Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

2007-12-03 10:00:54 · 3 answers · asked by hairyimp 2

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

2007-12-03 09:57:50 · 10 answers · asked by bernman101 6

Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet

2007-12-03 09:46:13 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Sabre♥ 6

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour. She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

2007-12-03 09:45:15 · 4 answers · asked by shinersd 2

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"


"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

2007-12-03 09:32:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.




She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed
back into her house.




A little later she came out of his house again, went to the
mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.




As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed
it closed harder than ever.




Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?"




To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!

Star if funny
Ty

2007-12-03 09:26:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Horror Show

Hit me like you mean it
And then stare into my face
Laugh while i'm unconscience
Knocked my heart right out of place
It's not what you expected
When you land that final blow
You can't break what is broken
Can't sink lower than this low
Take me while i'm sleeping
Let your fetish be my blood
You'll gain no satisfaction
When i'm face down in the mud
You might as well forget me
Quit the game that can't be won
Sleep away the horror
Make a best friend of a gun.

By: K.M.P "Cut Up Angel"

2007-12-03 09:21:26 · 19 answers · asked by Mary 4

Okay here goes...

A man goes into a grocery store. While he is going in he sees a blond woman sitting in her car holding both of her hands behind her head. When he comes out of the store, she is still there. He asks her if she is Okay. She replies "No, I have been shot in the back of my head and I have been trying to keep my brains from falling out." The man quickly calls an ambulance. The blonde won't take her hands off her head. The emergancy people pry her hands away. What had happened was that in the heat of the car, a pillsberry container exploded, making a sound like a gunshot. The Blonde felt something hit her in the back of her head and thought it was her brains. The dough from the container hit her and she tought it was her brain.

Is the Joke any good? Do you guys have any others?

2007-12-03 09:17:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

so there are these guys and after their chess competition, they go a hotela nd are talking in the lobby about how good they did. after a while, the hotel manager says they need to leave. one man asks "why?" and the mansager says "i hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

if u don't get it, i am not explaining it LOL i find it funny :)

2007-12-03 09:10:40 · 7 answers · asked by Star of the Future 3

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

2007-12-03 08:58:29 · 6 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

2007-12-03 08:50:05 · 11 answers · asked by Julia 3

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

2007-12-03 08:47:58 · 18 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

2007-12-03 08:40:51 · 10 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

Paddy was in the pub telling his mates about his sponsored parachute jump.

"We wuz about thirty thousand feet up, the door opened, and everyone started to jump out one by one, but when it came to my turn I just couldn't do it. I was terrified. After about a minute, the instructor walked up behind me, pulled out his 12 inch penis, and told me that if I didn't jump he would ram it right up me @rse"

There was a short silence and then one of the drinkers asked "Well, did you jump?"

Paddy replied "Only a little bit when he first stuck it in"

2007-12-03 08:38:22 · 12 answers · asked by Grizz 5

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-12-03 08:36:17 · 16 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

A man goes to his doctor with a black eye. The doctor asked him what happened. The man says he was in church and the lady in front of him dress was caught in her crack, I pulled it out and she slugged me. The doctor says yeah, women don't like that. The next week the man came in and his other eye was black. The doctor asked him what happened. Well I was in church and that same lady was in front of me again. Her dress wasn't in her crack and I know she doesn't like that so I shoved it in her crack.

2007-12-03 07:55:31 · 6 answers · asked by abluheron1 4

Announcement :

Due to the saga of Mohammed the bear in Sudan, Sooty today cancelled his up coming tour of Jamaica....

2007-12-03 07:49:49 · 23 answers · asked by Dee L 5

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday... I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those dang payments!
So I calls my baby girl, to comes to my house, and when she get there, I told her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she EVER be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door... I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on yo face.

2007-12-03 07:27:40 · 12 answers · asked by Roxy 3

One says to the other " Is your baby teething yet? Girl says yea she is doing really well, so far she has got me a laptop, video and a mobile phone!

2007-12-03 07:22:49 · 21 answers · asked by skaska 5

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can HO!HO!HO!

What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe!

My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air.

Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer
and an Irish setter?
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get??
Missile toe!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What did Santa Claus to all the toys on Christmas Eve?
"Okay everybody! Time to hit the sack!"

Why does Scrooge love all of Santa's reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

Did Adam celebrate Christmas in the garden of Eden?
Sure, haven't you ever heard of Christmas Eve?

Where do elves go to vote?
The North Poll.

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Who likes to drink reindeer milk every morning for breakfast?
A baby reindeer.

If the day before Christmas is called Christmas Eve, what is
the day after Christmas called?
December 26th.

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa Claus put coal in the stockings of bad little
boys and girls?
Because heating oil would leak out the bottom.

What is a big as Santa but weighs less than a feather?
Santa's shadow.

Why won't Santa eat Twinkies?
He would rather eat Ho-Hos.

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter "Y".

What happens when a Irish Setter and a Pointer kiss under
the mistletoe?
You get a Pointsetter.

What is red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus covered in ashes.

2007-12-03 07:16:40 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

2007-12-03 06:30:42 · 10 answers · asked by LandRover 3

if you lay them right the first time you can walk on them for years......thanks grandma

2007-12-03 06:17:44 · 21 answers · asked by minerva 7

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh*t with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
**************************************...
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

2007-12-03 05:53:10 · 8 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.
She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like your handicapped."The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning."

2007-12-03 05:49:43 · 9 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front
of the Pearly Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's
Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have
never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?" Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock.? The hands have moved twice, telling us that
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it
as a ceiling fan".

2007-12-03 05:49:02 · 7 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

2007-12-03 05:47:01 · 7 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

2007-12-03 05:36:17 · 15 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

A little boy wanted $100 very badly, so he prayed every night for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided he would just write the Lord a letter and ask him directly for the $100.
When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, U.S.A.," they decided to forward it to President Clinton. The President was so touched and impressed with the boy's nerve that he showed it to Hillary. She said, "This could be good P.R., Bill. Go ahead and send the kid some money." The President told his secretary to send the boy $5.00. He thought this would seem like a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat right down to write a thank you letter to God. It read as follows:
Dear God,
Thank you for sending me the money I rquested. However, I see you send the money through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, that bastard Clinton took 95% of it.

2007-12-03 05:33:54 · 11 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

There is a bus with 7 girls inside,

Each girl has 7 bags,

Inside each bag, there are 7 big cats,

Each Big cat has 7 small cats,

All cats have 4 legs each!

Question: How many legs are there inside the bus?
**********
I've tried different answers and all of them are wrong!!!

2007-12-03 05:22:36 · 16 answers · asked by lenise1973 2

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His lover, Wally, is really worried about his man being unfaithful, so he asks him to tattoo his name to his penis....He agrees, and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. Wally, feeling secure knowing that his name is tattooed on his lover's penis says good-bye to his lover as he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica the guy is at this urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him...The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican,

"WOW , that's really interesting I guess you have a lover named Wally too."

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"

2007-12-03 05:15:59 · 14 answers · asked by jockman432004 4