what are some good jokes??

Answer 1

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 2

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."
Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"
Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"
Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"
Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
Bartender throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

A man had a job to deliver 200 penguins to the zoo. While driving, his truck broke down and was desperate to find someone who can deliver the penguins for him. He flagged a truck driver and asked him if he can take the 200 penguins to the zoo. The truck driver promised to do so. About 2 hours later, the man fixed his truck and drove to the zoo to see if the truck driver delivered the 200 penguins. When he got there, he couldn't find any penguins. Worried and afraid that something might have happened to the penguins he began driving around trying to look for the truck driver. After driving for a while, he finally spotted the truck driver and the penguins walking on the street. The man was furious, got out of his truck and yelled at the truck driver, "I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!" The truck driver replied, "I did! Then I was just about to take them to the movies."

A man who thinks he has a serious illness goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor examines him and later comes back with the results. The doctor looks very unhappy and says to the patient, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you this, but you don't have much long to live." The patient couldn't believe it. "How long do I have?" he asked. The doctor replied, "10...". The patient became frustrated. "10? 10 what?! 10 months? 10 days?" "9..."

Answer 3

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

Answer 4

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Answer 5

you act really tired and when someone asks you why you`re so tired you say...I dreamed I was a muffler and woke up exhausted.

Answer 6

Why Blondes are dumb
After seeing a beautiful blond walking by a man says to himself, "God, why did you make blonde's so beautiful?"

To his surprise God responded, "So you would love them."

"But God", the man replied, "Why did you make blondes so dumb?"

God replies, "So they would love you."