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Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

...Redemption Society?

2006-07-14 00:01:50 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know the answer to this riddle...any chance you guys might? It's my first time hearing this riddle.Thanks :)

A horse is tied to a five meter rope in front of an old saloon. Six meters behind the horse is a bale of hay. Without breaking his rope, the horse is able to eat the hay whenever he chooses. How is this possible?

2006-07-13 23:49:09 · 9 answers · asked by Unknown Darkness™ 7

2006-07-13 23:28:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a joke.

2006-07-13 23:23:10 · 7 answers · asked by anitababy.brainwash 6

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,"NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,had sex with whomever she pleased... did whatever the hell she wanted,never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself. She watched chick flicks, never football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

THE END

2006-07-13 23:17:23 · 11 answers · asked by Yoruba 3

i liked the second one personally...

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"
The others laugh. Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothin', my wife's dumber than that! She went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered."
They all laughed and laughed. He went on, "Why nobody around here has plumbing!"
The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman’s got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"

2006-07-13 23:14:09 · 7 answers · asked by pureessence 2

Two brothers sell pens at different prices. One sells it at the rate
>of 2 pens at $5 and the other at the rate of 3 pens at $5. If each one
>of them sells 30 pens, find their total income. (Ans. $125). Wait!!!
>That’s not the end of question. Once, one of the brothers fell sick and
>so, the other one sold the 60 pens at the rate of 5 pens at $10 (2 pens
>@ $5 + 3 pens @ $5). Find the income of that day (Ans. $120). Where did
>the $5 go ?

2006-07-13 22:49:19 · 7 answers · asked by abhishek g 2

A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!'
The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your dick on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway.
The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....!"
The doctor just says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

2006-07-13 22:44:56 · 10 answers · asked by pureessence 2

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his Ex-accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is
the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3
million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I
can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the
accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant,
"Wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!,
the money is hidden in a brown suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says, Go to hell, you don't have the guts
to pull the trigger."

2006-07-13 22:38:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

And there goes another 5 points.

2006-07-13 22:22:35 · 18 answers · asked by shortgirl 3

One day a mother duck and her ducklings were crossing a street when all of a sudden, the mother duck got ran over and died. The baby ducks were horrified. That same day, a mother skunk and her babies were walking down the street and the mother skunk got killed in the same way. The baby skunks were sad and helpless. The baby ducks saw what happened to their mother went over to them. One of the baby skunks cried, "Our mother died before she got to tell us what we were!" One of the baby ducks cried, "We don't know what we are either. Our mother just died before she got to tell us, too."

2006-07-13 22:20:47 · 11 answers · asked by pureessence 2

> Be ye Republican or Democrat:
>
> THE CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008
>
>
> Here we are already discussing the future President of the
United
> States in the Year 2008.
>
> For those of you who would like a choice for President, we
have
> a solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. One
choice
> is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems.
>
> PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment...
>
>
> MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!
>
>
>
> Very eloquently put...........don't you think?
>
> Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the
car.
> I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
>
> Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It
gives me
> an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

2006-07-13 21:59:23 · 4 answers · asked by The Shadow Wolf 2

2006-07-13 21:39:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joe's vs. the X-Men. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible." Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

2006-07-13 21:24:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-13 21:22:29 · 12 answers · asked by Rajesh j 1

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report
cards:

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

2006-07-13 21:08:27 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
you know the batteries are dead?
19.Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in
front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

2006-07-13 21:07:53 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the
friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her
where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister,
Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the
night with her sister Shirley!"

2006-07-13 21:02:16 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-13 20:58:54 · 13 answers · asked by kaku 2040 1

2006-07-13 20:50:53 · 7 answers · asked by kamlesh 1

2006-07-13 20:47:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

humouros

2006-07-13 20:43:38 · 16 answers · asked by sumanth 1

the new barmaid at my local didnt know what innuendo was so i waited till she finished her shift and "gave her one".

2006-07-13 20:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by gordon-21up 2

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2006-07-13 20:34:02 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

0

2006-07-13 20:31:44 · 32 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

Help cheer me up :)

2006-07-13 20:19:11 · 12 answers · asked by Jen 3

2006-07-13 20:07:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not 999

2006-07-13 19:59:21 · 14 answers · asked by Avvi 1

2006-07-13 19:48:27 · 6 answers · asked by rcpass 2

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