Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my sister's
house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible
my sister is, my Mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister
she had to get something from the store. Later, when the
turkey was in the oven, my sister left to do something in
another part of the house. My Mom took the turkey out of the
oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and
inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.




When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey
out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When
her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled
out the little bird.


With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took
the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE''S BLONDE!

2007-12-03 22:44:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one
Friday evening that reads...




Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."




When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for
him that read as follows...




Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be
at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old
boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

2007-12-03 22:41:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable.
She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away, " sobbed the little
girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I
overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a pr*ck in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

2007-12-03 22:39:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn
signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is
like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power
surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute
of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've
got.

2007-12-03 22:37:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz
around Halloween.




"Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About
30% of the class puts their hand up.




"Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?"
About 10% of the class puts their hand up.




"Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?"
Dead silence, until a little redneck boy in the back row
puts up his hand.




"You've actually had sex with a ghost?"




"Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"

2007-12-03 22:35:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking
machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was
out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he
inserted his pen*s into the equipment, turned the switch
on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized
that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as
his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized
that he couldn't remove the instrument from his pen*s.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without
success.




Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's
Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought
a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic,
but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"




"Don't worry, " replied the customer
service rep, "The machine will release automatically
once it's collected two gallons."

2007-12-03 22:33:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The two most common elements in
the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.



Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery
easier to live with.





Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bounced cheque.



It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.


Always remember to pillage *before* you burn.


If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your
book.


If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.


The trouble with doing something right first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.


It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning
to others.


Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.


The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.



Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.

2007-12-03 22:31:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the
doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something
about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with
my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly,
but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has
the...er...features...of
a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean
it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

2007-12-03 22:18:54 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Swearing at work Memo
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Go fu__ yourself.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: Fu__ this job.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.

Thank You, Human Resources

2007-12-03 22:17:21 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners
are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of
the wine.
b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it
with your fingers covering the label.

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if
the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you
are the driver.
f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings,
unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.
b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.
c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or
hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make
or color for each piece of the set.
d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better
to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that
the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding
brawl.

2007-12-03 22:16:30 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks
down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully
dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming,
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell,
"Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another
volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is
surprised to see a Texas cowboy with his hands high
in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady!
You can have your damn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

2007-12-03 22:15:07 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide,
because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably
be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
-- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the
meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas
are good indications that your bread has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time,
depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put
down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable
amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.

2007-12-03 22:14:19 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

2007-12-03 21:59:26 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

Ten Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web

1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

2007-12-03 21:54:32 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

2007-12-03 21:46:26 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

A super-salesman was addressing the crowd about his wonder drugs that could cure fever, stomach ache, headache, deafness --the "cure-all " wonder drugs?

Salesman --"I have been selling this wonder drug for over 30 years. And l have never heard a word of complaint from the buyers. What does that prove, gentlemen?

A voice from the crowd---"Dead men tell no tales!"

Funny?

2007-12-03 21:00:09 · 4 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine
Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine
Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine
Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine
Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine
Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine
John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine
Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-***! Aberdeen
Hey a**hole: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine
You rotten pr*ck! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of turds. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine
Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law

2007-12-03 20:56:01 · 7 answers · asked by k56t 2

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

2007-12-03 20:33:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-03 20:27:15 · 18 answers · asked by adeelbaghdad 2

Hello Friends

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and an Indian sent this joke...

A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend."Look up at the sky and tell me what you see

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

2007-12-03 20:00:07 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-03 19:17:00 · 8 answers · asked by Mahe VJ 1

scrupulous investigations of Australian scientists proved that persons with 111% IQ reading this with their right hand on the mouse are nevertheless on a retάrded side!
Mark it interesting if you were caught; drop a comment please;
as for me I’ve been caught 3 times already on this joke!!!

2007-12-03 19:16:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says,
"I remember it well."
"OK," he says,
"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple
walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they
get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers.



As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both
are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he
has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,








"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.

2007-12-03 18:53:35 · 18 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

2007-12-03 18:51:54 · 4 answers · asked by omeng90 3

1.
Little Johnny comes home from school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
*****************
2.
Johnny`s parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.
Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I`m so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."
She agrees and they go to bed.
In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.
She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"
"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"
****************
3.
Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let`s take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."
"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!"
And he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on it and slides down the rail, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom.
"That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea.
"No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom.
"You gotta try this, it s the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you d better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny`s face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts."THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF!!"

2007-12-03 18:14:01 · 14 answers · asked by hotpot_garry 2

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2007-12-03 18:08:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2007-12-03 17:59:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

2007-12-03 17:01:57 · 11 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you 're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

2007-12-03 17:00:02 · 11 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

tomaro wat should i wear!
i have like everything!!!!!!!! and i have like everything
im already wearing skinny jeans and wat shirt??
i have a lot
from every store and every color so wat store/color/type so plz help!!

10 points to best answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

2007-12-03 16:13:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous