Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

a man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.the sales girl notices him & asked him if she can help.he answers that he his lookin for tampons for his wife.she directs him down the correct aisle.a few minutes later,he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.she says confused,sir,i thought you were lookin for some tampons for your wife? he answers,you see,its like this,yesterday,i sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of smokes,and she came back with a tin of tabacco and some rollin papers,cause its soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much cheaper,so i figure if i gotta roll my own so does she.

2007-12-05 06:18:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

on mtv cribs 50 showed off his crib and then apparently sold it. it was ridiulous, the peak of gaudy materialism. 8 kitchens 5 of which he,s never used. i love nice things but like anything else you can overdo it. like mike tyson and 50 whoever bought that house will never be happy in it.

2007-12-05 06:16:50 · 13 answers · asked by doc_of_three 2

During that journey, his head travelled 36 ft. more than his feet, yet his feet and head remained attached to his body. What is the explanation for this?

2007-12-05 06:08:40 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? More than 3, I know that for sure. Lol!

2007-12-05 05:24:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a beautiful bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2007-12-05 05:08:19 · 13 answers · asked by Mera 7

A husband and his wife who have been married twenty years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She says nothing and ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."


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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

2007-12-05 05:05:42 · 35 answers · asked by .... 6

This is an interesting question, if you have a funeral joke let me know,

IF it is a joke that really happened all the better!

2007-12-05 05:03:41 · 8 answers · asked by yourfuneralguy 2

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

The woman replied, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

2007-12-05 05:02:28 · 24 answers · asked by .... 6

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"

2007-12-05 04:59:51 · 29 answers · asked by .... 6

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2007-12-05 04:58:44 · 19 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

2007-12-05 04:56:24 · 10 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b@stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned b@stard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that b@stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

2007-12-05 04:56:22 · 18 answers · asked by .... 6

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

2007-12-05 04:54:48 · 15 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

2007-12-05 04:52:18 · 20 answers · asked by .... 6

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

2007-12-05 04:49:30 · 14 answers · asked by .... 6

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

2007-12-05 04:45:56 · 18 answers · asked by .... 6

I bought a teddy bear for £10 named it Mohammed and sold it for £20... is that a Prophet?

2007-12-05 04:45:06 · 6 answers · asked by Paige 2

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

2007-12-05 04:44:11 · 12 answers · asked by .... 6

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'

2007-12-05 04:41:12 · 23 answers · asked by .... 6

waiting for some unique answer which makes me laugh hurry up.

2007-12-05 03:44:52 · 34 answers · asked by Angel 2

for zoo magazine, peter crouch was asked what would you be if you where not a profesional footballer, probibly a virgin he replied .......................

2007-12-05 03:33:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.

They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

They stand and watch him for half an hour.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

2007-12-05 03:15:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Life is a tale told by an idiot.

Star please.

2007-12-05 03:14:47 · 19 answers · asked by ambani 1

A man walked into a café and he said, "Could I have a breakfast". The cafe owner said, "Certainly, sir". He said, "But could you do it my way". The owner says, "What's your way". He says, "I want a fried egg that’s been over-cooked so it's got a rubbery texture so I can bounce it up and down on the floor, I want bacon that's so brittle that when I stab my fork in it it springs around the room, I want baked beans that are cold in the middle, hot on the outside, I also want fried bread that's dripping in grease with no crispy bits". The owner says, "I haven't got time to do all that". The man says, "Well, you f*cking found time yesterday!"

2007-12-05 03:01:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is
nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

2007-12-05 02:36:55 · 20 answers · asked by -x-Enya-x- 2

Last one for today,thanx for reading !

Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...




-Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.




-Last remaining fundamentalist dies in the American
territory of Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan,
Syria and Lebanon).




-Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.




-Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California.




-85-year, $75.8 billion study conclusions: Diet and exercise
are the keys to weight loss.




-Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.




-George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.




-Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take
at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases
to a safe level.

2007-12-05 02:30:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are the ones i know.

1.Hooker with bike pedal a55 all over town

2.Man who walks through airport doors is going to bangkok.

3.Man who sleeps with itchy backside wakes up with smelly fingers.

4.Man who eats chicken is full of c0ck.

2007-12-05 02:18:00 · 2 answers · asked by Pokorin 1

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?




A. They're trying to get away from the noise.












Q. Where do you find a no-legged dog?




A. Right where you left him.












Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?




A. Ugly sheep.












Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea
soup?




A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?




A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.












Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?




A. A nervous wreck.












Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?




A. They both cicle uranus looking for Black Holes.


Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg
in a car crash?




A. Yes. He's all right now.












Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?

2007-12-05 02:10:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the
bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or
two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she
doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages"
and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have nondescript screen names and you never
bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you
just say "LOL, LOL

2007-12-05 02:01:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman say's to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her,.. "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

His wife asks " How can I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them" replied her husband

Startled, the woman asks "Will that work and make them bigger?"

"Oh yes, look what it has done to your a*se" came the reply.

2007-12-05 02:00:12 · 20 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6