Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go –
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

2007-12-03 05:10:45 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese

2007-12-03 05:06:19 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping......................... This letter was recently sent by super market's Head Office to a customer in
Somewhereshire Dear Mrs. ....,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

2007-12-03 05:05:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Boll*cks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

A*SMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scre*ed and die.

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BRITNEY SPEARS. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"

2007-12-03 04:57:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was about to be married and his father sat down with son to have a talk. He told his son that on his wedding night he took off his pants and handed them to his wife and said "Try these on." She did and said they were too big. "That's right, I am the man and I wear the pants." And ever since they had a great marriage. The son said he was going to do the same. On his wedding night he took off his pants and handed them to his wife and told her to try them on. She did and said they were too big. "Exactly!, I am the man and I wear the pants!" The wife took off her pants and handed them to her husband and said "Try these on" He tried to put them on couldn't. "I can't get them on" he told her. She looked at him seriously and said "That's right, and you won't ever get into them if you don't change your attitude!"

2007-12-03 04:56:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I’ll starve . . . ’til I take that first bite

2007-12-03 04:47:32 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ 2

2007-12-03 04:39:50 · 15 answers · asked by noel t 1

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’

Jack replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’

Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’

He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service

2007-12-03 04:35:20 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, sohe decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentallytyped a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent thee-mail.Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned fromher husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's sonrushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computerscreen which read:To: My Loving WifeSubject: I've reachedDate: November 30, 2005I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here;we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached andhave been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for yourarrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW !

2007-12-03 04:30:30 · 19 answers · asked by Schumi 5

Did you get your email? One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not"
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion"
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good "
God was not pleased so He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good because he wanted to encourage them give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?.................................
Just wondering... I didn't get one either....

2007-12-03 04:12:41 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Let's say you are "amchoney143" and have three friends that ask and award best answer from "jokes & riddles". Those three friends are "mylesaquinillo", "Katie" and "nachelle."
Let's say that "amchoney143" answers 15 from "mylesaquinillo", 15 from "Katie" and 10 from "nachelle' and gets awarded all 40 of them?
That's 40 of the 54 he/she has. Which means that getting 40 of 40 is enough to want me to go buy a lottery ticket. I mean this is a "can't lose" situation.
Then that leaves 14 best answers from the other 70. Wow, that percentage drops to a whopping 20%.
Here's the riddle - Do you think I'm reading way too much into this? Or do you think it's a coincidence that 40 out of 40 is a right on?
Think about it. If Barry Bonds went to the plate and hit 40 homeruns in 40 at bats, steroids or no, I'd have to put him into the Hall of Fame.
Let's put "amchoney143" into the Yahoo answers Hall of Fame. Hey, 40 out of 40 will be hard to top. What do you think?

2007-12-03 03:27:15 · 8 answers · asked by youarebusted17 5

A couple had twins ;they named them Tin and Martin
Again they had twins and named them Peter and Repeater
Again they had twins and named them Max and Climax
Again the same. the disgusted couple named them Tired and Retired.

2007-12-03 03:14:58 · 29 answers · asked by nikita rai 2

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.She mounts the horse,unassisted,and the horse immediately springs into action.
She gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace,but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror,she grips for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along,seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Finally,giving up her frail grip,the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Bill,the Walmart greeter,sees her and unplugs the horse.

2007-12-03 03:14:03 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

2007-12-03 03:12:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

if u find this....u will be rewarded as "mind breaker"

2007-12-03 03:09:07 · 7 answers · asked by Mahe VJ 1

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."


A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for & your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he?
Who was the father?"

2007-12-03 03:05:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

2007-12-03 03:02:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the ghost who works at Scotland Yard?
He's the Chief in-spectre.



What's big, green, and ugly and never smiles?
The Incredible Sulk.


How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards.


How do you know if an elephant has been in fridge?
You'll find it's footprints in the butter.

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Have you ever tried ironing one?

What is big, grey and far too dangerous to appear in a circus?
An elephant with a machine gun.


What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants approaching?
'Here come the elephants!


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Earthquakes in Australia.

2007-12-03 02:32:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: "What is the outer part of a tree called?"
Pupil: "I don't know sir."
Teacher: "Bark, boy bark."
Pupil: "Woof-woof."




Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They're all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They're all under C level.




There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.



Old Teachers never die, they just lose their class.

2007-12-03 02:15:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

My parents sent me to boarding school so that they wouldn't have to help me with my homework.


Teacher: Billy, why have you not given me your homework?
Billy: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.



Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Son: Underwater.
Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Son: Below "C" level.


Old Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!



Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'".
Pupil: "I is-"
Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'."
Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'."

2007-12-03 02:13:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing"

2007-12-03 01:52:43 · 14 answers · asked by ? 6

Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?



Both offer very little support!

2007-12-03 01:49:52 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'"

2007-12-03 01:42:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rooster and Owl

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?




A c*ck that stays up all night!

2007-12-03 01:39:26 · 8 answers · asked by ? 6

The other day I parked in a disabled parking bay. A traffic warden came over to me a said " Oi what's your disability?"
i said "Tourettes you C*nt, now f*ck off!

2007-12-03 01:38:06 · 17 answers · asked by tnucamai 3

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts and they change somewhat, depending on a woman's age.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.
"Onions, Dad?" asked the son.
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Xmas tree."
"A Xmas tree?" asked the daughter.
"Yes, dried up and the balls are only for decoration

2007-12-03 01:34:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said goats."

2007-12-03 01:34:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

2007-12-03 01:29:00 · 10 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

Taser"


Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife
--
who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY
TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was
working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is
on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to
one
side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
"mug"
yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How
did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.



Still in shock, Earl

2007-12-03 00:37:06 · 7 answers · asked by drdennie2 3

question, wins this silver dollar. Here's the question:
Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
One kid in back immediately raises his hand and says :
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher is amazed and says "that's right" you win the silver dollar."
The kid goes up, takes the silver dollar and heads back to his seat. The teacher then says:
"Hey wait a minute. Aren't you Jewish?"
The kid replies:
"yeah".
The teacher then asks:
"Well, then, how come you said Jesus Christ is the greates
man who ever lived?"
The kid replies:
"He wasn't. Moses was. But a buck's a buck."

2007-12-03 00:22:17 · 11 answers · asked by polldiva 3