Make me laugh I'll give you ten points?

Question

the more you tell the better your chances......

Answer 1

This is a new work ethic that seems to work
from a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18 +11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!
2+21+12+1 2+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top

Answer 2

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Answer 3

This Drunk guy goes into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives him one, but then tells him he can't have any more as he is really really drunk. The drunk guys gets up and stumbles out the door, around the corner and into the side door. The drunk guy asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him "No", because he is too drunk. The drunk guy stumbles out the front door and around to the side door, where he stumbles back in. He asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him " I already told you that you've had to much, go home and sleep it off" The drunk guy blearily squints at the bartender and asks "how many places you workin tonight??"


This guy is at a party on the 20th floor of a building. He watches a guy walk up to the bar, ask for a drink and yell "Man that was good" the guy then goes to the window, jumps out and flies around the building. When he gets back he goes to the bar, get another drink of the same kind, and repeats the process. The first guy is thinking "wow that must be some drink", so he goes to the bar and asks for one. He goes to the window and jumps out, and falls 20 stories to his death. The bartender who saw him jump tells the other guy, "Superman, I wish you wouldn't do that"

Whats long and hard and full of seamen?? A submarine, get your mind out of the gutter.

Answer 4

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse's, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

Pastor's *** Shows
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won!
The local paper read:
Pastor's *** Out Front
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read:
Bishop Scratches Pastor's ***
The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day:
Nun Has Best *** in Town
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
Nun Sells *** For $10.00
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
Nun Announces Her *** Is Wild and Free
The bishop was buried the next day.

Answer 5

Why Do Elephants Paint There Testicals Red?

So They Can Hide In Cherry Trees.


What Is The Loudest Sound In All Of Africa?

Hunters Eating Cherrys.

Answer 6

They say you are what you eat... that poor Vietnamese family.

You think Vice P. Cheney might be the only person that is visible from space.


One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Answer 7

What was the worst gift Helen Keller ever got? A paint by number set.

What was the worst gift given in the Keller home? Helens first paint by number picture.

What did helens parents do to punish her? rearranged the furniture and put doorknobs all down the hall.

Why did helen masturbate with one hand? so she could moan with the other.

Why could no one find helen when she fell down the well? Because no one can hear sign language.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other? Hey! We DO taste like chicken.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? from a plastic surgury flyer

How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex? too much mace

Answer 8

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Answer 9

Southern Astrology Signs

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them.
If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners
understand: See the list below...

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Tough on the outside but tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence.
Older Okras can look back over life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds.
A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning.
In dealing with Chitlins, be careful, they may surprise you.
They can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.
You love to stay busy and tend to work too much.
No one in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
You always have a big smile and are happy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.
You are a rare breed.
Most folks love to watch you work and play.
You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes, Collards, should stay away from Crawfish.
It just won't work.
Avoid a big heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You Catfish are never easy people to understand.
You run fast.
You work and play hard.
Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel though, so you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Answer 10

A) Best pick up line: "I might not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

B) Three nuns walked into a bar, you would have thought one of them would have ducked"