Got any good redneck jokes?

Question

I love 'em! The more, the better, y'all!

Answer 1

you know your a redneck when you have a gun rack on your bicycle.

What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey! Watch this...

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

Answer 2

REDNECK JOKES
No offense.. it pays to have a good sense of humor..

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the
husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to
10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You Might be a Redneck if !!!!

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
*************************
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally
involved.
********************
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
****************************
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
*********************
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****************************
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
********************************
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
************************
What is a Redneck's defense in court?
"Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
********************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
************************
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
********************
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two -- one to eat, and one to watch for cars.
*****************
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Source:
http://members.tripod.com/moonbeamcanada/Jokes/id25.htm


Enjoy!

Answer 3

you might be a redneck if youve ever mowed your lawn and found a car...

you might be a redneck if you got one mobile home and 3 card that arnt...

a word from the redneck dictionary- mayonays as in at a party we looked at all the guests and said 'mayonays a lotta people here tonight'

you might be a redneck if your wifes hair ever got caught in a celing fan

you might be a redneck if youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame...

you might be a redneck if youve ever used duct tape to wrap a present...

YMBARIf youve ever used kudzu on a family crest...

want more? mabye later

Answer 4

Not a true redneck joke, but close enough for government work.

Southern Astrology Signs

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them.
If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners
understand: See the list below...

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Tough on the outside but tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence.
Older Okras can look back over life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds.
A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning.
In dealing with Chitlins, be careful, they may surprise you.
They can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.
You love to stay busy and tend to work too much.
No one in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
You always have a big smile and are happy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.
You are a rare breed.
Most folks love to watch you work and play.
You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes, Collards, should stay away from Crawfish.
It just won't work.
Avoid a big heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You Catfish are never easy people to understand.
You run fast.
You work and play hard.
Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel though, so you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Answer 5

I have a "You might be a redneck if.." if that's acceptable. Here goes:

You might be a redneck if you spend more on illegal fireworks than your house is worth.

Answer 6

Yea there was this city fella, who came up on the deck of my trailer, and he said "Hey! you must be a red neck!" and then he got blown away with a shotgun. Sherriff Bubba wrote it up as self defense. Pretty funny huh?

Answer 7

a skinny reneck with a college degree...now thats a joke