the nerve to mess with me!"

The lady answers back, "Bird, that's your warning. Once more, and you're in the freezer."

The bird says, "Lady, I've done told you, you don't have the . . ."

SWOOOOSH!

The lady quickly snaps the bird by his neck and places him in the freezer for 15 minutes.

After the 15 minutes, she opens the freezer door, and asks the bird, "Now, are you ready to come out of that freezer and behave yourself?"

The bird - cold, shivering, and afraid - replies, "Y-y-y-yes M-m-m-ma'am, but may I ask a q-q-q-question first?"

The lady replies, "Why of course you may. What is your question?"

The bird turns his head to his left and asks, "What on earth did that chicken say?"

Ok, it may not be the funniest joke and it may not earn me 10 points, but you can tell that joke to any person, any age, any gender, any place, any time.

Answer 5

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track." "What sort of question would you ask Doctor?" "Well, you might ask them..." "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?" "I must confess I don't know much about history." (DOH!)



True Blonde Story
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.



Buying a bull
A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow..."



Who should go
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.


American and Russian blonde
There were 2 blondes, a Russian and an American blonde. "We went to outerspace first" said the russian blonde. "Well we went to the moon first" said the American blonde. "We are gonna be the first to go to the sun" said the russian. "How are you gonna do that?" said the american. "We have it all planned out. We are going at night time!"

Answer 6

Chuck Norris is the only man in history who has been allowed to have a child.
His child?
Vin Diesel.

Answer 7

A blonde girl had rushed to bobbyexpress because she had to get somthing to her mom but she didnt have any money.So the man at the shop tells her she can do him a favor and he'll help her....so they go to the back room and he pulls down his pants and says u noe wat to do.....so she grabs hes dick......puts it to her lips and screams MOMMY CAN U HEAR ME! lol

Answer 8

- i swated a female fly and a male fly today
-How did u tell?
-one was on the remote and the other was in the kitchen

Answer 9

How about a dumb one?

What does Snoop Dogg use to whiten his clothes?

A: Blea..otch!!!

Answer 10

a black man finds a genie,releases it,and offers to grant him three wishes.The man says fine,I want to be white,still be cool,and be able to see lots of butts.The genie says "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!" and POOF turns him into a toilet.