Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A married women has a lover who "visits" from time to time.
One day her 8 year old son hides in the wardrobe to see what they're doing.
On that day her husband comes earlier from work, so the women hides the lover in that wardrobe.
The Son: "Dark in here."
The Lover:"Yeah."
The Son:"I have a football."
The Lover:"Good for you."
The Son:"Wanna buy it?"
The Lover:"No thanks."
The Son:"My dad is just outside!"
The Lover:"Well...how much?"
The Son:"250 bucks."
He buys it to stay safe. Some weeks later those two are again hidden in the same wardrobe.
The Son:"Dark in here."
The Lover:"Yeah."
The Son:"I have football-shoes."
The Lover (sighs): " How much?"
The Son:"500 bucks."
Some days later the father wants to play football with his son.
The son tell him he sold all his football equipment for 750 bucks.
His father is quite mad: "How can you cheat on your friends like that? I will take you to the church so you can confess these sins!
He takes his son to the confessional and closes the door.
The Son: "Dark in here."
The Priest: "Stop that sh*t!!!"

2007-12-04 20:14:27 · 15 answers · asked by Lingz 2

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

2007-12-04 20:12:34 · 8 answers · asked by Lingz 2

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob,the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give
you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was
that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the
husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.

2007-12-04 20:12:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my p***s on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his p***s and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

2007-12-04 19:49:15 · 6 answers · asked by actra 3

Glenda drops a coin from ear level down a wishing well. The coin falls a distance of 7.00 m before it strikes the water. If the speed of sound is 343 m/s, how long after Glenda releases the coin will she hear a splash?

2007-12-04 19:48:18 · 5 answers · asked by HGA 3

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

2007-12-04 19:41:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happens when mail is sent to wrong id?

A man checked-in to a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

2007-12-04 19:34:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired
to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride
came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees
in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

2007-12-04 19:32:29 · 12 answers · asked by free the weed 3

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

2007-12-04 19:30:54 · 20 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.

"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

2007-12-04 19:28:21 · 19 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

2007-12-04 19:12:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man absolutely hated his wifes cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving 20 streets away from his home leaving it in at the park. As he was getting home the cat was walking up the drive way.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 streets away. he pulled the cat out and headed home. driving back up his high way was his cat
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn left ,right past the until he bridge then right again took many turnings. until he reached what was a safe distance and left the cat there.
Hours later he calls home to his wife jen is the cat home
yes his wife answers y do u ask
the man answered put that ****** on the phone im lost and i need directions

2007-12-04 19:02:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I would like to challenge an inventor out there to do a knee replacement that is light and last for 20 or thirty years or longer. Thanks

2007-12-04 18:59:58 · 1 answers · asked by Kaye B 6

An atheist is walking on a game trail in Alaska; he comes upon a grizzly bear and her cubs. The grizzly bear stands up and bellows a deep roar and charges at the man.

The atheist having no weapons decides to run for the nearest tree. He almost makes it, but trips on a rock and falls on his back.

The atheist sees the sow bear and her cubs are almost upon him and he cries out, “Oh my god save me.”

A bright light explodes upon the scene.

He then sees the grizzly bears paw suddenly stops in mid air, just inches from his head. The cubs as well freeze in place behind their mother.

Time stands still.

Suddenly, a voice booms out, “ You have forsaken me all these years and now you plead for my help?”

The atheist replies, “I see your point, it would be hypocritical for me to ask for your divine intervention.”

The voice then says, “What would you like me to do?”

The atheist relied, “I know, turn the grizzly bears into Christians.”

The voice replies,” As you wish.”

The light fades, the grizzly bears sit down, and then they put their paws together and say.

“Dear lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”

2007-12-04 18:00:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to
bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher,
"My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."




give a star if u like little jhony

2007-12-04 17:12:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. .....

2007-12-04 16:01:32 · 7 answers · asked by Mera 7

Two little boys go into the grocery store.

One is nine, the other four.

The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?"

