Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-13 16:51:39 · 7 answers · asked by kevman0713 2

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, " Nice tie," Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said, ":Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over, " Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told him. " I keep hearing these voices saying nice things and there's not a soul in here but us."
" It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
" Say what?"
" You heard me. It's the peanuts..... they're complimentary"

2006-07-13 16:41:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.""Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water

2006-07-13 16:34:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

They would if there were shoes to match!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-13 16:29:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day,

I sent my photo to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back to me saying "WE'RE NOT THAT FREAKING LONELY!!!!!"

A good drinking buddy will bail you out of jail, but a great drinking buddy will be sitting in the cell beside you, saying, "Man, that was awesome!"

The last words you remember each night are, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

You're disappointed when you go to a funeral and there's no keg.

You refer to your mouth as your "booze hole."

You've told Jehovah's Witnesses, "Of course, I want to go to Heaven. I'm sure it's awesome. God does pick up the tab every night, right?"

You once got so drunk you dreamed you got fired and broke up with your girlfriend - and it all came true!

You regularly ask bartenders, "So, how are the spill mats looking tonight? Anything good in there?"

Someone tells you they don't drink anymore, and you bravely respond, "Don't worry about it, buddy, I'll take up your slack!"

You prefer vodka that comes in the handy plastic squeeze-size bottles.

The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

Two weeks into the bender you found out "Drink Canada Dry" was a corporate slogan, not a challenge.

For the money you've spent on Thunderbird, you could have bought the car.

You know that vodka is tasteless going down, but memorable coming up.

You say when your drunk what you think when you're sober.

You know the best beer in the world is the one in your hand.

Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean- against bars, poles and tables.

You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-13 16:10:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

have you ever been asked a question like this-If there were two fish in a fish tank and one drowned how many were left?
What do you call that question? by the way the answer is fish can't drown

2006-07-13 16:01:22 · 11 answers · asked by ? 1

www.fooledya.com/vacuumpinguin.htlm

2006-07-13 15:55:06 · 3 answers · asked by Gabriel M 4

A dude walked into a bar in england.The bartender told the man "This pub needs a new name, any ideas?" The man said "the Queen's head?" "No." "The queens arms?" "no" "The queens legs?" "Perfect." the man finished his drink and walked off.The next day he was standing infront of the pub and a woman came up to him and asked "What are you doing here?" The man said "Waiting for the Queen's legs to open."

2006-07-13 15:45:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A.1 Protrons
2 Neutrons
3 Electrons

4 Homotrons ( they're the ones that blow the fuses )

2006-07-13 15:37:25 · 7 answers · asked by Binky 5

2006-07-13 15:24:53 · 13 answers · asked by phantom50558 2

woman without her man is nothing

2006-07-13 15:24:23 · 24 answers · asked by just another answerless person 2

ive done this question 2 other times and no one got it here it is again

A mom Has 3 kids Milly Tilly And Lilly What is the Mothers name

2006-07-13 15:10:37 · 54 answers · asked by Emily 3

2006-07-13 15:05:33 · 15 answers · asked by Arctic Wolf 2

Incase they get a hole in one! ha ha ha ha Ya I know its totally lame, but still puts a smile on your face!

2006-07-13 14:58:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-13 14:52:18 · 10 answers · asked by zakaramommy 2

http://www.winterrowd.com/exorcist/

2006-07-13 14:50:40 · 18 answers · asked by union_lonely_girl 3

2006-07-13 14:47:25 · 11 answers · asked by justiskelly 1

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says "who do i look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says "who do i look like a blad specialist?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says "who do i look like the maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....

man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife "how much did it cost?" His wife says "i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them." The man asks his wife "what kinda cake did you bake them?" the wife says "who do i look like Betty Crocker?"

2006-07-13 14:25:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some old sayings disagree with each other.

2006-07-13 14:25:25 · 7 answers · asked by fresh2 4

What's the funniest one line joke uve ever heard?

"A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch'"

2006-07-13 14:24:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

2006-07-13 14:23:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

just want to know.

2006-07-13 14:21:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?

Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

2006-07-13 14:20:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.winterrowd.com/alba/

2006-07-13 14:02:39 · 11 answers · asked by union_lonely_girl 3

http://www.winterrowd.com/snowman/

2006-07-13 13:54:26 · 5 answers · asked by union_lonely_girl 3

http://www.winterrowd.com/dungeon/

2006-07-13 13:50:09 · 4 answers · asked by union_lonely_girl 3

Tell me the best Chuck Norris joke you know!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I like it I will award you as best answer.

P.S. - I love pudding

2006-07-13 13:49:42 · 15 answers · asked by Brandon R 2

2006-07-13 13:34:27 · 12 answers · asked by pitbullcopper2004 5

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Center spent the morning at his girlfriend’s apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn’t watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? I’m in my office of course!”

2006-07-13 13:25:14 · 5 answers · asked by pureessence 2

2006-07-13 13:19:29 · 11 answers · asked by pitbullcopper2004 5