make me laugh!?

Question

i am in a bad mood one of my loved ones is leaving me as in my friend he is coming back but i willmiss him so help and make me laugh!

Answer 1

I totally understand where you're coming from...

Why did Tigger jump into the toilet?


To get Pooh!

Hee-hee. I know I made you smile...and it was a clean joke...10 points?

Answer 2

Lawyer And The Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-
the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 3

What a dinner !

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner
and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom
and as the young man is going out;
he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister
is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I
think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns
back and says,
"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty
cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes
, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a
move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the
boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute
later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness.
" Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The
others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so
religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"












1st Time . . . . . . First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14 or so.
I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No".
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and pow,! I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Answer 4

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground
level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below

Answer:
Get your *** off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk!

Answer 5

Two Irish guys, Finlay and Donald, are in a pub, and it's time to give a toast. Finlay goes first, and says, "I salute my wife for some great lovin." Donald hasn't gotten any in years, but does not want to be outdone, so he says, "I salute my wife for 3 rounds of lovin each night."
That night, Donald goes home late and his wife is still up. She asks him, "Did you have fun? What was your toast tonight.? Donald quickly fibbed, "I, uhhh, saluted you for insisting that I go to church every Sunday." His wife was very pleased.
The next day, Donald's wife bumps into Finlay. Finlay says, "Why hello! You must be tired, Donald toasted you last night, do you know that?"

Donald's wife replied, "Yeah, I know! Sometimes, he can't even wake up. Most of the time, I have to pull him by the ears just to make him come!"

Answer 6

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

Answer 7

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a

little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey

kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy. "

Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants

from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of ***"

Answer 8

ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............

Answer 9

I hope this is appropiate:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Answer 10

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and orders a drink. The bartender says "excuse me sir, but I can't help but notice you have a steering wheel in your pants...isn't that uncomfortable?" and the pirate says "Arrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!!"

Get it?!

Answer 11

Hard to make you laugh without knowing you better, but if you want, I'll tickle your foot!