Can you tell me a joke?

Question

The best joke gets 10 points (plus 2 points for submitting it!) If it isn't a joke and you just submit something for two points, I will report you! Don't worry; being a good person has nothing for you to lose!

Answer 1

okay, so there's this high security 4 story building. on the 1st story, there's a guy who's gonna graduate from college soon. on the 2nd story, there's a couple who r getting married soon. on the 3rd story, there lives a blind man.
on the 4th, story is a middle-aged woman (around 40). so one day, she is taking a nice, long bath after a hard day at work. she's onlybeen in for a minute or 2, and she hears the dorrbell ring. so she puts on a toeal and goes 2 answer the door. it's the guy from the 1st story saying that he just graduated. so the woman goes back 2 her bath. just as she starts relaxing again, she hears the doorbell ring again. she mutters a bit under her breath, puts on a towel, and answers the door. it's the couple, saying that they just got married. the woman gives a few words og congrats and goes back 2 her bath. about 5 min. later, she hears the doorbell ring. she knows it must b the blind man, because no one can get in without all the residents being notified. so she doesn't put on a towel and goes 2 answer the door. the blind man declares "I got my vision back!"..............

Answer 2

Great Truths from Small Children

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask Why until you understand.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
Crawling still gets you there.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water.
You can't be everyone's best friend.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
All libraries smell the same.
Say grace.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
Ask where things come from.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.

Answer 3

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules. The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine
of $180. Are there any questions?
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, How much for a
season pass?

Answer 4

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 5

One day a wife who was tired of being abused by her husband went to the pet store to get a protective pet. You're in luck the shopkeeper said.
We have the perfect protective pet here.As he said that, he pulled out the ugliest colorful bird that she ever saw.
What the heck is that ??She exclaimed.
It is a waga-waga bird, he said. Let me demonstrate, may I borrow your purse.
Yes.
Thank you. Okay, waga-waga that purse! The ugly bird strutted over and completely destroyed the purse. All that was left were shreds.
I'll take it! she exclaimed. She got home and put the bird in the living room. Her husband got home, beat her, and then saw the bird.What the heck is that ugly thing! the husband yelled.
That's my waga-waga bird, she replied.
Waga-waga my balls!!

he he he......




A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"



Student: Can I use the bathroom?

Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.

Student: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Where's the P?

Student: Its running down my leg!



A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high
up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the
boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,
Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for
three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of
the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny,
Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment
is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an
burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to
see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Answer 6

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, It just waved! What did Cinderella wear to the beach instead of glass slippers? Give up? Glass flippers! Those are my daughter and my favorite ones! Hope you enjoyed!

Answer 7

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Answer 8

Two muffins were sitting inside an oven.
One muffin says to the other "Dude, it's freakin hot in here"
The other muffin says "Holy Cow, I didn't know muffins can talk!"

Answer 9

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger ******* his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Answer 10

so a guy walks into a bar.... he says ouch

thanks for 2 points!