Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

He asked the old man,"why are you sitting here on the tomb in this time?"

The poor old man replied casually,"oh,it is very hot inside"pointing to the tomb.

2007-12-02 19:55:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Uncle Walter
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom, in our bed, with a neighbour.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Deidre Usk


Dear Deidre:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

2007-12-02 19:41:14 · 16 answers · asked by unity 3

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

2007-12-02 19:39:56 · 31 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

2007-12-02 19:33:54 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the
Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette
and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2007-12-02 19:30:23 · 31 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw
in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the
table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I
get away with it?"

2007-12-02 19:23:53 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."

The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just f*cking with you, she's dead."

2007-12-02 19:13:36 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"Buddy The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"Buddy The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"Buddy The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

Buddy The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

Buddy The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

2007-12-02 18:59:23 · 29 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

2007-12-02 18:37:53 · 28 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-02 17:57:43 · 3 answers · asked by vijaykayal 5

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess\' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. that night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don\'t f*cking think so.

2007-12-02 17:50:57 · 7 answers · asked by Honey 2

Milk arrowroot biscuits.

(think about it.)
Star if you like it.

2007-12-02 17:17:49 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Tide Soap Company



I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties, I find it even better. In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.



My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on
my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I
purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief!! Going through menopause is
bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for
having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

2007-12-02 17:08:26 · 9 answers · asked by Honey 2

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I\'m still a
virgin.\"
\"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if
you\'ve been married ten times?\"

\"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he\'d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn\'t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn\'t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he
thought he knew how, but he wasn\'t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice
product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was
talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look
at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was... God! I miss him!

But now that I\'ve married you, I\'m really excited!\"
\"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\"
\"You\'re a lawyer. This time I know I\'m gonna get
screwed!\"

2007-12-02 16:51:05 · 12 answers · asked by Honey 2

one of his friends thought of showing the ‘big one’ to his wife and surprising her as he thought that it was really big.and so,secretly he removed the big one of his friend Dr.Sharma and put it in a gift box and showed it to his wife without telling anything..The wife was shocked to see the gift and asked her husband.”What,Dr.Sharma has died?”

2007-12-02 16:19:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in a corner

2007-12-02 15:58:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the dictation when she checked whether they had written the dictation properly,she was shocked to find what little john had written.........................................
...................................................................................
He had written"penis mightier than the sword"

2007-12-02 15:45:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

2007-12-02 14:59:34 · 9 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

He says
I was reading this magazine "101 Ways to Have Sex", it was a misprint I ended up in traction.

What does he mean by traction?

2007-12-02 14:49:59 · 3 answers · asked by PTK 5

What do you enjoy most about being in a guy's company. Is it the sense of humour - most guys do tend to joke around alot...What you ladies think?

2007-12-02 14:15:38 · 8 answers · asked by thugster17 2

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

2007-12-02 14:05:23 · 9 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

2007-12-02 14:01:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause you want them to work dont ya :O

2007-12-02 13:53:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-02 13:44:40 · 11 answers · asked by rantdogg 2

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

2007-12-02 13:43:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

2007-12-02 13:29:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

2007-12-02 12:57:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The little boy went into his mom and dad's room and caught mom riding dad.

The little boy said,"Mom, what are you doing?"

Mom said, "I'm flatting out dad's stomach."

The little boy said, " That ain't goning to work, because every morning after you go to work, the neighbor lady comes over and blows it back up!"

2007-12-02 12:55:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pretty simple. The lines are to the tune of Sufjan Steven's Jacksonville: youtube[dot]com/watch?v=5l_JjhLgEzY

2007-12-02 12:53:42 · 3 answers · asked by PenaltyKillah 2

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two
categories -- those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache.
What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

2007-12-02 12:50:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous