Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Two old friends are having coffee when the first, blonde, woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive," says her blonde friend "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his d*ck!" The blonde says, "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his d*ck!"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-14 15:56:01 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Frosted Flakes

2006-07-14 15:53:40 · 3 answers · asked by Little Wifey 5

yo mama's so stupid she tripped over da cordless phone

2006-07-14 15:47:04 · 9 answers · asked by jordy45689 2

More blades of grass or gallons of water in the world?
More Grains of sand or drops of water in the world?
More blades of grass or grains of sand?

Lets see the opinions!

2006-07-14 15:47:03 · 6 answers · asked by John 2

2006-07-14 15:40:34 · 7 answers · asked by KatzPlace 6

What is between a blond and a brunette??
















































































































A Bellybutton

2006-07-14 15:38:57 · 18 answers · asked by Little Wifey 5

2006-07-14 15:38:13 · 6 answers · asked by KatzPlace 6

why was E.T.'s eyes open so big?
b/c he seen the --phone-- bill

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

2006-07-14 15:31:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the ********, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

2006-07-14 15:26:53 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Can you Muslims please get along with the Israels?
Can you Jews please love the Muslims?
Can we all stop hating each other?
There's a planet called Earth that'll soon blow up if we don't learn to love.
My brother Sam who's part english and part jewish might be killed.
My sister Katie who is part black, part middle eastern might end up dead too.
But if you muslims and jews really opened your eyes you'd realize that it's your brothers and sisters that you're killing.
You're not killing the Zionists you crazy muslims.
And you're not killing terrorists you crazy Israelians,
You're murdering your own family!!
And here I am, a damn Chinky chink, here I am watching all of you kill each other!
Stop it my brothers and sisters.
Stop it because I love everyone of you like you're my blood, like I've known you all my life.
And I'd like to meet each and everyone of you before you're all dead.
Really.
Swear to God, Allah, Yaweh, Buddha, or whomever you worship it doesn't matter!
You're my brotha!

2006-07-14 15:26:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what question should i ask next???

2006-07-14 15:16:35 · 10 answers · asked by SJK 5

2006-07-14 15:12:56 · 23 answers · asked by specal k 5

A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes.
The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''

2006-07-14 14:58:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

2006-07-14 14:46:08 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 14:41:58 · 8 answers · asked by bedarnd 2

Nine beers.

2006-07-14 14:30:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-14 14:28:02 · 23 answers · asked by Ray RayA 1

2006-07-14 14:18:58 · 6 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-07-14 14:10:54 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sit here quietly and watch the sunset,
Thinking of someone that I’ve never met,
I wonder does he think of me too,
Needless to say I am thinking of you.
Wanting to hold you, to see your face,
To take you away to a better place,
You feel so right, too good to be true,
I just can’t stop thinking of you.
My friends say that I might regret,
Losing my heart to a boy I’ve not met,
I say there is nothing I can do,
I cannot help thinking of you.
I believe you were made special for me,
But wonder if that could possibly be,
I’m tired of being so alone and blue,
But I always smile when I’m thinking of you,

Its night or day?
That’s moon or sun?
Well, any way,
I have to run,
I see the tears,
Don’t cry my eyes,
I feel my fears,
I have to go,
I know it now,
Let’s end this show,
Just tell me, how?

2006-07-14 14:04:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

mickey mouse was in devorse court and the judge told him he could not devours mini on ground of mental illness
mickey said "i didnt say she was insane i said she was f***ing gooffy

ps is there such thing as cracker jokes i am white and never hear one

2006-07-14 13:59:48 · 3 answers · asked by specal k 5

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

2006-07-14 13:57:31 · 12 answers · asked by stone cold 4

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

2006-07-14 13:54:08 · 6 answers · asked by stone cold 4

What's got two legs and bleeds??


A. Half a dog!!

I think it's funny in a sick and twisted kinda way but am I the only one?

2006-07-14 13:49:32 · 20 answers · asked by honky550 3

2006-07-14 13:49:25 · 5 answers · asked by LoVeLy 3

There is a man pushing a car around London, sometimes he is giving money away and sometimes he is collecting money. What's he doing ?

2006-07-14 13:38:44 · 10 answers · asked by Cyber Bob 2

2006-07-14 13:37:29 · 17 answers · asked by dopeysaurus 5

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it

2006-07-14 13:35:53 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't care how long it is. FUNNY!

2006-07-14 13:33:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i heard a quote the other day "never play leap-frog with a unicorn" i think it's a great idea for a sport.

2006-07-14 13:32:00 · 4 answers · asked by crazygreeniis 3