Who knows a really good joke?

Question

Any topic, I want to hear my ribs split.

Answer 1

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp it said “Wy”. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a “Wy” on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said no mine says “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!!!”



A little boy and his father are at the zoo when the little boy sees two lions having sex.
"What are the lions doing?" He asks his father.
"Baking a cake."
Later that afternoon, the little boy and his mom are walking in the park, and they see two dogs having sex.
"What are the doggies doing?" He asks.
"Baking a cake."
That night, the boy catches his parents having sex downstairs on the couch. He says nothing, and goes back to bed. In the morning, during breakfast, the little boy looks at his parents and says,
"I know what you were doing last night, you were baking a cake. And when you were finished, I licked the icing up off the couch!"


An old couple celebrate their 60th anniversary and a week later the husband drops dead. One enquiring mourner at the funeral asks the wife how the husband died, to which she replied "Well, when my husband was alive we used to make love every Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells. In with the dings and out with the dongs"
To which the mourner replies "Well, I mean no offence, but you are both old,no wonder that killed him" The old woman snaps back at him, "What are you talking about! If that ice-cream van hadn't gone past he'd still be with us now!"


Little Johnny was always cursing at school. One day the teacher asked the class, " Can someone tell me something that starts with the letter A? Little Johnny pipes up"Asshole". She scolds Johnny and asks" The letter B? Johnny sticks his hand up and says" Bastard". The teacher repeats the question all the way to the letter R, of course not allowing Johnny to answer. At R Johnny jumps up again, raises his hand. The teacher hesitates, trying to think of swear words beginning with the letter R and finally gives up. OK, Johnny she says, go ahead. Johnny proudly proclaims, Rat, A big fu**ing rat about this big. i thaught of darron



Bush and Cheney were out walking when they came upon a dog cleaning himself. Bush looked down at the dog and told Cheney " I wish I could do that, and Cheney replied, Do you want me to hold the dog for you " !


A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer while pulling out a bottle and a paper bag from his coat pocket. The bartender thinks nothing of it and continues to work.
After about 2 hours the bartender finally gets curious and asks the patron what's up with the bottle and bag. Without a word he reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a foot tall man, who begins to pound out some R&B. The bartender is baffled and asks how he got it. The patron begins to tell the bartender that he was going thru the back alley and slipped on the bottle fell and hit his head. When he came to there was a genie waiting for him to make a wish.
The bartender was a little skeptic but had never seen a foot tall guy play a piano. So the bartender grab the bottle and rubbed it and released the genie before the patron could stop him. The genie pop out and asked him what his wish was, and the bartender immediatly spat out "I want 10 million bucks!". 'Poof' the genie was gone and all a sudden 10 million ducks pour into the bar.
Understandably the bartender got pissed and was about to punch the patron untill he said "Dude, do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch "pianist"?"

Answer 2

Lawyer And The Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-
the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 3

A man walks into a bar with a one foot man on his shoulder and holding a genie lamp.He sits at the bar and right away the little one foot man runs over and starts playing the piano. The bartender looks over at the man and asks whats with the lamp?
The man replied that he has found a real genie lamp and it will grant him a wish. But be careful he tells the bartender, the genie is hard of hearing. So the bartender rubs the lamp and out comes the genie and asks him what is his wish. The bartender asks for a million bucks and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks flying all over the place. The bartender turns to the man and says whats this. The man replies, I told you he was hard of hearing you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist!!

Answer 4

A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

This pill allows you to fly
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Turn back your car odometer
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Alzheimer Good News
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

Answer 5

A director stays with a package of papers in front of the shredder. He seems to be lost, he looks insistently to the shredder on all the parts of it. Meantime passes an employee and very amiably it says to him:
- May I help you?
The director, satisfied and happy, answers:
- It´s very kind of you. It seems to be that I am not too synchronized with the technology .
The employee, very servile, takes the papers, places them in a groove, and the sound of the papers is heard when they disappear in the shredder. Then the employee says to the Manager: - Did you see how easy it was? and the Manager asks:
- And where from do the copies come out?

Moral: ASK FIRST BEFORE INTERFERING. One always wants to guess what the director wants. But supposing only is a very bad method.

Answer 6

Give me a baseball bat
I bet you laugh
When you hear your ribs split now

Answer 7

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

hope you find a few here

Answer 8

A blonde succesfully pulled of a bank robbery but did not follow
the instructions she was given. she was given a rope to tie up the guards b4 blowing the safe.
after 15 anxious minutes the blonde bolted out of the bank dragging the safe she had tied up. 4 googley eyed security guards ran after her but they kept tripping up because their pants were around their ankles.

Answer 9

Heather Mills visits South Africa. Whilst there she takes a trip to a gold mine to meet the poor people that work in the mines for next to nothing.
She finds one man lying on a stretcher crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong?" says heather.
The man goes on to explain that whilst working down the mine he got too close to the explosives and when it detonated, the blast blew his leg off.
"At least you're alive" says Heather
"I know" says the man "but who wants a one legged gold digger?"

Answer 10

Why did the blonde change her baby's diapers once a week?

The box said "Up to 20 pounds".