Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

"Gambling Vacation"

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11," all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean ... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "Hit me light or hit me hard," and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The last guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an *** full of quarters."

From a joke website

2006-07-12 20:16:44 · 7 answers · asked by pureessence 2

At the YMCA one day, a really fat man got out of the shower and another guy saw him. The second guy said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are fat!"

The first guy said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big."

The second guy asked, "Man, how long has it been since you've seen your dick?"

The first guy says, "Looong time, man."

The second guy asks, "Well, why don't you diet?"

The first guy asks, "Why? What color is it now?"

From a joke website

2006-07-12 20:15:09 · 6 answers · asked by pureessence 2

Married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is driving. His wife says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a better lover than you."
Again husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." Husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
Husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
Husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
Husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbags."

2006-07-12 20:11:46 · 10 answers · asked by pureessence 2

Three Joes and three Jills enter a bar with 6 seats. At least 2 Joes sits next to a Jill.

One of the Jills goes to the bathroom and bangs a male bartender. Another Jill goes to the bathroom and bangs a female bartender. The female bartender comes back and sits where the Jill she banged was sitting. A Joe gets up to bang a Jill in the bathroom, and the Jill who banged the male bartender returns and takes the seat of Joe.

When Jill returns, there is no seat, so she asks a Joe to get up. Joe takes the seat of the female bartender who returns to work. Jill sits where Joe was sitting.

The female bartender returns and sits where a Jill was sitting. Jill sits on the lap of the Joe to the right of her. The male bartender comes and sits where a Jill was sitting, and Jill sits on the lap of a Joe to the left of her. The male bartender's name is Jill and the female bartender's name is Joe.

At this point in time, how many Joes are sitting directly next to a Jill?

2006-07-12 20:01:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the man to jail. The next day the man went before a judge. The judge asked "Where do you work?" The man replied "Here and there." The judge then asked "What do you do for a living?" The man replied "This and that" Finally the judge ordered for him to be taken away. Suddenly the man asks "Hey when do I get out of jail?" The judge replied with a smile on his face "Sooner or later."

This just goes to show that you should never mess with a judge. hehehehe check ya later ♥

2006-07-12 19:58:20 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

.

Theres an american, a german, and a mexican.
they were walking in the woods.
suddenly a heard of buffalo came at them.
they ran and ran and ran till they came to a shed and went in it.
2 days later the buffalo left.
themn got out and only to find layer of crap everywhere.
they were forced to jump in because there wasn't any way out.
the German took a leap and said, "its not that bad its only up to my waist."
The American took a leap and said, its not bad, its only to my knees.

The mexican took a leap...and said, "its not that bad its only to my ankles.."

AMERICAN: how did you manage that?

MEXICAN: "heh, i jumped in head first..."

2006-07-12 19:56:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-12 19:55:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sproule cutters.

2006-07-12 19:53:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman goes into a barber shop and gets a hair cut when he goes to pay the barber says "no no it's on the house consider it a reward for your good services to our community". THe next day tas the barber opens his shop he finds a dozen donuts on his doorstep. That day he cuts a firemans hair and tells the fireman it's free for all the wonder work he does. The next day as the barber opens his shop he finds a dozen red roses on his doorstep. That day he gives a mexican gardner a free haircut and says "it's for helping to keep the lawns in the neighborhood looking so nice." The next day as he comes to his shop he finds 25 mexicans lined up outside his shop. When he asks what they are doing they say they are there for their free haircut.

2006-07-12 19:40:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so from when i was in like 2nd grade there was a hand game thing that was like dissing sum1. it went like "brick wall, water fall girl u think u got it all, you don't, i do, so poof wit ur attituted" then like "peace punch captian cruch..." wats the whole thing. I don't need the hand gestures.
THANK YOU!

2006-07-12 19:34:35 · 5 answers · asked by Just like Marie Antoinette 2

Becuase they can't get thier heads in the jar.

2006-07-12 19:30:20 · 11 answers · asked by status quo 2

of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...DIRECTRA: a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents. COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

2006-07-12 19:29:18 · 3 answers · asked by tjandjess 3

Last time we saw this riddle:

Where can you always find diamonds?
A: In a deck of card!

Hehe... obviously an easier riddle since more people got it right :) Ok, time to try today's riddle:

What do you call a hen taking a long hot bath?

Have fun!

2006-07-12 19:28:37 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

2006-07-12 19:24:53 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who cares ???

Let the bitchh do the dishes in the dark !

10 pts for reply with best joke

2006-07-12 19:16:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

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An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

2006-07-12 19:09:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

How come a calendar is never lonely?

Because it has a lot of dates!

2006-07-12 19:05:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why does a Mexican eat Tomales for Christmas?
so they have something to unwrap.....

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence" The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

What are the first 3 words in the mexican national anthem?

attention K-mart shoppers...

2006-07-12 19:04:17 · 4 answers · asked by T[]-[]E Wiggles 1

My first is in pop, but not in mom
My second is in power, but not in water
My third is in allot, but not in allow
My fourth is in ruler, but not in meter
My last is in person, but not in company
My whole is the true riddle you have uncovered,
Now say my name with the information you have discovered.

2006-07-12 18:59:34 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-12 18:58:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

he wakes up, showers, and takes the elevator from his apartment to the lobby where he gets his car and goes to work....When he comes back from work he takes the elevator to the 10th floor and then proceeds to walk the rest of the way up the satirs to his apartament on the 20th story. Why does he do this???

2006-07-12 18:51:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love 'em! The more, the better, y'all!

2006-07-12 18:42:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is the joke:

"A lawyer and doctor walk into a bar. The lawyer orders a martini, and the doctor orders a scotch and soda. The bartender comes back and says 'I bet one of you is a lawyer or doctor'

They ask 'how did you know?'

The bartender says, 'well, a lawyer always orders the most expensive drink, and a doctor...well, a doctor knows that if you are sane and in pain, then there is no gain on drinking on the main.'"

So is this a good joke to tell on a date?

2006-07-12 18:40:59 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

If electicity come from electrons then does mortality come from morons??

2006-07-12 18:38:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer had a large pond in his farm, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One day he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in the pond.He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of them shouted "We're not coming out until you leave!"
He replied, "I didn't came here to watch you ladies swim or naked but just to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill!

2006-07-12 18:29:12 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-07-12 18:22:16 · 9 answers · asked by Jennifer 3

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

2006-07-12 18:18:08 · 8 answers · asked by joegossum 4

I do ... it entertains me to think the are pissed off and confused people reading my answers everywhere

2006-07-12 18:08:44 · 30 answers · asked by NICE 1

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

2006-07-12 18:01:31 · 53 answers · asked by xen 1

2006-07-12 17:56:38 · 10 answers · asked by slider1566 2