Ways To Avoid A Good Southern A$s Whuppin (I'm from NY BTW)?

Question

Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Az$ Whuppin

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your as$ kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a$s.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your as$.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's as$ whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an as$ kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your as$.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of the fact we will kick your as$.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a$s.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a$s.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$s.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your as$ on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your as$.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your as$ all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your as$ just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a$$.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your azz.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

From; WILLYS JOKES 6/1/05 Five Reasons to Love Motorcycles The BEST online jokes If I do say so myself! Hell, I'm only one saying it...

Answer 1

How to know you know you're Not a New Yorker.
What I miss about the good ol South.
Taking your wife on a cruise means a trip to Walmart.
You have an Elvis Jello mold.
Your wifes new hairdo got stuck in a ceiling fan.
You won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
You have to decide which pet to have for Thanksgiving dinner.
You don't ask for a coke, you order a colddrank, preferably, sweettea.
Your idea of entertainment is a six pack and a bugzapper.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines". Or, "Play Ball".
Kissed your own wife at a New Years party.
Got a letter of recommendation from a tobacco company.
Paid for a six pack with pennies.
Farted in public and blamed your cousin.
Have a cousin named Lloyd junior.
You show these jokes to your family and they don't get them!!!
You played banjo in High school band.
The strongest smell in your house is propane.
You can't visit a relative without gettin mud in your tires.
Your momma doesn't put on shoes to go to the grocery store.

Answer 2

Those are pretty funny, good wording..

Here's a joke that will definately get your asskicked in the south.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

Answer 3

I LOVE THIS!!!! I laughed at each one of these. My b/f lives in Illinois& I tell him all the time that we Southerners do not mind that backwoods, stupid rep we have b/c it keeps our South "pure" and protected from the Damn Yankees. I live in B'ham, Al and am PROUD to be a Southerner.

"American by birth, Southern by the grace of God".

Answer 4

Was raised and still in FL and I put sugar on my grits...:-) By the way, It's soda in FL but I've also heard it called coke too. I really liked that and thank you for the laugh

Answer 5

Well Willy, these people think they are from the south....Ha...I am really from the south....the dirty south and that rings soo true thanks for the laugh carefull who ya say that to 'cuz I know some guys that would be more then happy to put ya in one of those pine boxes....lmfaooooooooo

Answer 6

Nice

Answer 7

I would say that if you're from NY and dont like it here in the south then take your a$$ back to NY with all the other haters!

Answer 8

That was very funny. I'm from South Carolina and every one was true and eloquently written. Thanks for the laugh.

Answer 9

I HATE THAT. I'LL COKE THING PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M DUMB BECAUSE I POINT TO SPRITE AND SAY COKE I HATE IT I LIKE THE WAY U LOOK AT IT OH SO TRUE.

Answer 10

Thanks Willie, but being from the south myself, we just dont beat your as$, we kick the sh!t right out of ya,