Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

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Because she's between a man and the mattress.

2007-12-04 12:33:11 · 6 answers · asked by RLD 2

For a woman?

2007-12-04 12:32:21 · 2 answers · asked by iguana_on_marijuana 2

Imagine you're stranded on a river with no one around you to call for help. You are completely surrounded by ferocious aligators. How do you get out (without dying)?

2007-12-04 12:07:56 · 16 answers · asked by Kai C 1

dont worry if a big guy in a red suit comes and puts you in a big bag, everyone is asking for hos this year!

2007-12-04 12:00:17 · 13 answers · asked by Princess Saydilina 3

Q: Why is Gollum popular in the internet?

A: Because he is Smeaglol!

2007-12-04 11:50:34 · 7 answers · asked by Res T 3

A professor from the natural history museum was walking past HMV when he saw an album for sale called '1001 wasp sounds'.

Now, being an expert in wasp sounds himself-he couldn't beleive his luck and he rushed in for a copy.

The sales assistant offered to put it on for him to make sure it was what he really wanted and they listened to the first track.
"That's not a wasp!" said the professor after a couple of seconds, "try another one.

so- Track 2: "this isn't a bloody wasp either! i think you're trying to con me here".

The shop assistant says: "look, let's try one more, maybe you're mistaken"

"Mistaken!?" says the professor "I am the worlds leading expert in wasp sounds and i'm telling you they are not wasps!..i'm going!"

As he was leaving the shop, the bemused shop assistant, looking at the album cover, realised his mistake...

"Oi, come back" he shouts "We've been listening to the Bee side"..

2007-12-04 11:46:57 · 5 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Three recently deceased couples are at the gates to heaven waiting to be let in. The first couple walks up to the angel waiting for them. The angel turns to him and says "you lived a good life for the most part and you were religious. But you were greedy. Your whole life revovled around food. So much so that you married a woman named Candy" So down to hell they went.
The second couple went up and the angel said " You lived a good life and you went to church every sunday. But you were greedy. Your whole life was based on money. So much so that your wife's name is Penny". So they, too went down to hell.
Before the third couple's turn, the man turned to his wife and said, "Fanny, I think we're in trouble".

2007-12-04 11:19:32 · 10 answers · asked by coconut1630 2

you can be overwhelmed.
you can be underwhelmed.
but can you just be whelmed?

2007-12-04 10:54:15 · 5 answers · asked by itscaramel 2

Ben got a thorn in his finger and wept uncontrollably. johnny tried to consol him.
"Don't worry, Ben..I'll ask mum for a cup of cider to put it in, that'll fix it."
"Sob, will that, sob, work, sob sob..??"
"Well, I've heard my big sister say that every time she gets a big prick in her hand...she always puts it in cider."

2007-12-04 10:49:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

...Little Fairies used to help Father Christmas deliver Christmas trees? They were special and quiet strong fairies and although they were small they delivered trees two at a time. Well one particualr Christmas there was a huge rush on with the trees and Father Christams got in a right old grump because the elves muddled the orders and one of the reindeer was ill. At the end of of a very busy Christmas Eve one worn out fairy returned from her last shift for the year, she was very worried because she had a tree left over and nowhere to deliver it. Cautiously she returned to the boss, who by now was in foul mood. He was covered in soot, a bit tipsy on sherry and he was soking his tired old feet in a bowl.
The Fairy rushed in a said "On Father Christmas what shall I do, I have a tree left over and don't know what to do, were shall I put it?" Father Christmas glared and growled his angry reply and that is why, to this day, we always put the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree!

2007-12-04 10:45:46 · 21 answers · asked by bumbleboi 6

how come every time you get arrested you go to jail and have to eat that nasty soup. i know one time when that happened i went to the bathroom at the mall. there i m et this nice young lady who offered to lend me $70. so i just took the money and rann with it. so then there i was in the parking lot at my house triming leaves off my car. my daughter or son or whatever it is came outside to see what i was doing and i said

SHOPPING!!!!!!!

i love to shop that's why i went to the grocery store to buy a pair of jordans for my christmas/spring break.

i hope u enjoyed my story about my life

2007-12-04 10:35:35 · 13 answers · asked by Tay S 1

2007-12-04 10:18:33 · 2 answers · asked by Mike S 7

2007-12-04 10:17:31 · 4 answers · asked by Unoptrid1aq 4

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"


Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll ra

2007-12-04 10:09:05 · 6 answers · asked by oOo_tophothari_oOo 3

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkees, Captain Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She described the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his life lately was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes."

haha

2007-12-04 09:47:55 · 20 answers · asked by ohcallmejade 3

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. .

Have a wonderful day.

2007-12-04 09:43:17 · 10 answers · asked by MrRight 3

how do u catch a cat?
cat bate

how do you catch a dog?
dog bate

how do u catch an eye master?
eye master bate!!!

lol

2007-12-04 09:25:46 · 8 answers · asked by pear~bear 2

if anyone loves la bouche and listens to them... how have they changed your life ?

2007-12-04 09:25:31 · 2 answers · asked by technictechno08 1

What do you think happens next lolllllllllll?

2007-12-04 09:15:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f ---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

2007-12-04 09:07:11 · 12 answers · asked by shinersd 2

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

2007-12-04 09:04:02 · 4 answers · asked by shinersd 2

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

2007-12-04 09:03:13 · 8 answers · asked by shinersd 2

2007-12-04 09:02:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boys, do u like blondes or brunettes better?????

2007-12-04 09:01:49 · 12 answers · asked by pj 2

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

2007-12-04 09:00:57 · 2 answers · asked by shinersd 2

Caller (en quiring about legal requirements while traveling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

2007-12-04 08:59:48 · 3 answers · asked by shinersd 2

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

2007-12-04 08:58:48 · 2 answers · asked by shinersd 2

there is couple with the two kid , one 13 boy and 18 girl.

they went to travel agent, he ask how is the fastest way to travel.

agent sayed u have three choice , by plane couple hours depends ur destination, boat, weeks or months depends target.

the agent forget to sayed the third one.

the couple it sayed third choice a charm.

how much it cost , free , the agent sayed.

the couple reply we take the free one.

you need transportation card.
computer
modem prefer dsl

why i need all that cuz , you will travel by yahoo.


lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-12-04 08:24:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

cabbie says to nun in his cab - my fanasy is to be sucked off by a nun. She says ok, but you must be catholic and single. Cabbie says he is so, nun starts to suck him off. He starts to cry 'forgive me sister i have sinned - i'm married and i'm a jewish!' Nun says 'thats ok, my names Dave and on my way to a fancy dress party'.

2007-12-04 08:12:56 · 7 answers · asked by Toothepaste Kisses-* 3

One day Adam was sitting in the garden of Eden, when Eve ran to him screaming: "That's it, I can't take it anymore! Are you cheating on me?"
Adam was confused and said "Eve, how can I be cheating on you? You're the only woman on the world..."
Eve calmed down, and they changed the subject, but she remained restless...

Late that night Adam was woken up but an unpleasant feeling...
Eve was touching his torso...

"What are you doing woman?", Adam screamed.

"Shut up, I'm counting your ribs!" xD

2007-12-04 08:10:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous