Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

i am in a bad mood one of my loved ones is leaving me as in my friend he is coming back but i willmiss him so help and make me laugh!

2006-07-14 04:00:29 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich guy is sitting at a restourant,
he sees a hot lady (big boobs and all
that good stuff) sitting by herself.
He sends her a bottle of wine and
she tells the waiter, if he wants to
get in my pants hes gotta have a
Benz, a million $$, and a 6inch penis.
The waiter goes back to the guy
and tells him wat she said, the guys
says i got a Benz and a million $$
but there is no lady in this world that
is gonna make me cut 3 inches of my penis.
get it get it get it lol
;)

2006-07-14 03:50:54 · 17 answers · asked by IA 2

2006-07-14 03:29:01 · 5 answers · asked by Merrily 1

2006-07-14 03:26:09 · 11 answers · asked by just another answerless person 2

Toilet Paper( It wiped out millions last year)

2006-07-14 03:20:52 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is firm but soft, shows emotion but doesn't exist to the ones that hurt you. first righ answer gets 10 points.

2006-07-14 03:18:08 · 10 answers · asked by Smile =]™ 4

Any topic, I want to hear my ribs split.

2006-07-14 03:14:27 · 22 answers · asked by Torbster 2

Personally I find ranch very sexy.

2006-07-14 03:08:21 · 10 answers · asked by Golgo-13 2

Whoever gives me the funnest clean joke get 10 points and you get 2 points for answering.

2006-07-14 02:55:39 · 28 answers · asked by victoriaelaine2004 3

Steven Speilberg is auditioning actors for his new movie about classical composers in an action packed film.

He has invited Steven Segal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stalone and Arnold Shwartzenegger.

He asks Segal, 'what composer would you like to be?' Segal replies "I am partial to the works of Mozart."

He asks Van Damme, "who would you like to be?" Van Damme replies 'Beethoven is my favourite"

"How about you Sly" Stalone replies " Strauss is what does it for me"

Speilberg looks to Arnie, 'and you" ..Arnold replies with his thick Austrian accent " I'll be Bach!"

:)

2006-07-14 02:52:23 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Az$ Whuppin

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your as$ kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a$s.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your as$.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's as$ whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an as$ kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your as$.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of the fact we will kick your as$.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a$s.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a$s.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$s.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your as$ on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your as$.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your as$ all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your as$ just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a$$.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your azz.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-14 02:50:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 02:49:01 · 7 answers · asked by fly_your_flag_high 5

A Mississippi blonde gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.

Daisy Mae: Ok

Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up

Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-14 02:15:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, they walk among us, too.
====================

2006-07-14 02:14:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 02:14:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

like to make a cluub and all

2006-07-14 02:09:31 · 6 answers · asked by jllmmjj 2

winner gets best answer
good luck

2006-07-14 02:03:57 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

come on! make us laugh!

2006-07-14 01:38:56 · 13 answers · asked by My Big Bear Ron 6

There are two people playing three games of tic tac toe. They both win the same amount of games. yet there are no ties??? can you get the answer. First person with answer, 10 points.

2006-07-14 01:30:45 · 30 answers · asked by jaysboobie 3

give out as whacky ones as possible

2006-07-14 01:12:13 · 15 answers · asked by Matt 2

can some one give me the right ending and an alternative ending to roses are red violets are blue please

2006-07-14 01:07:34 · 12 answers · asked by chaopred 3

There were three friends.
One MUTE, one BLIND and one DEAF
BLIND has a girlfriend
Oneday, DEAF went out with BLIND girlfriend and MUTE saw it
How does MUTE go about telling BLIND what he saw without the help of other people.

2006-07-14 01:04:23 · 9 answers · asked by anonymous 1

2006-07-14 01:04:17 · 13 answers · asked by flying l 1

2006-07-14 00:58:40 · 12 answers · asked by thestudoftheworld 2

because he got his ribs. he got his cornbread hole. and he got his
old-e urine.

2006-07-14 00:57:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 00:33:09 · 9 answers · asked by Fatty fellow 1

i usually use , i cant stop i'm just out to give blood.

2006-07-14 00:25:14 · 41 answers · asked by mrs_tom_chaplin 1

What is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it you'll die?

2006-07-14 00:21:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 00:15:33 · 8 answers · asked by nastyboy 1

I have a medical ailment. What do you think it is? if you guess right you get 10 points!
A clue: it's not quite dangerous & it's common.

2006-07-14 00:15:18 · 26 answers · asked by giggsmania 3