Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-14 09:03:30 · 10 answers · asked by Pissed off Sasquatch 4

2006-07-14 09:03:13 · 8 answers · asked by Wayjon 2

1st to win

Riddle:

You are standing by a river with a 5-gallon jug and a 3-gallon jug, but you need exactly 4 gallons of water. Using only the 2 jugs you have, how can you measure out 4 gallons

2006-07-14 09:00:10 · 13 answers · asked by WTF !!!!!!! 4

Give me some ur mama jokes other jokes are also welcomed

2006-07-14 08:53:44 · 30 answers · asked by asiab b 2

Remember, stick to the instruction below, there we go!

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10.
What is the total?

2006-07-14 08:48:57 · 52 answers · asked by Diezel 4

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

2006-07-14 08:42:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 08:40:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i always heard what goes up MUST come down, yet it's NOT true.

2006-07-14 08:36:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2006-07-14 08:34:46 · 11 answers · asked by WTF !!!!!!! 4

7 kinds of sex
________________________________________
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".


The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


The 6th kind is called: Religious Sex: This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


OOPS... Don't forget the 7th kind of sex: Social Security Sex: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

2006-07-14 08:34:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

letter

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate


reply

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother -in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support



reply

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNig htOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Signed,

Desperate

2006-07-14 08:32:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill bets Craig $100 that he can predict the score of the hockey game before it starts. Craig agrees, but loses the bet. Why did Craig lose the bet?

2006-07-14 08:30:53 · 23 answers · asked by WTF !!!!!!! 4

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the garden.

8. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

13. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

2006-07-14 08:26:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

when asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten
kids
got the answer, compared to 17% of
Stanford
University seniors.


What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?

2006-07-14 08:25:49 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

cuz they havent figured out how to get 8 cups of water in the tiny kool-aid packet

2006-07-14 08:24:53 · 59 answers · asked by abc123 2

be the first to get this and win

2006-07-14 08:21:48 · 25 answers · asked by WTF !!!!!!! 4

(we call it A T L because it's easy to spell)

2006-07-14 08:13:26 · 3 answers · asked by Roger C 2

Riddle....

President Clinton is listed as our 41st president, but only 40 men have held the office. Why ?

first to guess gets it

2006-07-14 08:11:25 · 6 answers · asked by WTF !!!!!!! 4

I don't want to order a box of this stuff and have no use for the leftovers.
Do you have any suggestions?

"In the animal kingdom, urine is the original "wireless" communication network. It warns of danger, helps animals locate a mate and marks an animal's territory. Now it can help you to train your dog or cat to "go" where you want it to go! No, more messy yards or burnt, urine stained lawns!"

I lifted the quote from the following page.
http://www.predatorpee.com/newpredatorpee2003.html

2006-07-14 07:55:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

.



a black person with pimples....or acne?





a crunch bar..

----------no offense----------- only a joke

2006-07-14 07:49:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What can I say.....I'm absessed with dragons.

2006-07-14 07:39:18 · 19 answers · asked by supersonic_dragonrider 1

> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although

> his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one

> day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange
> a divorce for him - very quick."
>
> The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
on

> the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
> LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
> POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
>
> LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
> POLE: "It made of concrete."
>
> LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
> POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
>
> LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
> POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
>
> LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
> POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
>
> LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"
> POLE: "No, I always up before her."
>
> LAWYER: "Is your wife a ******?"
> POLE: "No, she white."
>
> LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
> POLE: "She going to kill me."
>
> LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
> POLE: "I got proof."
>
> LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
> POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put

> on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
>

2006-07-14 07:33:24 · 18 answers · asked by Kezia 2

2006-07-14 07:30:49 · 3 answers · asked by naseem h 1

An attractive wife was having a discussion with her much older husband about everything at their house that needed to be repaired,but money was really tight.Her husband said he'd take care of everything by early Spring.Spring came and went.Nothing was fixed.Fed up,his wife called the electrician to fix the dishwasher and the roofer to fix the shingles. She bartered their pay and off they went. She walked to the kitchen and forgotten that she had called the plumber!She broke down in tears and told him she was all out of money and asked him what she owed him.The repairman said, I know money is tight right now, so you can either sleep with me or bake me a cake. Her husband comes home a little later on and checks out all the repairs.He asked his attractive wife what the repairs had cost.She told him she got a good deal and what the plumber had said.He laughs and shakes his head and says, so what kind of cake did you bake him?The wife replied, do I look like Betty freakin' Crocker to you?

2006-07-14 07:29:33 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

and why you think so

2006-07-14 07:28:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"if you do what you've always done you will get what you've always gotten"

2006-07-14 07:09:08 · 6 answers · asked by LaLo 3

i gave you three doors choose the right door

door no 1

door no 2

door no 3

2006-07-14 06:50:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

And it has gone very very wrong.

2006-07-14 06:49:44 · 15 answers · asked by Midnight Dynamo 3

1st person with correct answer gets 10 points!!! Good Luck!!

2006-07-14 06:44:28 · 7 answers · asked by amygirl9333 3

This would be a picture
A buisnesswoman and a baby are either side of a desk:
Buisness woman says "Would you like to invest any shares?"
Baby Says "Woo can share my toys if woo like!"

2006-07-14 06:44:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous