Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-14 22:07:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man attends a funeral and meets the love of his life there. He gets her phone number, but loses it, and doesn't have her last name to look it up or get her info from 411. He runs into the sister of the deceased from the funeral at the grocery store a week later. He follows her home and kills her. Why did he do it?

If you can answer this, please list how you know, if you've heard it before, or if you figured it out yourself. For your sake, I hope you don't figure it out yourself. I'll explain why when I close this question.
I wish all bad luck, as you aren't supposed to get this.

2006-07-14 21:34:22 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

Whoever is the first one to make me smile or laugh, ill make it as a best answer.

2006-07-14 21:17:46 · 26 answers · asked by rallemagne_17 2

anybody can ?????

2006-07-14 21:11:35 · 12 answers · asked by Farad 2

There are three words in the english vocabulary that end with gry..Hungry and Angry! What is the thrid one? * Hint * You use it every day...

2006-07-14 21:07:48 · 22 answers · asked by Stunna 25 2

....and what do you think it means?

2006-07-14 21:06:02 · 5 answers · asked by ghostguff 2

> A husband takes his wife to play her first game of
> golf.
>
> Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
> right through the window of the biggest house adjacent
> to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
> we'll haveapologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
> to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and
> knocked on the door.
>
> A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened
> the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
> all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
> lying on its side near the broken window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
> people that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
> husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
> you. You see, I'm a g enie, and I've been trapped in
> that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
> released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
> Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
> keep the last one for myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
> moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a
> year for! the rest of my life."
>
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
> least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy
> life!"
>
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
> asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
> servants in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes
> will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural
> disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
> wish, genie?"
>
> " Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
> haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand
> years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,
> you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
> houses. What do you think?"
>
> She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, "You
> know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
> guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
>
> "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the
> woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
> afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
> insatiable.
>
> After about three hours of non-stop fun,
> the genie rolled over and looked directly into
> her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
> husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
> "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
> believe in genies?"

2006-07-14 21:03:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 ... which one is it?

2006-07-14 21:00:01 · 11 answers · asked by sub.lihhjj 2

2006-07-14 20:57:59 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't tell them to anyone but family, (I'm not crazy!) but they crack me up. : )

2006-07-14 20:39:22 · 11 answers · asked by Mary* 5

2006-07-14 20:39:20 · 5 answers · asked by lisa s 2

2006-07-14 20:19:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you put the first 2 letters of the name to the end you get another word for bird. Tell me the name of the boy and the other word for bird?

2006-07-14 20:17:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.pappywishbone.com/Pappys-Nastygram/

LOL

2006-07-14 19:59:36 · 9 answers · asked by blinky472 2

YOU ARE AN INTERNET ADDICT WHEN...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your
parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to
when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time
you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you
can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind
you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links,
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you
check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor
the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for
2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have
a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard
and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come
to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling
your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace
the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone
line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back"
button.

2006-07-14 19:48:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What do you call when salt and pepper says hi to each other?
A: Seasons greetings!

Hahaha.... I thought that was great! Hehe. Ok, and today's riddle:

When a magician bumps into a girl he thinks he recognize, what does he ask her?

Good luck! :)

2006-07-14 19:30:08 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Row row row your boat

2006-07-14 19:27:35 · 4 answers · asked by RabbitHellFoxHeaven 2

2006-07-14 19:22:36 · 6 answers · asked by bravomikeee 1

the more you tell the better your chances......

2006-07-14 18:53:34 · 32 answers · asked by love_anything_south 2

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

2006-07-14 18:44:09 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

funny stuff.. http://www.pappywishbone.com

2006-07-14 18:40:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

opens the door screaming mommy mommy help someone is after me,mommy got sceared an asked who who i see no one,boy look's and says mommy there he is ,mommy says thats no one thats only your, sharow

2006-07-14 18:33:09 · 8 answers · asked by what is the good word? 4

The stunning blonde coed was stunned herself
when the biology professor asked her, "What
part of the human anatomy enlarges to about
ten times its normal size during periods of
emotion or excitement?"

"I... I refuse to answer that question," the
girl stammered as she shyly avoided looking
at her classmates

Sitting nearby. One of them was called upon next,
and he correctly answered, "The pupil of the eye."

"Miss Rogers," said the professor, "your refusal
to answer my question makes three things evident.
First, you didn't study last night's assignment.
Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I'm
afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous
disappointment for you!"

2006-07-14 18:18:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

unscramble this you cheaters ha ha ha ha

2006-07-14 18:17:25 · 7 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

no black jokes that s just rude!

2006-07-14 18:15:12 · 8 answers · asked by burnt bob 4

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit church members. At one
house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the
pastor's message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was
naked; and I hid myself.}

2006-07-14 18:14:45 · 32 answers · asked by Pd 6

eg: Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's."

I need a few more, the best one gets 10 points

2006-07-14 18:13:51 · 20 answers · asked by coolguy 1

2006-07-14 18:10:21 · 4 answers · asked by Robsthings 5

2006-07-14 18:09:21 · 8 answers · asked by mike 2

"I'm going away on holiday next week," Bob says, "but I put this puzzle together a few weeks ago to keep you occupied while I'm gone. In fact, the solution to the puzzle is the actual destination of my holiday!"

And he shows you a scrap of paper with this written on it:

170: 251 - 121 + 441 - 340 + 130 - 113 + 409 - 253 + 130 - 181 + 297 - 149 + 081 - 088 + 467 - 059 + 306 - 229 + 345 - 351 + 117 - 047 + 353 - 216 + 401 - 147

Where will bob be going next week?

2006-07-14 18:08:17 · 7 answers · asked by barrybaritone 1