The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"

2007-12-04 16:00:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't figure it out, I'm sure its pretty obvious and I'll feel like a total idiot once its pointed out to me, but these things are ment to be tricky, can anyone here figure it out?

http://members.lycos.nl/AmazingArt/E/90.html

2007-12-04 15:59:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of them is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter standing nearby sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

He starts writing in his notebook. "Young Blackhawks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Blackhawks fan," the little boy says.

"Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were, says the reporter, and he starts writing again.

"Bulls Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bulls fan, the little boy says.

"Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were, says the reporter.

"Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Mad Dog Attack," he writes this time in his notebook.

"No, I'm not a Bears fan, either, says the boy.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Chicago would cheer for the Blackhawks, Bulls, or Bears, the reporter replies. "Well what team do you root for?"

"I'm a Green Bay Packers fan, the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

2007-12-04 15:58:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu, I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang...................

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


(I knew that you would like this one!)

2007-12-04 15:54:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you & mom. I've found real passion with Stacy, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight clothes, and because she is so much older than me. But it's not the only reason – she’s also pregnant. Stacy said that we’ll be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We hope to have many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana isn't really hurtful. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we're hoping science will find a cure for HIV, so Stacy can get better. She deserves that.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

2007-12-04 15:53:59 · 18 answers · asked by ? 7

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Woman : "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Woman : "No, they spread."

2007-12-04 15:51:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

2007-12-04 15:15:04 · 11 answers · asked by Mera 7

Blond calls the transit company and says "I would like to get schedules for three of your bus routes, please." Operator replies, "Yes, Ma'am, what are the routes?" Blond replies, "Well first I would like the 'Number 47 Main Street', and second I would like the 'Number 125 City Circle Loop." Operator then says "What about the third route Ma'am?" Blond pauses and says "Well I couldn't see a number on the bus I saw." Operator says "Well did it say the name of the route?" Blond perks up and replies "It sure did, right on the front sign it said 'Out Of Service'!"

2007-12-04 14:06:16 · 14 answers · asked by Linda Fallsrock 2

Three men go up to heaven, and St Peter meets them at the gate. He says to them "Before you can pass, you must tell me what you would like to hear said about you at your funeral."

The first man steps up, and he says "I was a doctor, and I would like people to say that I was excellent at my job and saved a lot of lives."

"Very good," says St Peter, "Enter heaven!"

The second man steps up and says "I was a teacher, and I would like to hear people say that I was excellent at my job and made a real difference to children, because they are the future!"

St Peter lets the man pass into heaven.

The third man steps up, looking nervous. "Well", he says. "I guess, if I could hear anything, I'd want them to say...

Look, he's moving!!"

2007-12-04 14:05:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

2007-12-04 13:27:14 · 9 answers · asked by Peace =) 4

I need to make an appointment.

2007-12-04 13:03:13 · 8 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

Hey, The door was opened with the Linoleum joke so anything goes now!
They refuse to delete sexist and offensive, abusive and subjugating expressions that are posted by females such as posted yesterday with the "Linoleum" Joke so
If YA deletes this they would be Hypocrites..........

And we KNOW they aren't THAT ,.....Right?

KURT

2007-12-04 12:56:48 · 8 answers · asked by Bolles Harbor Alive-New 360 pg 3

I've heard people laugh out loud when they hear the word "duties". How is that funny?

2007-12-04 12:40:38 · 26 answers · asked by Colette 2

.... though I must say, it is not exactly "rated G" material....

Three men gets stuck on a deserted island. There are cannibals on the island, which capture them. Their chief walks up to the men and tells them to bring ten fruits, all of which are the same type. So, guy 1 goes, and finds a bunch of bananas. He comes back to the tribal village and the leader tells him to stuff all ten up his *** or he'll be cooked and eaten. Also, he must not change his facial expression. he gets to two and then screams a little. He gets eaten.

Next, guy 2 comes back. He has ten grapes. The leader tells him the same thing. He gets up to nine and then bursts out laughing.

Later, in heaven, guy 1 meets guy 2 and asks why he started to laugh. Guy 2 responds that he'd seen guy 3 return, and that he'd brought pineapples as his fruit.

2007-12-04 12:38:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous