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Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

If you go down to the woods today

Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of this tree."

"You've gotta be kidding."

"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, this is really stupid, but..., okay .." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!"

2006-07-13 03:12:46 · 12 answers · asked by danielle c 1

Special Day




I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

2006-07-13 03:12:29 · 12 answers · asked by texasgirl5454312 6

2

Are my testicles black?

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

2006-07-13 03:09:11 · 22 answers · asked by danielle c 1

why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Have fun

2006-07-13 03:01:51 · 20 answers · asked by xxxx 2

2006-07-13 02:57:22 · 41 answers · asked by rsk200517 1

2006-07-13 02:56:50 · 9 answers · asked by JBWPLGCSE 5

have you ever tried sneezing with your eyes open?

2006-07-13 02:46:43 · 27 answers · asked by danielle c 1

2006-07-13 02:33:40 · 12 answers · asked by smarty_pants 3

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you.It is a real tragedy.
So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that........

Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

2006-07-13 02:14:32 · 12 answers · asked by -curbside- 4

an irish man walks into a bar. the bartender looks at him and notices he has a steerig wheel stuck down the front of his pants. he says whats with the steering wheel down ur pants. "ach" the irsih man says, "its drivin' me nuts."

2006-07-13 01:53:19 · 12 answers · asked by heawaits12 1

2006-07-13 01:43:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-13 01:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by miracles 1

2006-07-13 01:34:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-13 01:34:27 · 8 answers · asked by miracles 1

2006-07-13 01:27:11 · 5 answers · asked by teddy 1

AND IT HAS GOT TO BE ORIGINAL!!!!

2006-07-13 01:23:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'm going away on holiday next week," Julia says, "but I put this puzzle together a few weeks ago to keep you occupied while I'm gone. In fact, the solution to the puzzle is the actual destination of my holiday!"

And she shows you a scrap of paper with this written on it:

170: 251 - 121 + 441 - 340 + 130 - 113 + 409 - 253 + 130 - 181 + 297 - 149 + 081 - 088 + 467 - 059 + 306 - 229 + 345 - 351 + 117 - 047 + 353 - 216 + 401 - 147

Where will Julia be going next week?

2006-07-13 01:21:46 · 8 answers · asked by Scha 3

a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

first one to get..10 points

2006-07-13 01:19:35 · 5 answers · asked by RabbitHellFoxHeaven 2

2006-07-13 01:11:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

(Make it simple cuz I'm only First Year HS....)?Pls. help, I've got a big exam tomorrow...My teacher said something about Anatomy, Botany, and Math... He also said something about filipino scientists, DOH, DOE, adn DOST... He stopped teaching us about it cuz he got pissed off in the middle of the lesson... lol...

2006-07-13 01:02:38 · 3 answers · asked by xXanythingbutinnocentXx 2

2006-07-13 00:58:26 · 16 answers · asked by police 6

2006-07-13 00:36:21 · 27 answers · asked by methi s 1

2006-07-13 00:25:06 · 31 answers · asked by WENDY c 1

My eyes are dim I cannot see. Do you think theres something ironicaly wrong with me?
:)

2006-07-13 00:24:05 · 7 answers · asked by Purplgirl 5

in a pink universe in a pink galaxy in a pink solar system,amond the 9 pink planets,in a pink planet,in a pink continent,in a pink country,in a pink state,in a pink pink street,in a pink house,lived a pink lady wit a pink *****. one night there was a heavy pink rain. and a pink man knocked on the pink lady's pink door.he asked her if he could stay there 4 a night.the pink lady said yes.and so the man said pink madam please wake me up at 5:00 and give me pink tea.
and so did the pink lady the next morning.the next pink nite also the same thing happened but the pink man asked for coffee.and the next pink nite also the same thing happened and the man asked for pink coffee.so wat do u understand from this pink story?

2006-07-13 00:18:55 · 25 answers · asked by ash 1

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