Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

WIFE: If I died, would you get married again?
HSBND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HSBND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HSBND: Okay, I will.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on face).
HSBND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HSBND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HSBND: Where else would?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HSBND: Probably, it is new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HSBND: That seems like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HSBND: NO, she's left-handed.
WIFE: -- silence --
HSBND: Sh*t.

2006-07-12 17:53:26 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

I am looking for something funny or cute...that is or can be used as a cover sheet for faxing -- preferably something I can use in the office.

2006-07-12 17:39:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The best joke gets 10 points (plus 2 points for submitting it!) If it isn't a joke and you just submit something for two points, I will report you! Don't worry; being a good person has nothing for you to lose!

2006-07-12 17:33:06 · 16 answers · asked by cheese sticks 4

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze/

2006-07-12 17:32:38 · 15 answers · asked by joegossum 4

2006-07-12 17:29:32 · 7 answers · asked by Jewell 3

Q:Which one cleans it?
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
A: Neither.....thats Women's work

2006-07-12 17:26:44 · 6 answers · asked by POR-FRY-CHICKEN 3

If you find a person who channels spirits of the dead and smiles all the time; have you found a happy medium. (Rimshot)

2006-07-12 17:09:56 · 8 answers · asked by Teal_Guillemot 1

ANY jokes are ok...I wont be offended in anyway...I just wanna smile.

2006-07-12 17:06:48 · 18 answers · asked by ♥NICOLE♥ 4

During a propaganda tour, president Bush visits a school to explain
his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby
stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids
leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask
questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5
questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

2006-07-12 17:05:37 · 14 answers · asked by -curbside- 4

Is anybody willing to put a smile on this sad lady's face? I reallly don't care what type of joke.

2006-07-12 17:04:39 · 5 answers · asked by got2hav_faith20 2

Does England have a July 4th?

2006-07-12 16:55:07 · 11 answers · asked by eeyorea1 2

2006-07-12 16:51:05 · 5 answers · asked by teresita 2

2006-07-12 16:46:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

so i tied a not in my pecker-dong
how do i get not out

2006-07-12 16:43:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Getting Flowers


A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2006-07-12 16:43:49 · 24 answers · asked by lashawn0676 3

1. it is more fun to comlain about them
2. guys who actually like you arent challenging or exciting
3. when you date nice guys, they turn into losers anyway, so why not save time and go for the loser in the first place?
4. you wont get as emotionally attached to a loser, so youll be in more control
5. all the other women want them, so they must be worth having
6. affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesnt normslly give it
7. they are garanteed to cheat on you, so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills instead
8. there is no needto feel guilty for abusing or deciving them
9. losers will actually tell you when they dont like what youre doing instead of getting mad about it six months later
10. you are looking for someone you cant trust, and wont care about to much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you dont know any lawyers

2006-07-12 16:35:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you do please tell me.the best one will get ten points.

2006-07-12 16:10:47 · 31 answers · asked by brownigirl29745 2

7 frigid=a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often then he does or who requires more foreplay than ripping her jeans off
8 indifference=a womens feelings towards a man which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get
9 interesting=a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking
10 irritating habit=what the endearing little qualities that initially attract 2 people to each other turn into a few months together
11. law of relatively=how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unnatractive your own date is
12 love at first sight=what occurs when 2 extremly horny but not entirely choosy people meet
13 nag=a mans term for a women who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse
14 nymphomaniac=a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often then he does
15 prude=a term used to describe a women who wants to stay a virgin until married

2006-07-12 15:59:22 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone have a website where something/someone pops up and like scares you?? Wether it be a maze and then something scares you((ive done something like that before)) or anything else...idc. I really wanna scare my friends with one but i cant find one online. ive been searching though!! so if you can give me the link to something like that i would be soo happy!! the one that scares me the best will get the ten points!!

2006-07-12 15:59:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

you feel your way aROUND the ROOM you discover there is something in the corner as you try and try it is hopeless you need this thing to get ot the room only problem is you can't find it why?

2006-07-12 15:57:11 · 9 answers · asked by ~~~*39nholdin*~~ 2

2006-07-12 15:52:29 · 14 answers · asked by omnigomni 3

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VsLAw0t0d3g&search=computer%20bug

Here this is real funny.

2006-07-12 15:42:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

not long ones!!

2006-07-12 15:36:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
he asked, "What's your hurry, darlin'?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," I told him, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot anal openig?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

2006-07-12 15:36:09 · 13 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

2006-07-12 15:32:17 · 7 answers · asked by Rajesh K 2

2006-07-12 15:30:24 · 5 answers · asked by D3vilz_advocate 3

What Am I?

I am long & sharp
When I'm used to kill... it's not a mistake
I am made of the same material as paper...
I am most likely used when all of the moon is there...

What Am I?

HINT: The answer lies inside a word I used...

2006-07-12 15:23:10 · 15 answers · asked by mani boo/poo 2

Note to Answers; all the 'bad words' bad to you namby pamby california types were edited out!

Willys cynical thought for the day,

This sign will be posted wherever I work: "We don't discriminate against crazy people, but if you're stupid you're on your freaking own!"

A couple times a year you go on a "non-bender."

Before you go out each night you consult a psychic hotline to determine which bartenders will be pouring strong.

Peeling the label off a beer bottle arouses you.

You feel a tinge of pride when someone refers to you as a "shameless alcoholic."

You've discovered that teaching your dog to shoplift from liquor stores was not nearly as hard as teaching him to distinguish between Grey Goose and McCormick's.

You were against going to war with Iraq until you found out those poor freakers aren't allowed to drink.

You conduct weekly "assisted short-term flight" experiments every weekend. With the help of various bouncers.

You're regularly mobbed by autograph hungry alley winos.

You were the first person in line at the flu clinic because you heard they were giving away free shots.

You like tequila with a lime - or dirt, or a hamster or whatever, so long as there's tequila involved.

You come home sober and your dog bites you.

The cafeteria in the detox center has a sandwich named after you.

You can't recognize your best friend unless he's leaning against a bar. With a drink in his hand. Drunk.

You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.

You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.

You take swim trunks to brewery tours.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-12 15:07:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-12 14:58:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-12 14:52:25 · 21 answers · asked by ? 6