Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

Can a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear?

If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

How many two cents stamps are there in a dozen?

Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

2006-07-16 23:50:56 · 28 answers · asked by ~ ♥ Sun$hine ♥ ~ 3

Mother: Now, behave and be very quiet when you are in the church.

Sister: Why do we have to be quiet?

Brother: Because everybody is sleeping..

^^

2006-07-16 23:47:16 · 11 answers · asked by Poisonous_Lipz 1

Funniest answer gets 10 points.

2006-07-16 23:45:52 · 14 answers · asked by police 6

indian anna jones

2006-07-16 23:34:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 23:25:53 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man got paid on Thursday night but instead of going home he stayed out all night, got drunk and partied on with his friends. The next day he still didn't go home but continued to party and have a good time. Saturday came, he kept right on drinking and spending all his money until he had none left and no other option but to go home to his wife.
His wife was furious. She yelled at him for two long hours. Finally she said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?'
Without thinking the man replied, "That would be alright."
Well, from right there and then, the rest of the day went by and he didn't see her. The next day he still didn't see her nor did he see her on the following day. But, by the afternoon of the third day the swelling had gone down enough that he managed to catch a glimps of her through the corner of his blackened eyes.

2006-07-16 23:17:30 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

For real.

2006-07-16 22:49:59 · 6 answers · asked by police 6

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and
decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the
teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2006-07-16 22:43:05 · 15 answers · asked by Happy Alf 3

2006-07-16 22:40:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a old shaman come up to you today and geve you a magic neclace that could transform you into any animal you wish, but you could only be one. what would you be??

Example, Id want to be a Golden Eagle, Id save a ton in gas money, id be top of the food chain so i would not have to worry about hawks and falcons killing me! i could save peoples lives! If some people messed with me id swoop down and grab there ears with my talons!! and keep the mice out of my house!! what would you be!! please fun silly awsers here people!!

2006-07-16 22:26:40 · 23 answers · asked by Jonas V 3

2006-07-16 22:25:07 · 5 answers · asked by Smelly 1

A magician had a water glass that was filled to the top. Holding the glass above his head he let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water. How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill any water?

It's another riddle which I've never heard of.Thanks :)

2006-07-16 22:15:33 · 20 answers · asked by Unknown Darkness™ 7

like when you pick a card in yout head and like it guesses it . It drives me crazy i cant figure it out

2006-07-16 22:15:31 · 11 answers · asked by yellowsnowman333 2

not necesarily near the tree that fell.

2006-07-16 22:05:15 · 16 answers · asked by Whodaman 4

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

2006-07-16 21:52:05 · 14 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

2006-07-16 21:46:13 · 12 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

2006-07-16 21:44:44 · 16 answers · asked by spongeboob 2

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

2006-07-16 21:30:47 · 23 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

2006-07-16 21:29:51 · 27 answers · asked by joegossum 4

2006-07-16 21:29:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?chase%20cool -very funny rofl.

2006-07-16 21:14:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 21:10:53 · 15 answers · asked by gonzo_fonzo 1

2006-07-16 21:09:48 · 15 answers · asked by gonzo_fonzo 1

gbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjyhjyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyoppppooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooootttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss

2006-07-16 20:23:11 · 16 answers · asked by salamandra132004 2

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, " Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely......


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?!!? "

2006-07-16 20:17:24 · 26 answers · asked by Art_a_diba 1

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

2006-07-16 20:01:07 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

The Christian fundamentalist family wanted to buy a Christian dog, so they found one that would fetch the Bible. And then when you told the dog to look up First Corinthians, it did it right away. And then when you didn't feel well, the dog would leap up on your lap and put a paw on your forehead and say, " Heel."

:)

2006-07-16 20:00:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man applied, and got the job, as a school bus driver. The principal explained that the bus he was to drive had some cartoon monsters painted on the side. the first day of school, the man started his route. At the first stop was a chubby little girl. She said "Hi, I'm Patty". At the next stop, the driver encountered another chubby little girl. She was named Patty as well. At the next stop, the bus driver met a child who said "Hi, I'm Ross, and I'm special". At the last stop he met another little boy who bounced on the bus and said " Hi, I'm Lester Chase!" So, on to school the driver went. He looked in the mirror and saw Lester Chase had taken a shoe off and was picking sores from his foot. The driver dropped off the kids and went to the principals office. "What is this, a joke?", he asked the principal. "I had 2 obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Chase pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

2006-07-16 19:53:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo mommas so old she lost her virginity to Socrates.

Yo mommas so emotionaly unstable she gets post partum depression after she takes a dump...

Yo mommas so Nasty I fu*ked her without a condom and caught cancer

Yo mommas so socially inept her imaginary friend filed a restraining order.

Yo mommas so nasty her coochies got dreadlocks.

Yo mommas so dumb she took an IQ test and failed

Yo mommas so fat I lifed up a fat roll and round a rack of ribs

Yo mommas breath so hot she gave chilli a third degree burn...

Yo mommas so fat instead of peanuts in her turds there are whole biscuts...

hehe, I have just been thinking about these lately and decided to try and make a few of my own, tell me what you think...
I want to know if I got the right rythm...

2006-07-16 19:52:33 · 11 answers · asked by Brocktoon 3

Previously we had this riddle:

Why is it not a good idea to iron a four leaf clover?
A: Because you shouldn't press your luck!

Hehe. I had thought it would be more difficult. But try today's riddle:

Why were the cars blushing?

Have fun!

2006-07-16 19:31:25 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6